Family staying and due date - what's 'normal'?

[lucycoco]

Now, I realise it's up to each individual to work out what's best for their family and circumstances, but.... I'm after some general perceptions of 'normal'!

I live abroad (Europe - couple of hours flight), I'm expecting my first baby next year and was assuming that close family (like my DM, and my DP's closest relatives) would come out to visit as soon as they can, once the baby's born.

However, noises have been made about it being more normal for some family to be staying for the birth - not in the delivery room (!) but staying with us at the time. My DM hasn't said as much directly (she wouldn't) but I'd hate for her to be upset if IABU in my assumptions about this. She is extremely sensitive about our relationship because I've chosen to live abroad, and this will be her first grandchild, which I really want her to enjoy!

It's partly for practical reasons - I don't know when PFB will arrive so it could mean having people staying with us for weeks, assuming they'll want to stay to get to know the baby once it arrives! We work from home and I already anticipate this being a stressful and tough time, potentially made harder if we have people (albeit much loved family) staying with us in the flat.

Just to add, family would stay with us - I wouldn't want to suggest they stay nearby.

So, I'd be so grateful for people's own experiences, and ideas of what is reasonable / unreasonable / normal!

I would be happy for my mum and dad to be here, because they would cook and clean and look after us. My inlaws...not so much. They're lovely and very helpful but they also don't know when to back off.

I'd just ask them to think about booking flights after the baby is here so that they will get to spend time with PFB grandchild, rather than the baby potentially turning up on their last day.

Two weeks after due date is too soon. what if baby is late? You don't know what kind of birth you will have........Does DP have time off? I would ask them to come and stay once he has gone back to work.

Also, I would definitely not have them staying in your home. You have been warned

best of luck with the birth and those wonderful first days

It totaly depends on your relationship and what you want. Personally I would want my mum there and had her at hospital with me when I had dd and Mil came down the day baby was born. It's different obviously because your abroad my dad lives abroad and spend three weeks here around my due date to hopfuly meet the baby however she was almost 3 weeks late by the time they got her out, so he missed it completely and didn't meet her for months.
You really have to put yourself (and baby, dp) first don't worry about other people's feelings. Good luck

Thanks all for your good wishes. I'm nervous at all the warnings but Mum is the sort to be very happy staying around the home, not minding me and the house looking a state, happy to make me plentiful sandwiches and tea if I need them!

I am hugely reassured at the general consensus that parents visiting after the baby has arrived is a normal way to plan for it.

OP, it sounds like your mum would be a help not a hindrance, which is good, so you'll probably be fine.

But for other people, it will definitely depend on your relationship, and also your personal preferences as to whether it would be the right thing to do. I coped with visitors, but would never have coped in having people stay.

My family lives close by, and here in the US it's customary to stay a day or two in the hospital after you give birth so they can monitor you.

They were there on the day I gave birth. Bought me take out from a nearby restaurant so I didn't have to have hospital food. I had a bunch of visitors in the hospital. But once I got home, I was left alone until I invited people over.

After being cooped up for 3 days at the hospital, I wanted to get out, so we had my parents watch the baby at 5 days old so we could get baby supplies we didn't realize we needed until we had the baby. They cleaned the house, finished setting up the baby room (we had DD early), and fixed dinner while we were out. Then after we ate, they left and we didn't see them again for a few weeks.

In any case, I had the luxury of family close by so I could just say when they were invited over, I didn't have a plan ticket to work around. You do and trust me when I say this, you will NOT want to be entertaining guests while you are still tired, hormonal, and healing.

Even if they are legitimately helpful by cooking meals, changing diapers, etc... you still will want your space to adjust and bond with your new baby. You may not feel up to sharing him. Your guests will feel like they should get first priority for cuddles, since they are not there all the time like you. PND is a serious concern for mothers, and being in a situation where you feel out of control (ie: everyone taking your baby), can trigger it or make it worse.

So honestly, I'd recommend having them wait a few weeks when you'll be relaxed and happy. I enjoyed company and sharing my baby so much more after I had healed and felt like I had a good handle on things. Everyone will have a much more enjoyable time.

All our family are close by and it is indeed a luxury and means they can piss off home afterwards

BUT that isn't the OP's situation. It looks as though she has family members wanting to come out and stay for an extended period of time which could end up being intrusive and claustrophobic - it's something I would never agree to.

Depends on your relationship. My mother and DH were with me in the labour ward when DD was born - and I loved having both of them there especially as was a long labour - I missed her second time round when she was looking after DD while DS was born, but then again we were only at the hospital for a couple of hours before he came.

She lived fairly locally, but was great at popping in, doing the washing up, cooking for me, but also giving DH and me space.

My FIL and MIL were also great - they came down to the hospital the day by DD was born but didn't stay - drove back up to where they're from that same day (2+ hours drive each way).

Not normal to have family staying for the actual birth. The normal thing is for family to visit after the baby has been botm

Sorry I meant has been born and don't take any notice of the emotion. I"m on my phone and pressed it by accident

My pfb was 3 weeks old when my parents came to visit for a week. DH had just gone back to work, they were as much help as a chocolate teapot [well meaning but v little help] and I was v v glad that they hadn't been around for the first two weeks after I got home.

EMCS so most of the first week spend in hospital.
DD was a terrible feeder so spent a lot of time sitting in bed doing skin to skin when visitors were around. Doing it on the sofa not really an option for me.

I also live a flight away from my parents but London to Dublin so there must be 50 flights a day. If anything serious had happened they could have been here very quickly.

I would simply manage everyone's expectations and try to keep them equal. Many problems seem to start on MN because the maternal grandmother has more initial access than the paternal one.

I think theres a generational differece here. Remember in their day there was no paternity leave, so you really did need someone to come and stay. Does dp get any paternity leave? Just let them know when the baby comes when dps paternity leave will end.