To not give permission

[sandra159]

AIBU to not give exH permission to take DS1 on holiday over Xmas, 20-28th December?
Ds1 lives with him and we have another two who live with me, he won't take the other two though, not that I'd want them to go anyway. I just want them all together and I don't think it's fair he treats them so different.
I have a court order saying he can't take him also btw.

Yes, he booked in oct, he asked could he take eldest, I asked big he was taking the other two (it's his weekend the weekend they go) he said no, something about being no room, what I think he meant was he can't afford the family room if 5 of them go. So when we were in court I brought it up, he went away in September with his DP, ds1 was living with him ad he didn't book for him then, he asked me to have him but it was the start of term and I couldn't physically get him to school as the other two start at the same time (we live in different boroughs) in the end he caused a massive row with ds1 and kicked him out! I got an email saying he'd had enough and he had to come live with me, that's why I brought it to court. Course then he comes back off holiday and ds1 goes runnin back to dad.
It's all just a sorry mess

Hmm, and presumably why he's an ex! Be glad of that, at least.

I would let him go.

tbh op, by on the one hand allowing your ds to decide where he lives but going to court on the other to prevent your ex (with whom he lives) from taking him on holiday you are giving him very mixed messages. I appreciate that you want the other two to be included in a holiday and that you would be allowing this request if the other two were going as well, but that is not the way your twelve year old is going to see it, especially as you have already allowed him to decide to have a different living arrangement to his siblings.

At twelve he is able to have some say in what he does etc, but twelve is still a child. If you are going to allow him to make such fundamental decisions as where he wants to live, then I am finding it hard to see how you can then start to dictate whether he goes on holiday with the parent he has chosen to live with.

Agree with Wannabe entirely.

You need to get over 'I want them all to be treated the same'. They are not the same now that they're living separately. Presumably you do things with your youngest dc that the oldest misses out on because he's living elsewhere?

They can't all be treated exactly the same anymore, and you can't have them treated differently throughout the year but then expect everything to be the same because it's Christmas,

I treat them all the same, if we do something he's always invited along, if I buy 2 something I buy him the same.

but he doesn't live with you op. Put it this way, what would you think if your xh went to court to prevent you from taking your other two children who do live with you out of the country? would you think that fair?

By allowing your ds to decide where he lives you have already given him control over the most fundamental part of his life - where he lies. You can't reasonably then decide that he can't go on holiday with the parent you have agreed he can live with, you just can't.

So he goes on holiday 3 times in a year, takes 12yo twice, and doesn't bother to even contemplate taking his other two or their feelings when they realise that the older sibling is being treated with favouritism?

Why the hell does he not book one holiday and take ALL kids together?????

Do the courts know about the favouritism? Do the courts also know that the 12yo is cherry picking where he lives based on the offer of holidays and that the father also kicks out a child because a holiday in September with his partner is far more important? And YOU allowed your 12yo to return to this pitiful of a dad because of the offer of a holiday?

Who is in charge here, you are the 12yo?????

1. If you allowe our 12yo to choose where to live, he needs to make a choice and stick to it. Not move between the two because he doesn't like what the other does, offer etc at the time. Especially as he is at secondary school and as you said, live in a different borough. Not conducive to a stable environment.
2. A written agreement should be in place that states that no child would go on holiday with either parent if the other child/ren are excluded - for whatever purpose. Especially financial. Most good parents wouldn't bother if not all theirs kids could be treated equally.
3. Access arrangements are the pits. These kids don't seem to spend time together - two go to dad whilst one goes to mum. They need to be together so why can each parent not have all three togetheR. No reason, really. If you have three kids, you have three kids TOGETHER.

And yes, YANBU for not giving permission to ex. But why do you need reassurance when the courts have decided in your favour?

Your 12yo will kick off, inevitable, but considering you allow himself to move between parents because of the fancy of a holiday, shows you have little control over your child and his behaviour is probably the result of the sorry custody and access arrangement you have in place.

Part of me feels for you, really, but you need to toughen up a bit, not just with your ExH but your 12yo also.

Riding, I couldn't have put it better myself. I've tried to put a stop to it all I really have. I am well aware that he is manipulating us both, I have put a stop to it on my part, I just wish exH would see the same. He needs to treat him like the 12 yr old son he is, not his mate.
We are back in court shortly so hopefully it will be sorted.

Sorry riding, they do sped time together, we don't swap kids at weekends, week 1 eldest comes to me ad week2 the two go to him. I asked for midweek contact but ex refuses to have the two midweek.

Nice dad - not! Hope you get it sorted. Really feel for your youngest two. Do they feel as though they are treated differently by their father when they visit?
Kids don't forget and if he continues to show favouritism towards one and not the others, they will make him pay later in life!

I am curious as to the actual wording of the court order.

Is it the standard no holidays aboard with out the other PR parents permission or no holiday without the other children?

Just out of curiosity OP, but if your 12yo decides that he doesn't want to spend Xmas with you and his other 2 siblings, is he allowed to choose to do so? Apologies if I sound uneducated on this matter but I've never had to go through this, so never had the inclination to research the in's and out's of it.

It's a prohibited steps order, last Xmas he made out he was going away to hurt me with out eldest, never did, went at Easter without even lettin me know or inviting the other two, when he kicked DS out to go away in September I wen and got a prohibited steps to stop him taking him back, whilst I was there I asked for an order for him not to be taken abroad. The order for him to return to dad was lifted at the last hearin but the holiday thing still stands because I said it singled him out and left the other two feeling rejected, with Xmas approaching I knew he was going to try something.

Last Christmas with our eldest, not with out, stupid phone!!

does he not like the other two as much?

Don't think it's that he doesn't like them, I think it's more a case of not paying for them!
His solicitor emailed me today TELLING me he was taking him and that if I wanted the other two to go I should pay for flights and passports!
He has the passports, I've asked him to return them but he says they are lost.
I reminded the solicitor about the court order and that id be informing the passport office and the airport.
He initiated the holiday, I'm lucky to afford Xmas never min flights abroad.