To be really angry and a bit worried that my dad tried to feed shortbread

[Luxme]

To my 6 week old daughter??

He put it to her lips and said 'go on then'. I said 'what on Earth are you doing?' ?He said 'just wiping a bit of sugar on her lips'. I tried not to go absolutely mental at him and said 'that's dangerous dad, promise me you won't do that again' he said (to my daughter) 'your mum likes sugar' I said 'yeah dad but I'm 35 not 6 weeks old'. He just ignored me and carried on jigging her and ate the biscuit. I reiterated to him that she's not designed to eat solids yet and he just kind of well, pretended not to hear me.

I felt like going mad at him. I didn't as so to not cause a scene. I'm annoyed because I just didn't think he'd be so stupid and secondly that he didn't seem to care.

MH issues are not relevant. Tell him in no uncertain terms not to even dream of doing something so stupid again.

I think it's a grandparent thing I wouldn't of even got mad tbh. My dm was giving my ds chocolate sauce Christmas day when he was a fee months old and I caught my grandad giving my dd white chocolate to suck at a couple of months old to. If you get so her up and need to be in control of everything you will turn into a nervous wreck. And yes I agree babies don't need sugar and yes your df should of listened and acknowledged you but it's not that big of a deal. Think of the bigger picture.

My husband is also a dentist so we are especially cautious about sugar!! Irrelevant to my dad but not to us. I can handle the odd biscuit here and there but not taking the piss.

I'm going to make it very clear next time he ignores me that I'm the parent and where it concerns DD, what my husband and I says goes.

You're right to be cross. At this stage you are the one who controls your dds food.
My OH fed our DS a tiny bit of cockle when he was 9 months. He came out in a head to foot rash. The thing is, I was telling him about the family shellfish "allergy". (It's not a true allergy, but we are dodgy with certain types of shellfish - my mum found it hard to breathe, her dad had a rash type thing). I went mad, my nan went mad, he was read the riot act!
Regarding your brother, if he wears a "smoking jacket" which he takes off and then washed his hands and face/mouth would that be an acceptable compromise?

It would be yes, but unfortunately that would get the same reception, he'd smirk at me and ignore me.

I've seen my gran do this with my dads dogs and my aunt (her daughter and his sister) with our family dogs, you ask them not to feed the dog a biscuit and they will ignore you and just do it.

You challenge them and they'll treat you like you are unreasonable for reacting. I personally don't get it.

My mum wants to look after DD when I go back to work but I don't feel I can trust him (dad always at home and is quite possessive over mum) not to undermine my parenting decisions (e.g: no fruit juice or fizzy drinks, routine etc)

Oh now that sounds like a situation you don't want to go anywhere near!

Tell her the reason, if you get on with her. Maybe she can then be your backup when he's around. But don't let her get caught up in the middle of a battle of wills here, don't let her have to fight your battles for you. Get a nursery place or a childminder, then Grandma time can be special and not something you have to stress over.

Yanbu. Six weeks wtf! I would've gone mental. A lot of older people have this idea of sugar being this treat and a sign of how much you love someone is to give them sugar. Most GPs have that mentality. My Dad does. Sadly nowadays we do need to be more vigilant cos sugar is everywhere and not just a treat any more.

"A lot of older people have this idea of sugar being this treat and a sign of how much you love someone is to give them sugar."

This.

I think you're overreacting to treat it as if he tried to feed her rat poison - he was doing something which, to his generation, is a completely normal thing to do to a little baby who you love.

He needs to know that it's not recommended now and to not do it again, but a couple of grains of sugar on her lips, once? No, it's not "dangerous". You're massively overreacting.

Remember how common it was and still is to put sugar on dummies, sugar in milk, crushed up biscuits/risks in milk from six weeks etc. Sugar is a well known pacifier for babies, hence it's use in NNUs everywhere. He probably just did it because that's what you did with babies when his were little. His reaction afterwards sounds embarrassed more than anything.

Just wait before making decisions about childcare etc. I wouldn't go overboard over this one incident.

It's probably an issue of "it was ok in my day". I can't leave DD with MIL as she is unsafe and doesn't respect my wishes as a mother, it's not nice when you can't trust one of your child's close relatives to look after them but their safety comes first.

IME - you'll have to be around and watchful and not leave them alone with the DC - as it's very likely this will be a constant - you say don't do something they will immediately do it just to prove you wrong even if it's really stupid and dangerous.

It's was for us part of not accepting us as adults - still viewing us as children - and not accepting us as the parents.

Hopefully it's a one off for you -but I'm getting the impression it's not.

While I would decide about the childcare right this second - I'd research now what alternative options you have now and see how things go in the next few months.

No - YABNU but more as he kept doing it after you ask him not to.

This is not a "grandparent thing" and "older people" in general do not think its a good idea to give shortbread to a 6 week old.

Having said that "going ballistic" is not going to do much for family relationships in general and you currently get on well with your Mum who is supportive to you.

