AIBU and a party pooper to "ruin" a surprise party?

[notenoughwine]

I think I may already know the answer to this, and I may come off like a humourless prude but here goes...

My mum, my aunt and a few of their friends are throwing a surprise party for their friend who is turning 60 on Friday. They've know her their whole lives, and she was like an aunt to me when I was growing up.

I've known about and been invited to the party for weeks now but last night I was very surprised to find out that it was going to be an Ann summers night and that they had booked a male stripper. I'm definitely not a prude and I've seen male strippers before, but I really don't think that this is the kind of party she would want. She's never been married and as long as I've been alive she's never had any boyfriend that I know of. She is very quiet and shy, a really lovely woman.

When I raised these concerns to my mum and aunt they kind of laughed it off and told me I was being silly. They obviously know her better than me but I just don't think that this is want she would want. Also given the fact that the strippers I've seen in the past tend to pick on the birthday girl or the hen I'm kind of worried about how she would react to that.

I'm a bit conflicted, do I tell her about it and ruin the surprise (and maybe the party)? Do I gently try to feel her out to see what her feelings are? Do I let it go ahead as planned and maybe gave a word with the guy not to embarrass her?

Please help.

[SirChenjin]

Me neither. Fun for me is not giggling over vibrators with my friends and family, or watching a complete stranger get his todger out - I'd be reaching for the brain bleach forever more and would be gutted if my family had organised this for my birthday.

Fortunately for Ann Summers and the stripping industry not everyone thinks like me though

[diddl]

Oh that's good then.

Well I'm opposed to it for me.

I wouldn't like it to happen to me & tbh I'd hope that someone would warn me so that I wouldn't have to choose between walking out/grin & bear it.

Likewise I probably wouldn't want to go to something like this at all, & def not with my mum/aunt.

Glad it went ok for your mum's friend, though.

[notenoughwine]

When I say "took it in stride" diddl what I meant was she didn't have the reaction I feared she would have. She seemed quite relaxed and I think she genuinely enjoyed herself and wasn't just going along with it for anyone elses sake.

I've got to say though I had no idea people were so vehemently against this type of thing, this thread has really opened my eyes. I agree that it's a bit "tacky" but surely that's all part of the fun. I certainly don't see anything "sexist" about it though.

[LineRunner]

I wonder if over the next few weeks the friend will admit to feeling obliged to 'get into the spirit of it'?

[daisychain01]

Indeed SirChenjin, it worked out OK in the end, then again people who ran those kinds of Psychology studies in the past minimised the effects of embarrassment and shame. We know a lot more now Unfortunately those lessons aren't always known widely and applied in RL.

Glad you had a good evening OP, you did well to look out for your friend!

[daisychain01]

SGB being an anti ageist myself I agree with you that it isn't about the fact the friend is 60 but I find Ann a Summers akin to Page 3! Both equally vile and not "fun". Equally the Chippendales were just as ghastly and shallow.

[SirChenjin]

Fwiw - I completely agree with your thoughts on the whole event, but fortunately it worked out OK - either that or the Aunt put on a very brave face!

[daisychain01]

Thanks SirChenjin a bit behind the curve aren't I!

[daisychain01]

Looks like I missed the update but my thoughts still apply!

[SirChenjin]

daisy - the party has already taken place

[daisychain01]

Having studied the ethics of psychology, this surprise goes against everything that is decent, and your DM and aunt thinking they have a right to do what they want is even more disturbing.

It goes against the friend's right to consent to this Ann Summers "joke" (bloody hideous sexist crap), and to not be submitted to feelings of embarrassment and shame, the ability to walk away without having to explain. She will be pushed into a corner and unable to have a get-out. And likely will feel obliged to get into the spirit of it. Maybe she will never admit to it, but the risk is there.

I would tell her and both of you head out that night for a nice meal, leave the rest of them to it.

[MorelliOrRanger]

I would tell my mother that I thought it such a crap idea that I wouldn't be going

This.

[SirChenjin]

I see some of you are still determined to make spurious accusations.

[SolidGoldBrass]

I see some of you are still determined to look for reasons to spoil other people's fun.

[SirChenjin]

Diddl - me too . What else can you do in a situation like this (if it's your idea of hell) other than fix a wide grin on your face and tell the organisers you've had a wonderful time?

[diddl]

What a relief!

You put "she took it in her stride"

So does that mean she put up with it & went along for fear of spoiling it for others/being told she was no fun?

Or did she really enjoy herself?

I would have hated it, but not sure if I would have had the bottle to walk out.

[Milmingebag]

On every level it's inappropriate. I mean who has a party with their Mum and other relatives with dildos and strippers?

It's just vile.

If your aunt is into this surely the facade she has kept up for years with you will mean she will be inhibited if you are there?

Personally I would make my excuses and not attend the tack-fest. It's a weird idea and sounds like a self-gift for the organisers.

[susiedaisy]

I'm glad she enjoyed it op.

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

Glad she enjoyed it. You did say your mum is usually a good judge of these sorts of things so I guess she knows her friend really well.

[SirChenjin]

That's great it went well

[notenoughwine]

Thanks YouAreBoring remind me never to arrange one for you.

Thanks Delphine31 I learned from the thread just how much a lot of people would hate it.

[YouAreBoring]

Glad it went well and that she enjoyed her party.


Id have hated it

[Delphine31]

What a relief to hear it all went ok.

I've only just read the thread and wondered as I was reading whether you would have updated.

For what it's worth, I would feel extremely apprehensive knowing that this sort of surprise party was on the cards for any of my friends (whatever age/situation).

If someone organised this for me I would find it excruciatingly embarrassing.

But I have learned from this thread that not everyone feels the same about it!

[notenoughwine]

I'll pretend i believe that's what you said LineRunner LOL.

Well it wasn't very gruesome at all as far as these things go. Lots of giggling and naughty jokes...and a nudey fella obviously.

[LineRunner]

I told you it would all be fine.

Really, between us, just how gruesome was it?