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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I shouldn't be discussing my 14 yr old daughters fertility and veganism at parents evening?

76 replies

Meechimoo · 30/11/2014 09:34

Parents evening went well.
dd doing very well etc etc.
We saw about 6 subject teachers. Couldn't get an appointment for one, but she found a spot when we were there and she saw us.
My 14 year old decided to go go vegan about 6 weeks ago. She was vegetarian prior to this. I was very sceptical, worried. I started a thread on here and it was a revelation, full of useful information about veganism and how she wouldn't wither away as a result of malnutrition. And I figured that at 14, almost 15, I couldn't force her to eat dairy. If anything, she now eats a far far better diet than she did before. She cooks regularly now too and has huge bowls of vegetables, beans, pulses, vegan pasta etc and eats a wise variety of food. Far bigger variety than when she was carnivorous! I've bought her supplements too, so I'm not worrying about her lacking anything.

Anyway, after about 3 seconds discussion about her subject, the teacher said that she'd been discussing my daughters veganism and had told her she didn't approve. Another teacher sat next to her sidled over and joined in. She said she didn't approve of the vegan diet either. For information, My daughter is an average size 8, curvy but slim and her skin has cleared up almost overnight since she went vegan. So she doesn't look unhealthy at all. The opposite, in fact.
Then, the teacher who joined in the conversation, said she'd had a discussion with my daughter about veganism on a recent school trip and that she was concerned as she also had a teenage daughter and vegan diets are very unhealthy for teenage girls and she could be affecting her fertility etc.
I felt a bit patronised.
I've done hours of research and figured she could be doing a lot worse than be vegan.
Her old diet was much worse. Pizzas and chocolate and crap. She eats more than 5 a day now!

Dd seems to think she just 'meant well' as does dh (who was always a bit anti veganism anyway!) but I feel as though it was unnecessary and inappropriate. Discussing her fertility at parents evening? With worried head tilt like they'd stumbled on her shooting up with heroin in the school toilets?

OP posts:
traviata · 30/11/2014 11:11

You could send them both a detailed email full of the research you uncovered, taking the line that it appeared there was information they were unaware of and you thought they might find it interesting to read.

You could include the list of professional sports champions who are vegan, of whom Carl Lewis might be the most famous; here

crumblebumblebee · 30/11/2014 11:13

YANBU but I was going to say what HumblePieMonster said. I wonder if they're worried that it's a sign of anorexia nervosa. Many people with AN become vegetarian or vegan as a way of restricting. Obviously, the vast majority of veggies and vegans do not have an eating disorder and it sounds like they are being over zealous.

EustaciaBenson · 30/11/2014 11:15

Theres an eating disorder to do with control of food, people cut things out of their diet in order to control, I know a lady who did this and going vegan was a way of controlling her diet and obsessing over it. Now this doesnt sound like what you've said about your daughter admittedly, but if shes spoken to teachers about it and spoken more about what she wont eat rather than what she is eating could it be that they have some concerns about this? I think they conveyed their concerns really badly though

traviata · 30/11/2014 11:15

sorry, I missed out Venus Williams and Lizzie Armitstead, both vegan, both obviously pallid weedy shivering types...Wink

HadleyHemingway · 30/11/2014 11:20

They were out of order.

I doubt they'd ever raise the same issues with parents of a male pupil.

And if your DD was vegan on religious grounds then they wouldn't have dared go near the subject.

It's just ignorance and meddling masked as concern. I would complain.

FryOneFatManic · 30/11/2014 11:22

Perhaps a letter to the school to put your concerns might help educate these teachers.

It's not their place to approve a pupil's diet, and certainly not to bring it up at a parents evening, when it might not be a confidential setting. which is doesn't sound like if a second teacher heard and came over to join in.

APlaceInTheWinter · 30/11/2014 11:25

Perhaps they wanted to check that you were aware that she was vegan? As PP have said there are some teenagers with AN who use veganism as an excuse/reason to restrict their food intake. And if your DD is a size 8 before becoming vegan then they might have concerns that she has an eating disorder.

Their input was badly-managed but tbh I think it's quite impressive that they are aware of your DD's diet, and that they felt able to share any concerns with you. Obviously you don't have to agree with their concerns and you're able to rebut them. I can understand why you were taken unawares, but with a bit of distance, I would hope you can see it was probably well-meant.

amidaiwish · 30/11/2014 11:25

because it's a massive watch-out/alarm bell for the beginning of an eating disorder in over achieving girls.
that's why they brought it up.
they should have just said that though!

Delphine31 · 30/11/2014 11:26

I agree that parents' evening should be reserved for discussing academic/school-specific topics.

However, I think there are positives to be had here. Your daughter's teachers care about her welfare. They are looking out for their students and, although they did it in a slightly irritating way, they took the opportunity to let you know their concerns.

I definitely wouldn't be making any sort of complaint, but I might perhaps send in some well-written documentation about how a well-constructed vegan diet can be healthy.

hoobypickypicky · 30/11/2014 11:34

I too would be requesting a meeting and making a complaint. The school's staff are trampling over the boundary of education provider and stomping without invitation into the area of parental responsibility.

It's not the job of the subject teacher to "approve". It's their job to teach and that I suggest that they stick to as nutrition and human biology clearly isn't their forte.

ClangerOnaComeDown · 30/11/2014 11:34

Unfortunately this is what you and your daughter will now have to expect.

You need to learn to close these conversations and move on to another subject.

Oh an be prepared for everyone to point out everything you already know and try to find holes with your daughters choice of clothing/food/shoes/handbags....it goes on and on an on and on and on. Everyone will know better than you and your daughter! Hmm

Also pringles and party rings are vegan Grin

FunkyBoldRibena · 30/11/2014 11:34

because it's a massive watch-out/alarm bell for the beginning of an eating disorder in over achieving girls.

