AIBU and a party pooper to "ruin" a surprise party?

[notenoughwine]

I think I may already know the answer to this, and I may come off like a humourless prude but here goes...

My mum, my aunt and a few of their friends are throwing a surprise party for their friend who is turning 60 on Friday. They've know her their whole lives, and she was like an aunt to me when I was growing up.

I've known about and been invited to the party for weeks now but last night I was very surprised to find out that it was going to be an Ann summers night and that they had booked a male stripper. I'm definitely not a prude and I've seen male strippers before, but I really don't think that this is the kind of party she would want. She's never been married and as long as I've been alive she's never had any boyfriend that I know of. She is very quiet and shy, a really lovely woman.

When I raised these concerns to my mum and aunt they kind of laughed it off and told me I was being silly. They obviously know her better than me but I just don't think that this is want she would want. Also given the fact that the strippers I've seen in the past tend to pick on the birthday girl or the hen I'm kind of worried about how she would react to that.

I'm a bit conflicted, do I tell her about it and ruin the surprise (and maybe the party)? Do I gently try to feel her out to see what her feelings are? Do I let it go ahead as planned and maybe gave a word with the guy not to embarrass her?

Please help.

[susiedaisy]

Bloody hell what an awful party. If your aunt has never married and never had a boyfriend it would seem to me that the party will be one big laugh at her expense. I mean of all the party themes to choose they choose a sex/stripper type party for a lady who may well of never had sex at all!! Oh well. Report back and let us know what your aunty thought of her celebration.

[susiedaisy]

Sorry just realised it a friend who was like an aunt to you not your actual aunt.

[Ragwort]

Sounds horrendous - and puts you in a very difficult position. Don't know what I would do, maybe have another word with your mum and say something along the lines 'are you absolutely sure X will enjoy the party, it really doesn't sound like her sort of thing and it could be incredibly awkward for everyone involved if she has to 'pretend' she likes it'.

[SnakeyMcBadass]

I'd loathe this and refuse to take part. Some oiled, waxed bloke helicoptering his cock near my head would give me the rage. But I guess you can't say anything, just be ready to rescue her if you can see she's hating it.

[MyCarHasBrokenDownAgain]

Does the friend have any other relatives you could spill the beans re the party too? They could then make an informed decision whether to tell your mum and Aunt to back off if need be?

[LineRunner]

I would tell my mother that I thought it such a crap idea that I wouldn't be going.

[SlimJiminy]

Please don't assume you know for sure that she wouldn't like this op - I know someone whose hen do was arranged at the naffest drag show imaginable and her SIL and DM wrongly assumed she'd hate it. Luckily they got her DP to subtly bring it up in conversation to confirm that she did in fact love the place and had managed to convince them she was classy until then ;)

I can understand your worry, but my friend's SIL and her DM assumed they knew her well enough too - turns out they didn't and they could've spoilt her surprise if they'd revealed all. Certainly wouldn't be my cup of tea, but it could be hers. Is there any way you could get someone to bring it up casually in conversation as opposed to blurting out the entire plan to 'warn' her?!

[Viviennemary]

Those parties are totally vile and should be banned by law IMHO. I'd walk out the door if it was my party. But since you are not involved in the organisation of the party I don't think it's up to you to say anything. If it all ends in tears you can say I told you so.

[notenoughwine]

Jeez. I've just gotten off the phone with my mother. She insists it won't be an issue and her friend is going to enjoy her surprise, her justification seems to be that they watched some channel 4 documentary about strippers a while ago and they joked about arranging one for a party.

Some of these responses are exactly the type of reaction I'm worried about - some people love these types of things and some absolutely loathe them.

I know what you mean SlimJiminy I've seen girls who were apprehensive about a stripper have a great laugh on the night, but they were pretty outgoing girls.

I think I'm resigned to not telling her if I can't convince my mum or aunt to tell her. I know I'll regret it if it isn't well received though.

[SirChenjin]

Oh lordy....this sounds utterly grim - it would be my idea of hell. Does anyone over the age of about 23 actually enjoy watching strippers and Ann Summer tat?