Time for assertiveness:

"Dad-last time baby was here you fed her shortbread-this is dangerous-I was very upset.
Please don't give her anything to taste again,
Then I can feel confident about Mum and you looking after her"

Also I would have a chat with your Mum about your worry about her looking after the baby if she can't keep an eye on your Dad-but also let her know that you appreciate her support.

When I saw your title I thought it would probably be an older baby and that you were being precious, after all a bit of biscuit won't hurt a weaned child.

But 6 WEEKS?

No!

obviously no to short bread but he was surely only putting it to baby's lips, ie. the sugar. the sugar is not poison.
i think you need to calm down. you will end up a nervous wreck.

I am with skylark and I think you are overreacting - you don't KNOW what he will be like when your DC is older, you don't know he will undermine you. He did something a bit silly but hardly the crime of the century and you had a word. He was probably embarrassed: small babies often make people nervous and do daft things!

You are getting used to being a mum and he is getting used to being a Grandad. It's a learning curve.

You are also being a bit much to shout at someone for having a cigarette outside. I know how hard it is seeing your precious baby come into contact with others and their smells (!) my MIL smokes heavily and even though she never smoked near the babies, even outside our house she REEKED and it really annoyed me - but what can you do? Its only for a few minutes and the baby will be fine. More important for you and her to have a good relationships with your bro.

God no, sugar isn't poison. Everything in moderation. If you are an adult.

However after a few days thought, there are a number of separate issues.

Firstly, you don't try and give a biscuit to a 6 week old baby who is very obviously not designed to consume it. Ridiculous behaviour and I doubt feeding a baby that young solids was advised in the 1980s when he had children.

Secondly, whilst sugar isn't poison it can have an adverse impact on your teeth and gums. You don't brush a 6 week old baby's teeth to prevent that damage and I appreciate it was just once but that's not the point. Her intestines are also not equipped.

Thirdly, I am my daughters mother and therefore I make the choices for her until she is old enough to do so. He doesn't seem to respect that. Until he does then he won't be caring for her.

I'm not seeking advice about my brother to be honest. The issue with him is not the smoking really (and whether or not he smokes in my garden or home is up to me entirely, he can do what the hell he likes elsewhere) it's the fact that he was rude and disrespectful to me and my husband by blatantly disregarding our wishes when he was a guest in our home. Anyone who thinks that's acceptable is frankly a bit of a dick.

Drudgetrudy- you have phrased that brilliantly I'll use those. Though next time I'll be taking my DD off him or whoever does something like that next time. "I'm sorry did you not hear what I just said?!". If he does do it again I'll go to feed his dog wine- how would that make him feel?

I'm still feeling very uncomfortable around him (dad) so I'm keeping a distance. Not sure why I feel like this but post partum does odd things to you!!

Ps. I wouldn't actually feed a dog wine!!!

do you have to see him much op?
you must be feeling vulnerable with lo at 6 weeks. take it easy.

Some people are so stupid. A woman from HomeStart who was supposed to be helping me, put a whole piece of chocolate in my baby's mouth and she promptly vomited everywhere (i.e. including the breastmilk she'd had earlier) Thank goodness she didn't choke. Some people are not to be trusted with babies.

We left DFIL holding DS (3.5 months) for a couple of minutes at a pub the other week and we came back to find DS happily trying to cram one of FIL's chips into his mouth. We were also informed that 'he loves ketchup!' I think my facial expression said it all, and it will not be repeated. As FIL pointed out though, it's 27 years since he last looked after a baby and he can't quite remember what happened when - the baby looked interested in the chips, so he gave him one .

My dad did the same OP but ds was 8 weeks prem so he was minute- I try to blank out the first food he ever had was chocolate cake

I think there are a number of separate issues and that's why you have to take them one at a time.

Feeding anything to a 6 wk old baby - not on, of course and you have to explain this to them in a way they understand. And as you say, if they won't follow your lead on this then they won't be left alone with the baby.

'I make the choices until she is old enough to do so' weeeellllllll, yes and no. You make the choices about the people entrusted to take care of her, but once that decision has been made you can't micromanage it. When your child is older, if you leave her with your parents then yes, they will feed her things you don't really approve of. It's part of being a GP. You either have to go with the flow or not leave her with them, I'm afraid. (And I speak as the woman whose DS was give seven slices of toast for breakfast at his GMs last week. Seven fucking slices of toast.)

I have a milk-allergic DD and the first thing that sprung to mind is what if she was allergic?

I was breastfeeding her so I didn't find out she was allergic until we introduced food. Then she had an IgE reaction. I can't imagine coping with that if she was six weeks old instead of 6 months. Milk allergies are becoming more common, it's not unreasonable to think he was putting her at risk.

Not on.

I think he is being manipulative and controlling of you through your DD. Treat him like a toddler: clarity and consequences. "Please do not feed DD solids, they could be very harmful to her. If you feed DD solids again you will not be allowed to hold her anymore. Do you understand?" If he replies yes then be cheerful and say "Brilliant, thank you very much". Anything else, e.g. silence or arguing back should be met with taking DD off him and saying "You do not seem to understand, I will hold DD until you understand".

I'd be very worried about your child care arrangements with you DM and DF in the background.