More likely because it is a massive alarm bell for some forward thinking and environmental awareness and we can't have that.

hoobypickypicky · 30/11/2014 11:40

"Perhaps they wanted to check that you were aware that she was vegan?"

Ahem. The girl lives at home with her the OP. Do the staff think the OP is stupid and wouldn't have noticed that her previously vegetarian daughter had started eschewing dairy products?

tobysmum77 · 30/11/2014 12:00

yanbu op at all, it is none of their business other than how they accomodate her needs on school trips.

What a child eats is only a teachers business if their parents are not feeding them or if v they have evidence of something really worrying (eg chucking up after lunch but then they would just be checking the parent was aware)

Dd's reaction sounds sensible and healthy to me though and its probably easier to just ignore.

DoItTooJulia · 30/11/2014 12:06

For some reason vegetarianism (less so) and veganism makes some people feel like they can comment on the lifestyle choice. It's something you all need to adjust to.

I've been veggie and vegan for most of my life and if I had a pound for every time I was challenged on it, or questioned on it, I'd be a millionaire! Some people are just inquisitive and some people are combatant about it, but if it comes up it rarely goes unmentioned.

Whether the school should've done it, I don't know. On one hand they're looking out for her, on the other it's intrusive. The best thing I think yo,u can do is teach your daughter how to deal with people who bring it up in a non confrontational (even in the face of confrontation) way.

Ps. Not everyone comments, just some!

Bunbaker · 30/11/2014 12:11

"(I'm weak, pregnancy cravings get the better of me, what can I say?)."

It has nothing to do with being weak. Pregnancy cravings are usually a sign of your body requiring more of some nutrients. In the case of veganism it is likely to be iron or vitamin B12, so don't beat yourself up about it.

LadyIsabellaWrotham · 30/11/2014 12:21

I don't think it's unreasonable to talk about fertility-related health matters if you've got your facts straight. For example, if your DD was eating tinned tuna sandwiches for lunch every day of the week then it would be reasonable to point out that this is not safe for anyone who might want to be pregnant in the future - the fact that it's a reproductive health issue doesn't make it off-limits.

However it's only right to have this sort of conversation if you've got your facts correct, so in this case they ABU.

crumblebumblebee · 30/11/2014 12:21

hooby Many people do not notice that their child has anorexia nervosa because sufferers can be very sneaky and deceptive. I disagree with the teachers but I am just saying why they might have questioned the OP.

BackforGood · 30/11/2014 12:34

Well you said you were concerned at first because you didn't understand how she would get the necessary nutrition, you can't really be annoyed with them for being in the same situation as you. You should be really glad they care about her health

YABU to think that teachers of secondary age pupils - and in particular girls, shouldn't use the one opportunity this year they will see her parent(s) to just check all is well. As others have said on this page - a lot of girls (in particular) jump on to 'faddy' bandwagons without knowing a lot about it and without considering all the implications. It's great that she has a caring staff who want to ensure all is well - just as you did when she first announced it, they were concerned that she might not be one of the properly researched sensible minority who are eating very healthily. All you had to say was 'I was concerned too at first, but ...{put all the info you've put in your OP}. Thanks for your concern though'

Miggsie · 30/11/2014 12:42

As a vegan your daughter will need to take B12 supplements regularly. All my vegan friends do, even the men. You can't get that from plant sources.

However, if people know you are vegetarian/vegan and female they immediately will equate every illness to this. Every illness I had was attributed to this and I had endless blood tests for over 10 years. In fact, I stopped saying I was veggie simply to get taken seriously by doctors.
Ironically, years later I was diagnosed with hypermobility syndrome, which is not caused by diet!

You'll just have to grin and bear this one, or tell people that they really need to keep their uninformed opinions to themselves. The important thing is your daughter gets the right balance of nutrients from plant sources, which is perfectly possible, other than the B vitamins.

BananaLeaf · 30/11/2014 12:47

I have fertility issues and tried for a baby for 5 years, 6 rounds of clomid failed and I was looking at IVF but decided against it.
Started eating vegan (for other reasons) and unexpectedly fell pregnant within 6 months. I know it's only a correlation, but it obviously did not have an adverse effect on my fertility!
Like a PP I went back to eating 'normally' once pregnant mainly because we were traveling I didn't feel experienced enough to commit to it properly.
YANBU I doubt they are qualified to comment and I think I would be following it up to find out on what basis they 'disapprove' so the issue can be resolved.

Moniker1 · 30/11/2014 12:50

I would think taking this up with the school and complaining would cause you more stress than letting it go.

Perhaps there has been issues with previous pupils for them to speak up without any evidence of your DD's ill health.

Unless it is brought up repeatedly by school staff I would ignore. Will they even know in future if DD is vegan, assuming she isn't requesting special meals at lunchtime.

CalicoBlue · 30/11/2014 12:57

I would complain, it is nothing to do with them.

So they have chosen to talk to her about it and say they disprove of something that you support. Then they tell you that they disprove, without checking that you are happy with it. For all they know you could be Vegan too.

I had a bit of this when I did not send my son for vaccinations at high school, the teachers were telling him how wrong I was. None of their business, for all they knew I was getting them done another time.

FryOneFatManic · 30/11/2014 13:09

CalicoBlue I agree with you.

The teachers weren't saying about being aware, etc, and wanting to be sure the parent was also aware, they had jumped over the boundary in saying they didn't approve, and then going on about fertility, in a non-confidential setting. (If a second teacher heard and joined in, it can't have been confidential).

Checking a parent is aware, given possible links to AN, is fine. The rest, the "approving" etc, is not. There is a difference here.

HappyJustToBe · 30/11/2014 13:19

clanger party rings are not vegan. They contain gelatine.