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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"If you go no contact/minimal contact then you are unable to move on with your life and are still ruled by sadness"

25 replies

BellaCullenNeedsWA · 03/12/2014 13:34

Apparently.

I am minimal contact with exDH. A very messy divorce, ongoing problems so I try to have as little contact with him as necessary (outside of access to the DC).

I was caught up in a group text with him and some (of his) other family members by accident. I was at work on my laptop and the messages/photos were popping up on my screen every few minutes.

I replied and said 'think i've been added into this convo by mistake, please delete me from the group'.

It was purely an accident that I was getting the messages, they clearly weren't meant for me and were about a family gathering that had just happened.

What happened then was that I was roundly shouted at/down over messages by random members of his family that i should just let it all go and stop being so touchy.

One of his family members (very woo and amateur therapist type) then sent a longggggggg message explaining how very sad it was that I couldn't let go of my hurt and pain and how damaging it is to my life to still be carrying around pointless anger, that i was only hurting myself and my kids and that they all wished me love and support and to be able to move on with my life.

Which is lovely....except I am already very happy, have moved on with my life and just didn't want to be included in a group conversation that wasn't meant for me and that centred around my ex husband.

AIBU here to think i'm not in the wrong here to ask to be removed from the group? (I couldn't do it myself from work and needed to be on my laptop) or am I actually carrying around ongoing pain and suffering by not just shrugging my shoulders and not saying anything.

OP posts:

LittleRedRidingHoodie · 03/12/2014 13:37

Don't give it any if your thought. Block the email addresses of those involved and don't waste a second more of your happy life on it.

TimelyNameChangey · 03/12/2014 13:38

Don't even respond. She sounds stupid.

listed · 03/12/2014 13:40

Oh god this strikes a chord!

YWNBU to ask to be removed from the group. I think the fact that they presumed you were angry about it says more about them than you.

I have this with ExH. I have no contact because a) he's an arsehole and b) anything I do say gets twisted and thrown back in my face eventually.

I get the odd PA message from him about "letting go of my anger". It's nicer for him to think that he still affects me than the reality, which is that he's generally irrelevant to me.

Odd thing is that when we do meet it is always and invariably him, puce in the face, yelling at me over imagined slights which happened over a year ago.

Projection, much?

IMurderedStampyLongnose · 03/12/2014 14:08

YANBU.I am nc with a member of my family,and im told by others I should let what he did go,and that is damaging for me to be nc.In fact it's bloody wonderful not to have a twunt in my life anymore.Yay!Block this idiot op and sing a happy song while you do it

Bulbasaur · 03/12/2014 14:20

I'd turn it around on them stating it was sad they couldn't let go of you. Ask if they are having a hard time coping this holiday season.

Or be the bigger person, delete it. Block them.

Original poster

BellaCullenNeedsWA · 03/12/2014 14:24

Sadly I can't delete them as they were actually texting my DD (her phone is on my apple account and all her texts come to my phone so I can monitor her phone)

I did mention that they could just send the photos etc to ex and he could show her, but apparently that wasn't good enough and I was keeping her away from contact with his family. Clearly not as I pay for her phone....so she can have independent contact with his family. But she was at school, her phone was at home, so I asked for her to be deleted as I was getting the messages and not her.

OP posts:

Original poster

BellaCullenNeedsWA · 03/12/2014 14:25

Sorry i was using my mac and all texts come to my mac. Usually I would just delete the individual text from my mac, but as it was an ongoing conversation I was getting new texts every few minutes.

OP posts:

youareallbonkers · 03/12/2014 14:26

That's a bit different though isn't it?

JoffreyBaratheon · 03/12/2014 14:28

Family Court ordered my ex could have no direct contact whatsoever - that was probably 10 years ago now. After that he cotinued to harass me until eventually he was convicted of harassment and will go straight to jail do not pass go if he ever so much as accidentally emails me. It's great. It makes me feel safe and it means my kids have grown up without this mentally unstable person in their lives.

Sometimes the law decides on zero contact and it is not a case of not moving on but a case of enabling you to move on. ;o)

OP, your ex's relative sounds like an idiot. She knows nothing.

Summerisle1 · 03/12/2014 14:29

YWNBU in not wanting the contact. However, I'm now a bit confused because actually, they weren't contacting you were they? They were sending their group messages to your dd. Now I can understand why you prefer to monitor her texts (I presume she's quite young) but would they know that?

