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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to spend more for xmas on my eldest

51 replies

gingermopped · 02/12/2014 11:22

I hav 4 dc's , dd almost 16 and 3 ds' s 12, 10 and 6.
my dd's father isnt involved really in her life, she sees him maybe once a year, he doesnt buy cards or presents and never sees her on occasions.
hes an alcoholic and currently in hospital with liver failure and other problems, hes been told he has 6 months to live.
this has hit my daughter so hard, loosing a dad shes never really known and realization that shes never been a priority in his life.
my exdh (the boys father) raised her as his own but after we split 4/5 yrs ago hes dropped her, wants nothing to do with her.
so to get to the point of this AIBU, xmas day this year is just me and dd, the 3 boys are with there dad, they will b with me boxing day and that will b my xmas day with them.
exdh asked me will dd be having her xmas pressies with me xmas dad or waiting till boys r home boxing day, I told him (and honestly thought he would get it) she would get her presents xmas day (always roughly same budget for all 4) but on boxing day she would get sum extra, sumthing special to open as boys open there presents.
iv brought her a locket with a photo of her dad holding her as a baby and im doing her an extra stocking.
the ex has gone balistic, favrortising her over the boys, im a bad parent, he phoned my parents to moan and they agree with him.
apparently they should all b equal and yes to sum extent I agree but the boys will get double presents, she doesnt hav her dad to spoil her and also with all thats going on I feel the need to spoil her.
AIBU

OP posts:
bonkersLFDT20 · 02/12/2014 12:34

He's a complete arse.

Can't even be bothered to type why. And phoning your parents? Really? Is he 11?

HazleNutt · 02/12/2014 12:41

Even if you didn't have all those issues with ex-husbands etc, I would still think it's perfectly reasonable to spend more on a 16-year old than a 6-year old.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 02/12/2014 12:42

Your DD is having a hard time, plus she is the one who will get least overall. You are giving her some small but sentimental to make up a bit for what she's missing. Tell your ex that he's wrong. Tell your parents they are wrong and that if they can't back you up they should shut up.

alseb · 02/12/2014 12:48

The death of a parent from liver failure is an horrific experience. I know. Your daughter is going to need masses of TLC in the next few months. Ignore him and your parents. Make christmas as lovely as you can for your dd. She is your daughter not his, your plans have nothing to do with him.

bonkersLFDT20 · 02/12/2014 12:49

Absolutely Hazel. I have a 15 and 5 year old. The 15 yo has asked for some high end electric guitar thing haven't got a clue what it is actually whereas the 5 yo will get the normal kiddy stuff.

It's about fair treatment at the right time. When DS2 is 15 he'll get the high end presents and DS1 will be 25 and get me a high end present

Summeblaze · 02/12/2014 12:49

Sometimes I can't believe how stupid some people are. You buy all 4 of your dc presents of the same ish amount, I assume that your family and friends also buy all 4 of your dc presents but your DS's get more presents from their dad and his family.

Surely anyone with half a brain cell can see that this isn't fair and buying your dd a locket (which is a lovely idea) still isn't going to make it fair. DS's will still be in front present wise.

I can see why your ex doesn't see this because he sounds like a complete fuckwit but your parents????? Words fail me.

Do what you want and tell them all to knob off.

MissPenelopeLumawoo2 · 02/12/2014 12:57

There you are, not one person agrees with your ex. Hopefully that will give you the confidence that YANBU and tell him to butt out. And your parents. Have a lovely Christmas!

LadyLuck10 · 02/12/2014 13:04

Yanbu op! Your ex is pathetic for making an issue of this especially since he has dropped your dd in this way. Spoil her, and spoil her some more. She must be dealing with so much and she needs that extra bit of attention. Thanks

dreamingofwineandcheese · 02/12/2014 13:17

YANBU.

