AIBU and a party pooper to "ruin" a surprise party?

[notenoughwine]

I think I may already know the answer to this, and I may come off like a humourless prude but here goes...

My mum, my aunt and a few of their friends are throwing a surprise party for their friend who is turning 60 on Friday. They've know her their whole lives, and she was like an aunt to me when I was growing up.

I've known about and been invited to the party for weeks now but last night I was very surprised to find out that it was going to be an Ann summers night and that they had booked a male stripper. I'm definitely not a prude and I've seen male strippers before, but I really don't think that this is the kind of party she would want. She's never been married and as long as I've been alive she's never had any boyfriend that I know of. She is very quiet and shy, a really lovely woman.

When I raised these concerns to my mum and aunt they kind of laughed it off and told me I was being silly. They obviously know her better than me but I just don't think that this is want she would want. Also given the fact that the strippers I've seen in the past tend to pick on the birthday girl or the hen I'm kind of worried about how she would react to that.

I'm a bit conflicted, do I tell her about it and ruin the surprise (and maybe the party)? Do I gently try to feel her out to see what her feelings are? Do I let it go ahead as planned and maybe gave a word with the guy not to embarrass her?

Please help.

[notenoughwine]

Hi PagWatch her judgement is usually good, she's good at buying gifts people will like, going places people will like etc. I just wonder if they are organizing the party they would like without really taking her situation into consideration.

Like a few people have already said having a big willy waved in your face is not everyone's cup of tea and they would walk out. I view these types of things as a bit of fun and so do my mum and aunt. But obviously there are people who view it completely differently.

[limitedperiodonly]

Grit your teeth, say nothing, polish up your 'told you so' expression in case you need it, take plenty of booze. You're in a win win situation - if she loves it you didn't spoil it for her, if she hates it you predicted as much and can go all judgy on your mum and aunt.

Completely agree with PurpleWithRed. Please report back

Years ago some workmates booked a strippergram for the 21st birthday of one of the blokes.

I guessed he wouldn't like it, but when I said that, I was argued down by the men who'd booked her. True, they worked more closely with him and so should have known him better, but I had a funny feeling he wouldn't like it. I said nothing.

He walked out, which was really embarrassing for most of us, including the stripper. The men who'd booked her just did it because they liked strippers. They always mocked his prudishness foreverafter.

[Got99problems]

Note could you pretend that you're having an Ann Summers/ stripper party yourself for some event you've got coming up, and mention it to her/ invite her to it? That way you'd have your answer about how she feels about it!

[Pagwatch]

Ok then, I think you probably need to let it play out then and see what happens.
If it were me, and I was still pretty sure she wouldn't like it, I would probably ask exactly that question. "are you really sure she will think its great and it's not just one thing you will find hilarious. Because if she hates it you will feel awful"
But I would walk out of a party like that so I know anyone who organised one for me would be left like in the situation limitedperiodonly described.

[notenoughwine]

limitedperiodonly I'll report back but let's just hope there isn't much to report.

It sounds like it could be worse with your work mates who really don't know you as well as friends I suppose.

[FollowTheStarship]

Actually this thread has made me think about it and I am surprised it's allowed, on reflection.

Someone is being paid to effectively expose themselves to and harass someone who is not expecting it and may or may not be keen. Behaviour that would be a crime in some other situations. It could be incredibly traumatic for some people.

I do still think it's not really your responsibility to worry about OP, but I do agree it could be awful.

[FollowTheStarship]

I like the idea of arriving late and missing it. If the recipient is unhappy you can then be supportive and uninvolved IYSWIM.

[notenoughwine]

PagWatch That's almost word for word what I asked.

[Pagwatch]

Then theres not much else you can do.

[SirChenjin]

Follow - I totally agree. Limited's post put that in context - not only was the bloke deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed, he now has to endure ongoing mocking because he has now been deemed a prude for not wanting to see a stranger take off their clothes (and more).

[SolidGoldBrass]

I think you're actively projecting your own agism, actually. A lot of stupid people think there's something inherently disgusting in old people - particularly older women - having any interest in sex.
Your mum has said that this woman will enjoy the party.
Your mum's judgement, according to you, is normally sound.

Yet you're still whining and stressing and determined that you know best. Chill out and find something else to occupy yourself with.

[Carriemac]

Solid that is uncalled for. If the OP knows this person and feels she will not like it, then that is a valid feeling

[DoJo]

SolidGoldBrass

A bit contradictory there - the OP hasn't given any indication that her mum or aunt wouldn't think this was a brilliant idea, quite the opposite, so given that they are all roughly the same age, it seems unlikely that ageism is the problem.

[SirChenjin]

No-one is whining and stressing, nor do they need to chill out.

[LadyIsabellaWrotham]

If the party organisers have watched a documentary about male strippers with the surprisee, and chatted about it, then that is exactly the sort of "sounding out" that people are advising the OP to do. I think the fact that your mother is normally good at judging that sort of thing is a good omen OP.

[notenoughwine]

Well a few people wanted an update to hear about how the night ended up.

And I have to admit I was completely wrong, she took the whole thing in stride and everyone had a good laugh.

Thanks for the advice everyone...on both sides.

[LineRunner]

I told you it would all be fine.

Really, between us, just how gruesome was it?

[notenoughwine]

I'll pretend i believe that's what you said LineRunner LOL.

Well it wasn't very gruesome at all as far as these things go. Lots of giggling and naughty jokes...and a nudey fella obviously.

[Delphine31]

What a relief to hear it all went ok.

I've only just read the thread and wondered as I was reading whether you would have updated.

For what it's worth, I would feel extremely apprehensive knowing that this sort of surprise party was on the cards for any of my friends (whatever age/situation).

If someone organised this for me I would find it excruciatingly embarrassing.

But I have learned from this thread that not everyone feels the same about it!

[YouAreBoring]

Glad it went well and that she enjoyed her party.


Id have hated it

[notenoughwine]

Thanks YouAreBoring remind me never to arrange one for you.

Thanks Delphine31 I learned from the thread just how much a lot of people would hate it.

[SirChenjin]

That's great it went well

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

Glad she enjoyed it. You did say your mum is usually a good judge of these sorts of things so I guess she knows her friend really well.

[susiedaisy]

I'm glad she enjoyed it op.

[Milmingebag]

On every level it's inappropriate. I mean who has a party with their Mum and other relatives with dildos and strippers?

It's just vile.

If your aunt is into this surely the facade she has kept up for years with you will mean she will be inhibited if you are there?

Personally I would make my excuses and not attend the tack-fest. It's a weird idea and sounds like a self-gift for the organisers.