Could you make some excuse and go later after the "surprise!" bit so you don't have to witness the potential embarrassment? And YY to making it clear that it's their choice of party and you're having nothing to do with the fallout if it all goes horribly wrong.

[Bulbasaur]

The thing about aunts and authority figures is that they act moral to set a good example and be a good role model. Even though you're an adult she may act differently with you, than she does on her own with her friends.

In any case, don't spoil it. It's their party, if they misjudged it's on them. If you tell no matter how their friend feels, the party will be ruined because of you. Let them have their fun.

I'm not sure I'd go to a party where I'd have to watch my mom and aunts getting lady wood though

[DoJo]

Can you just come up with an action plan for if she doesn't like it? Keep a close eye on her when the big reveal comes, make sure you are on hand if she looks like she is horrified and provide transport/excuses/shoulder to cry on or similar if it all goes tits (or possibly dicks) up! If you are really worried, could you speak to her about a 'friend' who is organising a hen do for someone with strippers etc and see what her reaction is? You could always ring and ask what she wants for her birthday and drop it into conversation...

[TurnOverTheTv]

My best friends mum organised a suprise party for her 30th and I just KNEW my friend would hate it. She got a bit suss and asked me outright and I had to tell her. She was so so grateful, could get herself psyched up for going into a room full of people, and just feel planned and ready. Her mother was NOT impressed I'd blabbed.

[Nanny0gg]

It better not be for me...

I can't think of anything I'd hate more and it's nothing to do with prudery.

However, I don't think you can say anything.

[NormaStits]

Don't spill the beans. But you could see what her reaction is to the general Ann Summers theme on the night and if it's not good, either pre-warn her about the stripper then, or be close at hand to rescue her when he comes in.

[SolidGoldBrass]

I think you need to step back and accept that your mum and aunt know the birthday woman better than you. You've aired your concerns, fair enough - to do anything else would be officious and self-righteous. This event is not about you so back off.

[BadLad]

Those parties are totally vile and should be banned by law IMHO.

Seriously? Having a party like this should be a crime?

[Marylou62]

Could you just watch her reaction when she walks in and is confronted with her 'surprize'? If it looks like she's up for it, relax...but if she looks horrified I'd keep an eye out for the stripper and tell him that it might be best if he doesn't include her in his act? Point out your DM and Aunty for the penis waving!!

[notenoughwine]

Thanks for the responses. I think there is some good advice in there about guaging her reaction when she sees her surprise and maybe taking it from there.

My DH also suggested going round to see her tonight and talking about things without telling her anything to see how she really feels about it. But I'm not sure I'd be able to do that without being too obvious and giving the surprise away.

[EatShitDezza]

The people who are saying 'oh tell her because I would hate that and I'd walk out' need to realise it's not a party for them.

Just because you don't like it doesn't mean other people don't.

It sounds like they know her better and for all you know she has mentioned how she wants to see a stripper or play with dildos and get pissed.

[EddieStobbart]

When my aunt reached 92 she mentioned to me the swinging arrangement that had developed between her and her DH and friends of theirs. She did have a bit of a wicked sense of humour but I thought that side of her stopped at thinking fart jokes were funny. I'd leave it, OP.

[EddieStobbart]

Though for your own sake I'd be taking SirChenjin's advice!

[addictedtobass]

I'd wait to see her reaction tbh. You could always go around their with 'Magic Mike' and see if she's at all interested. If she shows disgust, you have one answer.

[PurpleWithRed]

Grit your teeth, say nothing, polish up your 'told you so' expression in case you need it, take plenty of booze. You're in a win win situation - if she loves it you didn't spoil it for her, if she hates it you predicted as much and can go all judgy on your mum and aunt.

I'm in the 'worst possible nightmare' camp.

[Pagwatch]

I think it's all very well to speculate about the reaction of the 'birthday girl' but more important to me would be knowing what the judgement of those organising it is like.

Without being rude, it in an honest question, does your mother misjudge people and situations ?

My mother tends to the view that if she likes it then the recipient will.

Is your mother possibly keen to book such a party partly enjoy the idea that your aunt will be hugely uncomfortable because she assumes that she will see the funny side?