To get irritated at people who have to make everything about them all the time?

[chickenmadcat]

I have come across a few people like this, but currently am casual friends with a woman who behaves in this way too. I see her on the odd night out or lunch/coffee meet up, and also at the school most days.

She literally has to make everything about her! If anyone else says anything, she turns the conversation round into being about her. Someone might say they went somewhere, or have done something, and she will immediately launch into a story about when she went to that place, or did that thing. I recently told her that my grandfather had died the day before and instead of saying she was sorry for my loss or even really acknowledging my loss, she said "See that's what worries me about getting old, getting something like that!". He had dementia.....

Each time we all get together she somehow manages to make it all about her; changing the time at very short notice to suit her as she's popped to see another friend beforehand, or asking us all to send her a text once we're there. Or she'll be really late, and then interrupt the conversation and start telling us a story about why she is late. She can never just have a date, time and meeting place and just turn up. There's always a drama or another, or an adjustment to suit her.

That said, she is a nice enough person, and doesn't do it maliciously. I just find it a bit irritating. I've put it down to her being a bit spoilt as a child and continuing to think that she is the centre of the universe.

YADNBU. There are people like that. No matter what the topic of conversation they twist it around to their experiences.

If you've just had an operation they will spend two minutes asking you how you are, then fifteen minutes telling you about a minor procedure they had ten years ago that sounds very like the major operation you're recovering from blah blah.

If your house has burned down, that's terrible, they remember the time their shed burned down and how upset they were and it was awful....

They are very annoying and need to just stop talking about themselves sometimes and actually let other people occasionally be the centre of attention.

I knew someone (A) who when our mutual friend (R) told her that she'd found a breast lump, A burst into tears and said 'why do these things always happen to me?!' lol!

We don't see A anymore but we did eventually have a good laugh over that one.

It is annoying, yes. That said, I think I do it myself sometimes and have asked friends to correct me when I do it (there are SN-related reasons for this, but it is something I am working on!)

If you want to keep this person as a friend, how about stopping and trying the 'When you did x (insert specific thing) I felt y. I would prefer if you did z'. S/he may not realise what s/he is doing and the effect it is having on you.

If you leave it you risk really exploding at them with the equivalent of 'You always ABC!' It would be an unusual person who didn't deny that or try to defend themselves in that situation.

@Fairylights' - Yes, but in life, it is those who learn to use social dynamics to their benefit, and those who refuse to bow to social conditioning, that have the greatest success. The middle ground where the herd run, is where most people muddle through trying not to get too bruised, not wanting to be lead, and at the same time fearing the judgement of the collective may lead to being ostrisized. Yes, safety for most in the group, neither outspoken, nor shining, and it is a natural reaction to hedge towards antagonism, jealousy, judgement or aggression when those who choose to, or are naturally inclined to, take the lead, dominate. That is where safety is, in the herd. But some people do not need that safety, do not need that reassurance or acceptance, and getting annoyed with them does nothing other than reassure those in the herd that they are still aligned with the herd's thinking.

but elephantspoo we're talking about fairly casual social interaction, not world domination. Why does someone need to be dominant or getting ahead in a group of friends having a catch up? Its annoying because it makes you feel as though the "friend" does not care about you or your problems. Its not necessarily jealousy or antagonism that provokes this annoyance, just frustration at feeling like you are pissing in the wind when you speak.

Fairylights - They don't, but we are all social animals, and social dynamics for 99% of us is an instinctive thing that happens at the subconscious level. You can tell looking at a group who are the dominant ones and who are not. They do not choose to dominate the group. It is instinctively the way they behave in that social dynamic. Put them into another social dynamic, a group interview, or an encounter with law enforcement, and their reaction to those situations will likely be different.

Some people have learnt that being dominant has little negative consequence for them. That they do not face ostrisizing from the herd for attempting to lead, and that indeed they tend to garner support, even if tassit, from the submissive members of the group, for having the force of will to lead. It is the nature of life. It isn't a conscious thought for most people. It is instinct.

I think it's weird to have not said sorry about your Grandad. That's a lack of social skills-wouldn't most people automatically go "I'm sorry" and ask something like "what was he like?".

There is a wonderful anecdote that the finer details of have escaped me, but it is something like the art of a good conversation is to make te other person feel like they are the most interesting person in the world, and that you should be able to come away from a conversation having learned three new things about the other person. It is hard to do. People like to be liked, and the only experience we can draw from is our own, so it's usual that when there is common interest, some people cling to it like a conversational life raft. It's annoying, so YANBU to be irritated. Just pull her up on it lightheartedly. She is probably well aware of what she's like, but it's a hard habit to break

YANBU at all. I'm so sorry about your Grandad .

People like your friend think they are so good at empathising that they skip over the sympathy part to share their experiences. It's the sympathy part that makes someone a good friend.

I've lost a friend over this. In a really low point in my life, she couldn't just let me vent/talk. She had to jump straight in about her problems. She couldn't understand why I just stopped telling her anything.