Patronised during pregnancy

[Sockstealer]

Please don't flame me, if I'm being daft and unreasonable I'm fine with that, but try to be nice!

I had my antenatal appointment this week, and I had bloods taken, all pretty big standard the first ones they do. They are to check blood group, check for HIV, sickle cell anaemia and other things. Now they already know my blood group, it is very, very unlikely that any of the other things have changed since they last checked when I had my first baby.

I don't like having my blood taken, I'm a wimp, I just am, and even when I pre warm medical staff they always still end up going on about horrible things while the blood is being taken, then letting me see the blood in the tubes, and I have before fainted.

I told the midwife I wasn't going to have bloods taken (the antenatal wasn't only for that), as I'd had it all checked before and I don't believe anything's changed. She told me that I HAD to have them taken and insisted that I did.

I went along with it but I really felt like telling her that I don't have to do anything, pregnant or not it is my body. But I didn't.

I've now had two different midwives lecturing me about the importance of breast feeding, despite me telling them that I'd give it a go, but will switch to formula if I feel the need to, as I did with my happy and healthy son.

They spent most of the appointment talking to dp about me in front of me.

It's not only that but I would rather like to consider a home birth, and anyone I've mentioned it to so far has shook their head, rolled their eyes, told me I'd be irresponsible.

I've had eye rolls for taking sickness medication.

I feel as though my body isn't my own anymore, yes I knew this before I got pregnant, but suddenly everyone knows what's best, everyone's got an opinion.

I can sort of see now why older people get annoyed with the ever changing medical advice, if something has worked for you before then you want to stick with it.

Did they ask you about domestic violence with your DH sat right next to you? That was my favourite bit of my first appointment.
We found it very telling that we found the first NHS antenatal class very patronising and lacking in half decent scientific / physiological information, and at the second one half the class didn't bother coming. Clearly felt the same as us and voted with their feet.
I've also had a lot of this treatment from family and friends, FIL laughing at the idea of having a home birth (I'm not, but we considered it) and SO MANY people taking umbrage at us finding out the sex of our baby - apparently we've spoiled the surprise! I don't give a shit - it's MY (OK, our ) baby!
I'm assured it only gets worse though once the baby comes...this is my first so I wouldn't know...

The umbrage at finding out the sex is an odd one. We haven't had much of it, but one or two people have asked 'You're not going to find out the sex, are you?!' Apropos of nothing. Way to make it obvious that you're going to judge before we've even told you what we're doing!

One of the people to do this was a random guy who came round to quote for some flooring. Everyone's got an opinion . . .

My SIL said to me, "will you be finding out the sex of the baby?" and when I replied that "No, I want to wait until it's born" she said "But they will tell you if you ask"

"Yes, I know that they might but I don't want to know!"

"you've only got to ask"

Some of you have got horrible friends! If I knew someone who was going to harp on about decisions I made about my body and my baby, they probably wouldn't be in my life by the time I gave birth whether I was related to them or not! How and why do you put up with people who treat you like this? I always assumed that pregnancy hormones were partly there to help you muster up a bit of brutal honesty for anyone who proffered unsolicited opinions...

You need those antibody tests. Somewhere between DC1 and DC2 I lost my immunity to measles and rubella. I was 38 years old with DC2 so obviously, those childhood vaccinations aren't necessarily lifelong. I would never have known had I not had my bloods taken. They are vital and a real guide as to how healthy you are. You could develop gestational diabetes which is a real risk to baby. You could develop anaemia. You are probably fit as a fiddle, but from my own experience of learning I lost immunity to certain illnesses, I would suggest you tryst the midwives are working with you and have only excellent intentions. I know how you feel, I truly do. And taking blood in pregnancy certainly is a bit harder on us. But like a good scout, it's best to be prepared.

Well, I find it's not friends who are the problem dojo. It's more peripheral people, oddly, who seem keener to offer their opinion - perhaps because they don't mind so much if you're offended!

In which case a swift 'FUCK YOU' should do the trick Adam - surely the lack of concern over offending people can work in your favour too...!

Lots of replies, thanks for all the opinions.

A couple of things I disagree with, the wouldn't have to treat me as if I have HIV, if I refused the test, I've had a number of operations and haven't had to have blood tests beforehand. Also I didn't say that I could not have contracted HIV, I said that I think it's very unlikely.

Also ridiculous to say that I should close my eyes so that I don't see the blood, I do close my eyes during the test, but afterwards they still wave it around in front of me afterwards, I can't close my eyes while I get up and finish my appointment. I always tell then how bad I am with blood, some are very sensitive but others haven't give a shit.

I admit there is a control issue with me here, I've had some horrible experiences with hospitals, I had a horrible experience with my first birth, I also had an operation a few years ago and was forced by a nurse to do something which led to an infection, this was because she thought I was somebody else who had had a different op, this came to light but it was too late as she'd already forced me to do something while I was groggy and sick from an anaesthetic.

There've been several other similar things. I just feel that if I'm misinformed or misunderstanding something, I'd prefer to be given a brief explanation, not just be laughed at and told I've 'got to'.

I've had the gender thing too, people asking if I'm going to find out the sex, then telling me I shouldn't, I shouldn't ruin the surprise, it shouldn't matter etc.

I know I'm withering on and it probably is more about me wanting to feel that I'm in control. .