Your DD is getting less as your exDH has dropped her as well as her own Dad so you are making up for it. It's completely understandable.

kinkyfuckery · 02/12/2014 13:22

What a cock. Tell him it's none of his business.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas. You sound like a lovely, caring mum x

KellyElly · 02/12/2014 15:29

It's absolutely none of his business and your parents are out of line for entertaining his crap when he dropped your DD after he split up with you. Do what you want and sod the rest of them. You sound like a nice caring mother. Don't engage with him on anything to do with her any more as he lost the right to discuss her with you when he fucked off out of her life because you split up.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/12/2014 15:51

Your ex dropped DD after so long being a father figure, now he moans you are a bad parent 'favouring her' by a few little extras on Boxing Day while he has her half brothers on 25th and they open their gifts with you the next day.

Did your parents really agree or just say 'yes' to shut him up and get him off the line?

Don't pay any heed, go ahead and have a really good Christmas.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 02/12/2014 16:34

Well he doesn't get a say in how you spend your money anymore, does he.

Surely your DSs will expect your DD to get gifts both days, just as they are?The fact that you pay for both days for DD and one day for DSs is a non issue.

BeccadeWinter · 02/12/2014 16:38

Your ex husband sounds like a moronic, heartless dickhead.

YANBU.

RedButtonhole · 02/12/2014 16:42

YANBU. Your ex has decided to drop your DD so it has absolutely fuck all to do with him what you decide to do when it's just the two of you, you're not asking him to subsidise it.

If he had an ounce of decency in him he'd be treating your DD as his after raising her so.

Don't let him put you off having a lovely day with your daughter and spoiling her a bit.

blueballoon79 · 02/12/2014 16:50

The same happens in our house.
My sons father passed away four years ago and my ex partner has nothing to do with my son yet showers our daughter with gifts as do his large family.
I always buy my son extra to make up for the fact that my daughter always gets so much more than him.

Lilicat1013 · 02/12/2014 18:49

I don't know what sort of person raises a child like their own and drops them when they split up with their partner.

What a complete and utter bastard. He is a shit human being, he has not right to be commenting on anyone else's parenting.

I also can't understand grand-parents, in laws etc who buy for blood relatives but not their siblings. If my sons grew up and married a woman with children from a previous relationship then they had children of their own I would buy presents for all the children and treat them the same. I can't imagine excluding a child like that.

I think you are completely right to get her some extra things. I hope you have a lovely Christmas.

addictedtobass · 02/12/2014 19:14

Your ex is out of order. Have you spoken to your parents? Could your ex have told them a 'modified' version of the truth? Otherwise why would a grandparent support such stupid and unfair tales?

I would go with telling him what someone up thread said: she has one dying dad whose been useless and abandoned her and one other useless ex-dad who abandoned her- she deserves something to call her own.

blendedfamilygrinch · 02/12/2014 20:13

YA sooooo NBU
Even if there was nothing else going on, it would be fine to spend more on one dc (usually the eldest) for whom presents tend to be smaller in size, fewer in number but cost more £.
In these circumstances where she's not gettong presents from your ex though her siblings are AND her dad is ill of course it isn't unreasonable to lavish a bit of extra attention on her

wheresthelight · 02/12/2014 20:20

your ex is a cunt sorry.

your boys will be getting x amount spent on them by you and a further x amount by their dad, dd only has you so not unfair at all that she gets a bit extra to compensate even without the issues around her own dad dying.

I am so sorry she is having to deal with Al this. I hope she has a lovely Christmas with you!!

bigbluestars · 02/12/2014 20:26

I wouldn't be discussing this with your ex- none of his business.

In fact a bit of a mistake to give him this information given you know how hard hearted he can be.

ReginaBlitz · 02/12/2014 21:12

So he treated her like his own then dropped her when you split which is awful and petty anyway,now he is begrudging you making xmas a little bit more special for a girl that had had not one but two dads regect her?
wow what a pathetic piece of work he is. And your mums not much beter agreeing with him. Tell them both to get fucked

NeedsAsockamnesty · 02/12/2014 21:49

YANBU.

Either you do not get on with your parents AND your ex is a cunt

Or

Your EX is a liar and a cunt

I would do the same as you

jay55 · 02/12/2014 21:50

Hope you and your DD have a lovely day together. Sounds like she'll need it.

Your ex is a knob.

chinam · 02/12/2014 21:57

Your ex is a dick. YANBU.