Aibu to not be considering giving up? 7th miscarriage (long)

[SlicedAndDiced]

Just that really.

I am actually going through our seventh miscarriage as I type, though this time at least it is mercifully early at 7 weeks.

I actually posted back in August when I had just lost our son Alex after going into premature labour, who was just under the cut off for still birth so also classed as a miscarriage.

I do have a uterine abnormality, a kind of bicornulate uterus with a septum. After we lost Alex the consultants told us of an operation I could maybe have that would reshape my womb.

However after viewing a 3d scan of my womb I was told that it would be a much bigger operation than previously thought and that there were only a couple of surgeons/ hospitals in the country that would try it. I'm waiting for a meeting about it but don't have my hopes up, as I was basically told it probably wouldn't improve my chances anyway.

So should I be thinking of giving up and being grateful for the lovely miracle dd I do have?

I should say it is others opinions that has me asking this. My parents I think were worried after the complications with Alex (haemorrhage) and I am getting the distinct impression from people that I should be wanting to stop putting myself and my partner through this now.

But to put it simply I don't. I don't want to give up. Right now I don't care how many more times this happens, as long as I get a breathing baby at the end of it all. I think that to just give up would cause me more pain than all of the losses put together. It would make it all seem for nothing if you see what I mean?

Or am I just being a selfish cow? I just can't tell anymore, my emotions are all over the place having basically spent the last four years pregnant.

So sorry for your losses, OP.
All I can say is don't risk what you have for what you may never have.
My friend's daughter and son grew up with parents who adored them but were grieving for their many miscarriages/ stillbirths. I don't think it did them much good, though they are both now happy adults.
Only you and your DH can know when trying for the family you want might jeopardise the wellbeing of your dd or your own health.

yes be grateful for the dd you have got, but sod what anyone else thinks about trying again if you are up to it. just try not to let it spoil enjoying dd as well. only you know what is right for you all.

You mention you have a dd. I wonder how much this affects her, you must have low points and children do pick up on these, no one can hide loss all the time. I would have the meeting, if they suggest surgery, go for it provided it isn't hugely risky but if they said it was pointless I would have a break. Concentrate on the family you have for now and give it one more go in a years time.

It took forever to have ds (13) and forever to have dd (6).

I could never even get pregnant. dd came along after we had given up and decided to throw ourselves into our wonderful boy and stop living for a hoped for child.

Then of course I got pregnant, helped by some Clomid, but we had really given up. Giving up and not trying and truly accepting what you have can sometimes help fertility, it's just unachievable unitil you are ready.

huge empathy for your loss and huge congratulations on the precious one you have too.

That looks contradictory. I mean in my heart I had given up and I was taking Clomid almost as a final proof that business was over for my fertility.

I'm sorry OP. I have had 4 losses (including late ones) and am trying to make the decision of whether to carry on or not.

I go from being adamant I'm not going to and have made enquiries about adoption, but then I can't quite bring myself to get rid of my maternity clothes, so I know I'm not ready to make a proper decision yet.

Give yourself time out (I needed it, I've either been pregnant, trying or miscarrying for 2 solid years now) to get a bit of head space, then decide what you both want - what other people think doesn't matter.

The only opinions that matter are yours and your husband. If you want to keep trying, you should. I absolute empathize with how you're feeling. I now have 3 children but I've been pregnant seven times. One of our losses, like yours, was well into the second trimester. After each loss I was keen to try again, but when our daughter died (the second trimester loss) it became a need, rather than just a want. I had a number of medical issues which put the odds against us, but we were blessed and our son is now sleeping across my lap. I wish you and your husband all the best and I am so sorry for all that you have been through.

And itscurtainsforyou I'm so sorry you've been through this. I too was pregnant, trying or miscarrying for a number of years. It's miserable, isn't it. Peace to you while you're deciding how to proceed.

So sorry for your losses OP, take time to grieve for your little ones.

I also have a bicornuate uterus with a long septum and I'm booked in for the operation in January. My consultant has been so informative and helpful, perhaps you need a second opinion about it. He thinks it will drastically reduce my risk of losses and preterm births. I know everyone is different but removing the septum generally makes a huge difference. This isn't something you need to think of now, you need to grieve for what you've lost but if you do want to talk about the possibility of the operation or anything else I'm here to listen xxx

However after viewing a 3d scan of my womb I was told that it would be a much bigger operation than previously thought and that there were only a couple of surgeons/ hospitals in the country that would try it. I'm waiting for a meeting about it but don't have my hopes up, as I was basically told it probably wouldn't improve my chances anyway.

You should talk to those surgeons before you make your decision. I certainly wouldn't give up until I'd talked to the doctors best able to help.

Again, thank you all. It is comforting to read your stories of triumph after losses.

I did not think that dd was being affected but now I've thought about it more I'm not so sure. She's bound to have picked up on my emotions. I feel terribly guilty.

Sunnyson the last consultant I saw said because it was such a thick 'dent' they would have to take a wedge out, he basically gave me the impression it would not be worth it.

Still not sure what to do for the best. Dp is supportive but I feel very washed out and do worry that I may be damaging my health. I think dp may be worried too but not saying, and that makes me feel awful. I desperately want another baby, but I don't want it to turn in to an obsession that could ruin my family.

I've been looking up surrogacy but it's just a wealth of information
I can't quite make sense of.

Sorry for the rambling. That's what three drinks does when you aren't used to it. I must be getting older.

New plan of action: take a break, meet the consultant and take it from there.

Sliced and Diced, that sounds like a really good plan.
I think any way you could get violently busy in the present is potentially good, any activity that brings about busy ness with brain occupation is fabulous.

My mc was much worse I think because I wasn't working and my head and heart just became more grief stricken than I feel was healthy in retrospect. I wish I had run into the arms of life more quickly and kept creating more things around me and my loved ones through some kind of productive effort.
I just got so stuck in my loss and I'm not judging myself but I look back and feel I, personally, could have recovered a bit earlier if I had been busier. but everyone has unique grief, I wouldn't presume that people experience these losses in the same way.
much empathy