By the way, I am not complaining about all medical professionals, in my experience it's been a mix, when I was actually giving birth to my son during the pushing part, I had 3 midwives there with me and they were amazing. It was before and afterwards it's was horrible.

I've had a wonderful health visitor with ds, the midwife who did my booking in couldn't have been more lovely.

Guess I just want to feel like me and not an incubator.

The set blood tests are for a reason and if the midwife let you not have them they may get in trouble. The best way to deal with blood tests is to turn your head sharply away until its totally finished - they usually say "you can look now" if you are obviously trying not to.

I hate all medical professionals and procedures, but I think the thing is not to dwell on them. I had a terrible first birth but second one was a breeze.

Re home birth, if your first was an easy enough birth then go for it. I'd only be worried if you lived very remotely. My husband was terrified of home birth though so I never properly considered it as it would have caused tension and he would probably have fainted and fallen in the birthing pool. He fainted in the prenatal classes at a video of a epidural. Actually he did not faint when I had an epidural, but only because he was looking in the other direction, as above advice.

Good luck with the new baby, they will be cute and cuddly and who cares what sex.

For the blood tests:

Blood group doesn't change but your antibodies do. They would never go on the old results, it always has to be 'fresh'

HIV - they don't want to know for you, they want to know to prevent transmission to your baby. As you said, you don't have a test before an op as health professionals treat everybody as if they could be infected - but you do before you have a baby as you can prevent your baby having HIV even if you have it. Your risk may be low but if you have sex without condoms, it isn't zero.

Rubella - immunity doesn't last for life. Just because you were immune before, doesn't mean you are now. Again they want to know to protect your baby.

The tests aren't complusory but I'm guessing you would have felt differently if they had explained better and less patronizingly

I had a horrible last pregnancy, hyperemesis which the midwives I saw just belittled me about. On my booking in appt I got the "take folic acid, can you make sure you eat 5 portions of fruit and veg a day, take vitamin d" in quite a patronising way. I said no offence but I managed to grow a baby on cans of coke and toast last time and all the midwives I saw before seemed to think that was perfectly adequate! , I'm not too worried about all of that as I can actually eat this time, thanks to ondanestron. Ooooo she said I'm not sure you should be taking that until your vomiting. Erm no love, by that time I've tipped over the edge and its too late!! I know they mean well but grrrr

Billyokey - anti d is not necessary if both parents are rh negative. Two negative parents cannot make a postitive baby. I refused it in both my pregnancies as it not needed, I did my research as I'm sure the pp who said she also refused it must have done.

My DD is due to have her first, any day now. We are in Liverpool.

She is hopefully having a Home Pool birth and has been fully supported by her MW to do this. The Pool has been collected and set up from the Liverpool Women's Hospital.

She has had positive feedback from every MW that she had come into contact with.

My Niece gave Birth in the same hospital las year and had excellent care. She has MH issues and was dealt with wonderfully.

Care does seem to vary around the country.

How horrible :( I am a student midwife and just so you know you can refuse ANY care in pregnancy, any test you do not want. They don't like it but it is your legal right and also your right not to be bullied about it.

The more I read replies and think about it the more I feel it's a control issue with me, partly because of past experiences. You're supposed to enjoy pregnancy but to me it feels like 9 months of being poked, prodded and tested.

Perhaps care varies around the country, but with me I felt that it was more because my labour wasn't textbook. All the way through I was told I was imagining things, I was wrong.

When I first phoned the hospital to say that my waters had gone 2 days before due date I was told they probably hadn't, I'd probably wet myself, I probably wasn't in labour. When I got to the hospital I was told I'd probably be better at home, I'd probably be at least 24 hours.

It just makes me so angry.

I didn't want to find out about the sex of my last child. I saw the consultant who said "do you know what your having". I said "no, I want it to be a suprise". He replied "hmmm yes, we need to do another scan because we've found a slight problem on his testies"
(it was found to be ok)

Aw samithesausage that made me laugh glad he's ok.

Meow what happened with your first labour? Was it similar to mine? I wonder if it's a thing with quick labour. And was your second as quick?

I'm so glad that you had a better time of it second time around.

Does anyone know if I can ask to see my records from the hospital for ds?

All the way through I was told I was imagining things, I was wrong.

I was in for monitoring at 40+15 and having regular contractions that had me crying out and trying to twist off the bed to get away from the pain. Midwife told me they weren't real contractions, just "little tightenings", because they didn't look like much on the monitor - and I wouldn't go into labour without being induced. Baby born 12 hours of "little tightenings" later, oops. And I'm not the only person I knew who had that happen.

I wish certain people working in maternity services were better at listening to women, not working from the assumption that if we report excessive sickness or labour-type pain then we're just being overly delicate little princesses.

Guess I just want to feel like me and not an incubator.

Well, this may not be the solution, but what you actually are in another person they have to process that day. Anti natal staff really are busy. They have a number of bits of information to give and a number of samples/bits of information to get. In truth, they haven't got the time to argue the toss about blood tests and whether breast feeding advice is patronising because they've another 50 people to process.

Oh yes and when I was put on the ward I was told to try to be quiet as I was getting hysterical. My contractions 'weren't real' either.

I remember twisting around on that bed with twat of an ex asleep in the chair and just desperately wanting a sip of water.