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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about birthday - need some perspective.

42 replies

MyRealNamesBernard · 01/12/2014 19:10

It's my niece's first birthday party in a few weeks time - just before Christmas - and we have decided not to go, and I appear to have royally pissed off my family as a result.

We have six nieces and nephews between us, and three young DCs, and we have never, ever missed a bash. But I have had to decline this one because the DCs are frazzled after their first terms at school (two are in infants), I am frazzled after starting new job and I just want them all to chill before the all the Christmas Craziness. My brother and his family live two hours drive away, so it'll be a four-hour round trip and we cannot stay as they have no room.

We visited them two weeks ago, and will be seeing them again at Christmas. We have a lot of family commitments as both my DH and I have seven siblings between us and, tbh, we just need a weekend to ourselves!

Still, I feel like a total cow. My mum is making me feel very guilty and my brother is not talking to me.....

AIBU.....?

OP posts:
WyrdByrd · 01/12/2014 22:29

Well, when you put it like I can see your side more & more

I have enough trouble keeping up with demanding parents, ILs & DH without involving siblings etc so I do get how frustrating it is to feel you always have to toe the line.

I can understand why your bro is miffed but the not talking thing is very childish so glad he's mellowing a bit.

Millie3030 · 01/12/2014 23:10

YANBU, I think that's fair enough, are you sending the present so she can open it on the day of her birthday? Could you Skype and wish her a lovely birthday with lots of kisses and cuddles over the screen? My DHs niece and nephew (so technically mine too) live 3.5 hours away and we do not go their birthdays, it's a knackering journey, we meet Easter, summer, Xmas and another one usually autumn, but we stay overnight so it's not as bad. I only have one DS and I find it exhausting entertaining a toddler in a long car journey, so can empathise with you having 3!!

But we Skype on events to send our love, and to be honest the kids love chatting over the screen. Your brother may be annoyed but he will get over it if you are close, just explain your reasons that you have said on here. Seems fair enough to me.

Original poster
MyRealNamesBernard · 01/12/2014 23:18

Millie, Skype is a great idea, thank you. I have already sent a present and card ready to be opened on the big day and was trying to think of some other special way to make a special birthday wish... And that's perfect.

OP posts:
Millie3030 · 01/12/2014 23:55

If you have already sent it, that's really thoughtful. And I just read your post again and saw she is 1, she won't have the faintest idea what a party is anyway! So even less reason to feel guilty! If she was 7 and really really wanted you there you may feel different, but at 1, she will be just as amused with a rice cake! Smile
But it is quite cute that your brother wants you there so much that he has got a little 'huffy' with you. Nice that you are close, but you will see him in a few weeks.

123rd · 02/12/2014 00:09

Should have feigned illness on the daySmile

cansu · 02/12/2014 06:24

They are being ridiculous. I can totally understand you don't feel like driving there and back for a child's party. I wouldn't either. Your brother sounds like a real baby tbh. This is a good opportunity to stand up for yourself.

OwlinaTree · 02/12/2014 08:41

They are not being ridiculous or unreasonable. The normal in the op's family is for family to celebrate children's birthdays together. The bil attended the op's children's parties.

The op is not unreasonable to not want to go, but TANBU either.

SixToesLeft · 02/12/2014 08:59

oh Good God, stop feeling guilty!

You've seen the baby, you are seeing the baby, you are travelling her there and everywhere for everyone else... what more do people want. A pound of flesh?

Sit your brother down, tell him to imagine what it's like having three kids, give him your list of commitments, and then ask him to come up with some time for you as a family of five. Then tell him to bugger off to his pfb.

If you wear yourself this thin, you are likely to start damaging your nuclear family.

Mammanat222 · 02/12/2014 09:07

I am sure most normal families would of course be upset that you won't be there but they would understand?

I am having to miss a few parties - albeit not family parties [just close friends LO's] as I am working and just too whacked with being pregnant / having a stroppy toddler.

SurfsUp1 · 02/12/2014 09:13

Having all the family around for Birthdays is normal for our family too, but it's also normal that not everyone can make every celebration.

RoastitBubblyJocks · 02/12/2014 12:37

Hmm, I think it would be really poor form if you didn't go. It's her first birthday, they all came to your DCs' firsts, and I think for you to decide that you want a weekend to rest rather than go is quite horrible.

You should suck it up and go. Your excuses are quite lame. Saying that because they didn't have kids so it was easier for them to come to you is irrelevant, they were probably bored senseless but they went anyway because it was important to you. You should do it for them.

KateAdiesEarrings · 02/12/2014 14:09

Both myself and DH have massive families so I sympathise but I also think YABU. It's a family tradition for you all to attend birthday parties and it really isn't your niece's fault that you have a busy schedule over Christmas. I'm sure your family would have preferred if you had missed the visit two weeks ago rather than miss your niece's birthday party.

Calloh · 02/12/2014 17:54

YANBU - at all.

I totally understand the need to have a weekend to yourselves.

I do not understand why everyone is expected to be at a first birthday

diddl · 02/12/2014 18:05

"than their one-year-old cousin, who we will be seeing over Christmas anyway."

Yes, but not her birthday!

Probably not too important this year, & perhaps your brother is trying too hard for her first birthday.

But he obviously wants to make sure it's seen as a separate thing & good for him!

in future the "oh we'll see her over Christmas" might not work.

Boltonlass · 02/12/2014 18:18

YANBU - but first birthday's are massively important to parents. Much more than any other I think.
They probably see this as huge milestone and a really important family celebration.
You see this as just another birthday.
Hence the clash.

Pimmsoclocknow · 02/12/2014 19:26

I feel sorry for the baby who is going to be overwhelmed

SurfsUp1 · 02/12/2014 22:56

My babies loved parties - not all babies would be overwhelmed. Especially if they are used to being social.

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