To speak to MIL about this (Christmas-related family crap)?

[NewToAllThis11]

PIL live 6 hours away from us. My parents live 1.5 hours away. PIL have always been annoyed /jealous about DH and I seeing my parents more than them and this has got much worse since DS (18 months) came along. We go up to visit PIL for a few days probably every three months and they come and stay with us a few times a year too. We probably see my parents once a month or every 6 weeks.

There's always a horrible atmosphere when we visit and MIL in particular often makes catty comments about us seeing my parents, often storms off in tears and is always sullen/ openly hostile on the day we leave.

DH doesn't have a great relationship with them. They aren't really interested in his life and constantly complain to him about what they perceive as unacceptable behaviour on our part, or each other. They almost ruined our wedding by complaining that they weren't allowed to invite their own guests and make decisions on venue etc. and they were pretty dreadful when DS was born in traumatic circumstances - insisting DH took them out for dinners and lunches when DS was in NICU and I was in hospital, storming off without saying goodbye because my brother was coming to visit DS in hospital after them, and being really nasty to DH because my DF had offered to come and paint our new house for us so we wouldn't have to leave DS.

Anyway, last year we spent Christmas with my parents and then met up with PIL a few days later (the journey to their house was too far for DS at that point). This year we assumed we would go to their house for Christmas, so it's fair, but they didn't invite us. DH told them we would like to come to them and they seemed pleased. We are staying four nights and leaving on Boxing Day morning, so we can drive down to my parents' house. My DM is a HCP and is working everyday over Christmas apart from Boxing Day, plus my DB and Dsis will also be there on that day, so it's the only day everyone can be together.
MIL is apparently very unhappy about this and said she always gets 'a bum deal' and that she is clearly 'out of favour'. She hasn't said any of this to me directly; everything is to DH and he has a pretty much zero tolerance approach to any snide comments about me.

Anyway, sorry this is so long but disn't want to drip feed. AIBU to phone MIL to explain situation (again ) to her and basically politely tell her to back off and stop being so catty? I have only once spoken to PIL directly about their behaviour (wedding related) and it did not go well. Tears and storming off (her), aggression and storming off (him). WWYD?

for some people the "special days" are the ones that count.. THE birthday itself, or seasonally - Easter Sunday, Christmas Eve, Christmas day and Boxing day

Yes ridiculous people.

I swear I could have written this thread! Our situation sounds frighteningly similar, although I haven't spoken to MIL since she ruined our wedding and then screamed at me on the phone two weeks later to say I wasn't welcome in her family!!!

Let DH sort it out. Mind you, my DH has refused to do so and so this year we are again in the embarrassing situation of having received a load of presents for our two kids (one of whom PILS have never even met and the other they've not seen since she was a baby) delivered to my parents (who don't want to be involved, and I don't blame them) rather than delivered directly to us. I do keep sending thank you cards, but can't help but think if they really wanted to sort things out they would pick up the phone, apologise and have a grown up conversation about things.

Frankly, I don't give a shit! (sounds harsh, but true) Why do you want your DS to have a relationship with people who are so hard to comprehend? I figure that if I find my PILS confusing/rude/unacceptable etc it would be beyond mean to expect my two small children to form a bond with them in the long term.

They sound awful. But I wouldn't 'phone either, & certainly not to explain the situation / ask for their understanding. What's the point? They clearly enjoy feeling badly done to & will manage to find something to complain about in any given situation.

It's good that your DH has a zero tolerance approach to nasty comments about you. Does he tackle them about other things - eg. take his mum to task over her foul temper? I don't mean long rows, but a timely: "Don't be so ridiculous, mum" when she's bemoaning her lot might at least get across the message that he has no patience with this constant moaning.

I'd be wanting to distance myself, not get more involved, in your situation. I think when you have children you have an excellent reason to rethink Christmas plans / traditions anyway, & not go away unless you actively want to. Could you agree with DH that next year you stay at home?

I want DS to have a relationship with them

Why, WHY, WHY do people with horrid parents or parents in law keep saying this?????

There is no reason why horrible people should have a relationship with your children, just because they happen to be grandparents!

All the anguish that they are putting you through, they will then put your DC through when they are older. Do you REALLY want your DC to feel attached to people like that?! Why would you???!!!

Seriously, no relationship with grandparents is FAR better than a relationship with horrid grandparents. Really, it is.

Re this Christmas, if I were you, I would go, after the first one or two catty remarks calmly say 'Please don't say that.' If they strop or go off in a huff, tell them if they keep acting like that you will leave. Chances are they WILL kick off, so take that as your cue to leave.

The uproar will be enormous, no doubt about it. But if you KEEP doing that whenever they kick off they will either learn that you will NOT tolerate that behaviour, and they will wind their necks in, or they will throw such a monumental strop that your relationship with them will be very distant, or non existent which will solve a lot of these problems anyway.

I am at a loss to understand why you visit them when every single time they make you feel unwelcome, have no interest in your lives and criticise at every opportunity.

It's DH's call to make to say if they aren't happy with seeing you for the four days, it's that or nothing. Also at the first hint of nastiness he should wen them that you will all leave. Seriously, if they are nasty they shouldn't have the pleasure of your company. I wouldn't want my DC growing up under such a malign influence.

My PIL aren't nearly as bad as this, but we do always get the comments about not visiting for long enough - it is an attempt to make you both feel reaaaaally guilty. As in your case, OP, they singularly fail to recognise that there are two halves to the family and that both need to be visited!

Stick to your guns, ignore their bad behaviour, and limit their influence on your lives. Oh, and I'd cut the visit even shorter by a day if I were you, and get DH to explain that it's because the comments are pressure are stressful and unpleasant to deal with, and that if they want to see you, they might try making your time with them a bit nicer!

Ignore them and their behaviour and do what you were going to do. Mabey DH needs to be frank with them, if they carry on this behaviour you won't be seeing much of us at all kind of thing.

my mum has low self esteem which gives her the same angst as your ILs.

I know my mum would feel that yes, she does recognise there are 2 halves to the family - but since you did not drop everything for them on Boxing day last year - you saw them a few days later instead, why are you doing that this year - they honestly will see it as being hard done by for that reason alone.

Thanks for all comments. Their behaviour is not normal at all; I certainly don't know anyone else who acts in this way. Nolonger and a previous poster who said something similar, are right that in that PIL will see it as unfair that we are leaving on Boxing Day when we didn't do that in reverse last year. They really are that petty.

To the posters asking why I want my DS to have a relationship with them if they are so awful, I guess I feel that although DS is my son, I don't own him and they are his GPs. They love him and they're nice to him (he's a baby!). To be honest, I'm sure DS will see them for what they are once he's older, and even if they're lovely to him, if they're horrible to his parents I doubt he's going to want to spend too much time with them. But that will be up to him.

Sorry - nolonger

Don't phone her - sometimes people like that are just attention seekers and love to create a crisis or something to feel aggrieved about - to continue conversations is to give them an oppurtunity to moan - truth is you have been more than fair - just let her deal with the decision -

MIL is apparently very unhappy about this and said she always gets 'a bum deal' and that she is clearly 'out of favour'. She hasn't said any of this to me directly; everything is to DH and he has a pretty much zero tolerance approach to any snide comments about me.

'Oh well, if it doesn't suit you then no worries. We'll pop your presents in the post.'

I'd stay well out of it and feign complete ignorance. When you leave thank her for a lovely stay and leave it at that. Ideally, drop into conversation that you are off to visit some friends of DH's first thing on 27th. I'll bet that will be fine so long as it's not your parents.

Some people love to be martyrs. Don't feed it.