Original poster

BellaCullenNeedsWA · 03/12/2014 14:29

youareallbonkers, how so? I'm not being sarcastic I am genuinely interested how it's different

OP posts:

Original poster

BellaCullenNeedsWA · 03/12/2014 14:31

Yes they do know that.

And usually I would check once a day and delete messages off my mac (but they are still on her phone so she can reply)

However as this was going to be an ongoing conversation between quite a few people with quite a few replies popping up every few minutes, I let them know that I was getting them and that on this occasion could they just delete her and her DF could show her the pics.

Yes she is young (9)

OP posts:

Summerisle1 · 03/12/2014 14:33

I think that youareallbonkers may think the situation is different for similar reasons to me. These messages weren't intended for you but for your dd.

So asking to be taken off the message group could be construed (if they wished to draw this conclusion) as denying your dd the chance to be kept informed.

NewNamePlease · 03/12/2014 14:33

They didn't try and add you they tried to add your dd? Why would you delete her messages? They are for her to see when she gets home, surely?

Original poster

BellaCullenNeedsWA · 03/12/2014 16:20

I made it clear in the OP that I was getting the messages accidentally.

The messages are deleted off my mac, not off DDs phone. They would still be available to her when she gets home

OP posts:

Summerisle1 · 03/12/2014 18:41

I hate to go at this like a terrier with a bone but you aren't getting the messages accidentally if you route all your DD's messages through you. As indeed you told us: I can't delete them as they were actually texting my DD (her phone is on my apple account and all her texts come to my phone so I can monitor her phone)

Can you not see the difference between you receiving unwelcome messages that were intended for you and getting messages that weren't intended for you but which you happen to have access to?

DoJo · 03/12/2014 19:37

I think the fact that they were intending to message your daughter does put a different spin on it. There is presumably no problem with them involving her in this group chat, and if you have chosen to monitor all her texts and phone communications then presumably you get a lot of messages which aren't for you as that is the purpose of the monitoring?
However, I don't know how the whole thing works - would they be able to text your daughter without it popping up on your computer, or are you asking them to stop including your daughter in messages because you have chosen to link her phone to your computer? Because the former is understandable, but the latter is placing rather a lot of expectations on people who you are already estranged from to consider your specific situation and try and make life marginally easier for you at the expense of including your daughter in a conversation that they actually wanted her (and not you) to be a part of.
If it is that they weren't sending you messages, they were messaging your daughter and you were reading them, then I can understand why they responded as they did.

Original poster

BellaCullenNeedsWA · 03/12/2014 19:44

Nope, they are free to text whenever.

But on this day when it was clearly a group text that was going to be ongoing throughout the day I asked her not to be included as I couldn't stop them popping up on my screen.

Otherwise they are free to text as and when. Which is why she has the phone in the first place.

OP posts:

WooWooOwl · 03/12/2014 19:55

YABU. They were trying to include your dd, you weren't added by mistake, you probably weren't even thought off until you replied.

I think you should have just seen it as a minor irritation and ignored it.

FaithLoveandGrace · 03/12/2014 20:00

YABU! I can understand not wanting to see the messages but at the end of the day you're the one choosing to monitor your daughter's text. If she gets text you don't want to read them I'm sorry but you chose to get them. Completely different situation to them directly trying to contact them.

Is there a way of you muting the notifications?

FaithLoveandGrace · 03/12/2014 20:01

Directly trying to contact you even

MinceSpy · 03/12/2014 20:10

So did you directly get the messages or was it because you monitor your daughter's phone? Just ignore the messages and delete them or stop monitoring and then delete the numbers you no longer need.

Original poster

BellaCullenNeedsWA · 03/12/2014 20:30

Ok. Seems I was BU!

But I'm not going to stop monitoring a 9 year olds phone, seems like a sensible practice.

OP posts:

WandaFuca · 03/12/2014 20:50

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. By the sounds of it, the number of messages is inappropriate for a 9-year-old to be getting; and I don't think including her in group texts is the way to go, even if they are about a family gathering, as there's always the possibility of someone forgetting that a child is going to read what they write.

As for some of the family's responses, that sounds more like projection. Maybe they have ongoing issues, and can't deal with you having walked away from their "dearly beloved" relative.

DoJo · 03/12/2014 21:23

I don't think anyone is against you monitoring her phone, but you can't have it both ways - either she can have open communication with her family and you have to handle however many messages you get, or you stop monitoring it to minimise the inconvenience to you. Personally, I can't really see how getting the messages can have been that much of an imposition - once you realised the conversation was being batted back and forth, surely you could have just ignored them all.

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