To not know how to cope

[WorkEatSleepRepeat]

Regular but have name changed.

I don't think I can cope with real life. I know there are people out there with far worse problems than mine, it's just that I'm really struggling at the moment and I don't really have any rl friends I can speak to.

DH and I are both currently working - him in the town where we live and I do a 60 mile daily commute (round trip) for my job. Neither of us are particularly enjoying our jobs at the moment and are both applying elsewhere, but so far no luck. DH is suffering from depression again and has managed to see a dr but won't take the anti depressants he has been prescribed, mainly because he doesn't like the side effects. He was signed off from work for a fortnight and is due to go back tomorrow. I have been off for most of the week with a bug but will also be back in tomorrow and I'm dreading going back. The commute takes a lot out of me and every day I wish I didn't have to go. It regularly takes around 3 hours a day in travel time alone and I work a 40 hour week.

We have 3DC and I take the eldest to school club before I go to work. For the past few weeks I have been helping to take our other two DC and drop DH near work too. At the end of the day I leave work, rush to get back so that I can pick everyone up and then we all go home. By the time we get home it's usually 6.30 - 6.45 and we then have to cook tea and get DCs fed and then bathed/to bed. By the time they're all asleep it's 8.30/9 and then DH & I will watch a bit of TV or go on our computers. Our youngest DC does not sleep well and we try and take it in turns to get up in the night but we're always just both so exhausted. By the time it gets to the weekend neither or us have the energy to go and do something fun.

I know that the above scenario is probably what a lot of families do, but it just feels like we're failing at being good parents right now. Life just feels like one continuous stream of grind day in and day out and sometimes it feels like I'm playing at being a grown up. I am tired and stressed, DH and I argue a lot and I can be quite snappy with him and the DC. I feel like I'm missing out on the DC growing up and that one day they'll just be grown up and we will have missed out on making their childhood fun. I would love to not have to work right now and to just spend some time at home, but it isn't something we can realistically afford. DH reduced his hours to 32 per week, as he was having to work Saturdays and that was making life even more miserable. We both thought when he sorted his working pattern that we would feel more able to have some proper family time together, but so far this hasn't happened. I find myself getting overly emotional and I keep thinking that there has to be more to life than this.

Both of us are overweight and we know that this is part of the reason we are so tired. We have tried to address this in the past, but at some point we usually fall off the bandwagon and can't seem to get back on. We are really disorganised with meal planning and just a lot of things in general at the moment. We both know the DC deserve more, but it's mustering the energy that is the problem. I am the sole driver and I feel resentful sometimes that it is always me that has to drive or go to the supermarket. I'm feeling a lot more pressure too due to the return of DH's depression. If I could I would just hide away from it all but I can't.

If you've got to the end of this well done. I'm sorry that it's long and disjointed. I needed to get the things that go round in my head night after night out somewhere. I guess my AIBU question is AIBU to feel like this? To not know how to sort my life out? How do you all cope?

How is housework split? At the moment you're doing 55 hours work/commute, and your dh is doing 32. So, you're not far off double.
He needs to find a medication that works, so that he can help more, before you break.

The ADs can have side effects for up to two weeks when first starting them plus sometimes they carry on. Mine make me hot and bothered easily. You can try different ones if the side effects are too much. They also take up to four weeks to get the full effect of them.

Surely it would be better if one of you worked full time and the other did maybe an evening/weekend job? I can't work out if all of your kids are school aged, but if so, childcare isn't that expensive as it's just the wraparound.

Maybe time to cut back on essentials and maybe earn less but have a better quality of life? You barely get to see your three kids by the sound of it :(

I've just decided I'm not going back to work. It means cutting back and having absolutely no spare money at all for 'luxuries' (that includes most things!) but it will mean I get to see my two babies grow up. I'm shattered enough as it is without putting work back into the equation and for me, nursery for two would eat up my entire wage anyway.

Do you claim your child tax credits? What about working tax credits?

I have taken lots of different ads in my time (at very low doses they're good for ms pain) and though I seem to be pretty vulnerable to side effects, I can promise you that after a couple of weeks your body acclimatises to them, and you adjust. It is pretty unusual for side effects to go on much longer than that. I also take tons of other medications and the side effects do wear off. Your dh needs to be a bit less self-indulgent, I'm afraid. He's jot pulling his weight.

That's why I asked about side effects, because some are longer lasting, such as loss of sex drive or sleep disturbance, and I wondered if OP's DH had had a bad experience with a certain AD. If he doesn't want a couple of weeks of feeling sick while his system adjusts, then frankly he's being selfish.

Thank you for all your replies

Sorry I'm only just coming back to this thread. The total of yesterday's commute was just under 3 hours and 40 minutes. DH went to see the doctor, who booked him in for a blood test this morning to check for a whole lot of things. She signed him off work for another week with a review just before he is due to return and he is now taking ADs again. With regards to him pulling his weight around the house he is usually really good with cleaning and tidying to be fair to him. I definitely agree that on Fridays he should do be having a food shop delivered, as it would take some of the pressure off knowing that we're stocked up. He used to be on Citalopram last time which gave him bad nightmares, but this time he is taking Seritaline (I think), which he thought was causing the violent vomiting he has been having and bad tummy but the doctor seemed to think it wasn't those.

Today has not been a good day for me. I went to work, took me roughly an hour and forty minutes to get there, and at some point in the morning I needed to ask DH a question. We got in to a silly text argument and I told Jo exactly how I was feeling and his first reply was 'what do you want me to do about it'. Now it didn't come across the best over text so I replied basically saying I needed support etc. I started getting upset and managed to get to the bathroom before I started crying. Thought I'd composed myself but when I got back to my office the colleague I share with started asking me what was wrong and the flood gates just opened. I sobbed for a good 20 minutes and I couldn't make myself stop. She kind of knows about what's going on anyway as I did have a mini cry a few weeks ago when DH admitted to feeling depressed again. She was really good with me and got my line manager to come in and enabled me to be able to share a little bit of my situation. My line manager sent me home and told me to get myself to the doctors, which I will be doing first thing in the morning.

I feel a bit embarrassed about having a bit of a breakdown at work. I need to get my head straight and talk to DH properly about everything.

We have 1 school aged DC and 2 nursery aged DC and no I don't feel like we see them a lot. I'm not too keen on the idea of a nanny to be honest, younger DC really enjoy nursery. I'm going to continue job searching and applying, as I believe it is the commute that is adding the most stress.

Thank you again for your replies, it is comforting to know that I'm not imagining that everything just feels incredibly tough at the moment.

That should be DH not Jo, autocorrect mistake!

I have been in a similar position op. Very similar schedule, commute and young family in nursery and school. I don't think it's that 'normal' a family life - I think it's normal to be knackered by it though! I agree with you - It's tough. I felt as though I wasn't doing anything well and quality of life felt pretty rubbish at times, especially as I lost enthusiasm for cooking etc (which i usually like to do) which then became a vicious circle of not wanting to cook/then takeaways then feeling rubbish etc and then being hard on myself for 'failing'. What helped me was building my own 'toolkit', practical (being mega organised) and thought management (challenging negative thoughts).Many times i reminded myself just what we were working for (security, our family, career development). We did get through it. Muddled, crawled any which way! After a couple of years of this an opportunity of a more senior position, better paid and closer to home arose and this progression is as a direct result of the effort/experience in my previous role. It's still tough now as my family is still young but we definitely have more space now. It sounds as though you and your Dh are working your socks off in tricky circumstances - I wish you well.