Am I being unreasonable not to make contact with my sister, over Xmas?

[fruitnfibre]

I have not spoken to my sister for over 4 months? We have always had a strained relationship, I find her extremely selfish and self centred, she would and has described me as moody and short tempered, which I probably am. She was on her own for a month, during the summer and I asked if she would like to come to mine for a few days and spend time with my 2 DC whilst DP and I worked, through the day, DC 9 & 6. I do have regular childcare, which I continued to pay for even though I didnt use, I thought she might like to spend some time with the kids and have some company in the evening. She appeared delighted to be asked. My kids were happy she was going to be looking after them and staying at the house with us. During her stay, I noticed odd behaviour, arguing and getting angry with my 9yr old, about football rules!!! And talking constantly and I mean constantly about her husband, he works away. She has always liked a drink and in the evening, she was always offered a drink, I did say to her to make herself at home and eat/drink whatever, whenever she wanted. She refused drink every time, even though my husband had the odd beer. Most evening she stayed up later than us (we were both working) and on a 2 occasions came into our bedroom to ask me if she could take my DC down the stairs to watch sport, it was after midnight!!!! Anyway to cut a long story short I found a 1/2 empty bottle of alcohol in her room, this was on her last night with us. I did not confront her then as I knew she would be defensive and I didnt want the kids to be around. I decided to wait until her DH was home, so she wasnt alone and talk to her then. Unfortunately my brother told her I found the drink in her room and knew she was secretly drinking, before I managed to speak with her. She was livid and sent a aggressive text saying I was pathetic and it was me that had abnormal issues with drink (I hardly drink, too many alcoholics in the family) and I dont particularly like it. Heavy drinking is not new to her last year she arrived at mine early one morning, and smelled very strongly of alcohol, she has been a regular to heavy drinker for many years. Since then her and her husband have been badmouthing me to other family members, I dont particularly miss her or her husband but the situation is upsetting my dad, who thinking we should make piece, I feel until she is ready to admit she has a problem, I really dont want anything to do with her, AIBU?

What was the half empty bottle of?

Is that why you think she has a problem?

Doesn't sound like much of an invitation to me...

What was the half empty bottle of? She could have taken it tot yours half empty or just had a bit each evening? I would have been pissed off that you discussed my drinking 'problem' with my brother and not me, especially as there may not be a oroblem.

You say she's been bad mouthing you but you talked about her to your brother about her drinking...

Hmmm. It sounds like you don't literacy other much. I'm not sure why you invited her tbh

When you found the half empty bottle of alcohol, why where you in her room in the first place?

I think your sister probably does have a problem with Alcohol and tried to hide it from you. My sister tries to hide it as well and the lengths she can go to to appear as if she's not 'that much of a drinker' are awful. One day I got fed up of her trying to make a complete and utter fool out of me, because thats what they're doing, and I started to challenge her each and every time something came up. I was passed the stage of caring what her drinking was doing to her and fed up to the back teeth of being on the end of her lying and scheming and generally being taken for a complete and utter fool.

I've had no contact with her for a few years now and it suits me down to the ground even though I believe she has taken steps to sort things out 'a bit'. I just will not have her problem in my life, and not only because I have a situation in my life that is my number one priority.

Im not much of a drinker but I quote often have a bottle of wine in my room when Im away, even if staying with friends, because it can be really nice to not have a drink in the evening till you get into bed in your comfy pi's and settle down to read your book in peace with a glass of wine. Its not a secret though, people know I do it and when I refuse a glass at night they'll often say 'ah ok, are you having one later on in bed'. Its my little treat.

I will say however that given the history of alcoholism in your family it could be that your tolerance for alcohol is limited and you see a problem before other people do and it leaves others wondering what you're going on about. It can also mean that you can also 'see' a problem where none exists.

It seems a bit odd given that drinking is usually a social activity that she declined to drink in your and dhs company and chose instead to drink on her own. It could be something or nothing. Perhaps she couldnt sleep - self medication perhaps.

Also was it her bottle or yours?

If she had taken you up on your offer of a drink would you be sitting there judging her?

Because there is nothing worse when trying to have a drink and someone sitting there judging you. I personally would do the same thing your sister did

Doesn't sound like much of an invitation to me

I'm afraid I agree. I don't really see what concern it is of yours if your sister is a secret drinker. If you cared about her I might understand, but you talk about finding the bottle as if you had caught her stealing.

I agree it was not much of an invitation, we are very different people and have both previously discussed issues with other family members rather than talk to each other. So not the healthiest of relationships, her husband works away and she often phones crying/upset about how much she misses him, I have told her to speak to her husband, which she says she has done, but he has told her he needs to work away to maintain their lifestyle! They like the best things in life! The bottle was hers, it was vodka and I did go looking for it, earlier that day she had an accident in the car, my DC were in the car, a lorries took her side mirror off, she came straight from the accident to my work and I could smell drink on her. I must admit selfish though it sounds, I have not missed her contact over the last months.

So you get your sister down to babysit your kids and you're annoyed that she's had a drink in her room?

What is the issue here because I'm obviously missing something...

I did not confront her then as I knew she would be defensive and I didnt want the kids to be around. I decided to wait until her DH was home, so she wasnt alone and talk to her then. Unfortunately my brother told her I found the drink in her room

This sums up the issue - if you decided to be sensitive about talking to her to ensure that her husband was home, then why on earth did you tell anyone else beforehand? I can understand her being upset that you discussed this with your brother before talking to her, and that makes me think that it's six of one and half a dozen of the other when it comes to who has said what about whom. You don't get on, neither of you seem that concerned about it, so why force a relationship when you could just go about your lives without?!

The bottle was hers, it was vodka and I did go looking for it, earlier that day she had an accident in the car, my DC were in the car, a lorries took her side mirror off, she came straight from the accident to my work and I could smell drink on her

OP, I think this is called drip-feeding. IMHO any guest should be allowed to have a quiet drink in their room unless it is a teetotaller house, but drunk-driving with your children in her car is a whole different ball-game.

After she came to you after the accident with the kids in the car, what happened next? surely she did not then drive again? drink driving kills and this would have been enough for me to call the police, really.

why would you allow your sister who you have long suspected has an issue with alcohol and was behaving suspiciously to mind your children and drive them around. hurt feelings or not i would have no trouble pointing out to someone that they were not in a fit state to mind my child, her safety is my responsibility. You were being unreasonable to discuss it with your brother first. I have a secret drinker in my immediate family i deal wit it by never ignoring the fact they are obviously drunk and ensuring they never care for my child.

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