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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to call emergency services and ask them to break into my brother's house?

60 replies

shockthemonkey · 26/11/2014 11:50

Hello, I have name-changed to protect my brother's identity.

My brother is a severe alcoholic who has holed himself up in his flat to drink himself into oblivion.

None of his family can reach him because we all live abroad. But we know he is drinking and now he has stopped answering his phone. His doctor warned us a few years ago that he would not live much longer if he continued drinking... and since our father recently died we have all had the strong feeling that our brother has given up on life.

If we call emergency services and explain the situation, would they be able to break in and get him? We have no contacts in the locality, never mind anyone in the building we can talk to. We just have his address and his mobile number (which just goes straight to voicemail).

What's the best course of action? He is in London. Thanks so much if you can advise

OP posts:
RyanAirVeteran · 26/11/2014 16:00

How worrying.

wheresthelight · 26/11/2014 16:27

yes they will if he's deemed to be a danger to himself

trulybadlydeeply · 26/11/2014 16:30

It is likely that the force will also have a FB page, you could pm them? Our county's page is very active and they seems to respond to public posts fairly quickly, so they may well act upon a pm. Worth trying all options really.

trulybadlydeeply · 26/11/2014 16:31

Sorry, have assumed you are on FB. if you're not, a friend o other family member may be able to make the contact?

Bumpedbonce · 26/11/2014 18:28

You can report it to your local force who will be able to pass it over to the area your brother is living in. I hope you get some news soon

Original poster
shockthemonkey · 26/11/2014 18:28

Thanks so much, everyone.

My brother did live with us for a few months, but he left because he wanted to continue his habit and he knew it would not go down well if he started drinking heavily in our house. That was a few years ago and since then he has avoided staying with any of his siblings because he cannot drink while he's with us.

When he leaves, he tries to put as much distance between us as possible... I think to avoid situations where we come to check up on him etc.

Anyway I have not heard back from the police/social services so don't know what to think now. Have they even tried to visit? I will have to call them in the morning.

Some very sad stories upthread. A catalogue of small-scale tragedies, I am sorry to anyone who has had similar and thank you all for your supportive comments.

OP posts:
AllOutOfNaiceHam · 26/11/2014 18:38

How very worrying for you Flowers

PurplePidjin · 26/11/2014 18:56

Do you have a friend or relative in the UK who could call 999 for you if they had all the details?

raltheraffe · 26/11/2014 19:15

shock,

What a horribly sad story.
Both DH and I are recovering alcoholics.
My mum was an alcoholic and died last year.
There is lots of help out there for people who want to stop drinking. The problem is when people do not want to quit, because all the help in the world cannot work if you want to keep drinking.
DH attends AA 3 x a week and it really helps him with his sobriety. I have been to a few meetings but it did not really help me so I stopped going, but am still 4 years sober.
There is also alanon which is a support group for relatives of alcoholics and some AA meetings permit relatives to attend (but you need to check upfront).
There is also free alcohol and drug counselling which people can access.
If he has been boozing for a while he cannot just stop, that is dangerous. He would need librium which GPs give out on a reducing dose schedule. If he is not capable of OP detox he may need admission to a rehab but this is easier said than done, waiting lists on the NHS for inpatient detox are ludicrous.
I think getting a welfare check done by the police is a great idea.
I know this sounds cruel but my advice would be to back off and let him hit rock bottom. I supported my mum for 10 years and gave up in the end. She died 6 months later.

spidey66 · 26/11/2014 20:29

I work in a mental health team. We have, on occasion, asked the police to do welfare checks on patients who don't attend appointments, don't answer the door to us, and who we're concerned for. Your brother would be the sort of person we check on.

The lady who runs our corner shop asked the police to do a welfare check on a customer who normally came in a couple of times a day but she hadn't seen for a week. The police were called and they broke in but she'd died. :(

Original poster
shockthemonkey · 27/11/2014 07:43

Oh God, thank you again. Such great advice and support.

We have no news so have tried calling police and social services again, and have emailed again to the police. Waiting for an update.

We have cousins in the UK but you could hardly be further away whilst still in the same country... they could call 999 for us actually, and they are standing by waiting for instructions but we do feel as if we have got the police and SS on the case and the wheels are in (slow) motion. Would it be overkill to also go the 999 route, perhaps even confuse efforts and annoy the professionals already trying to help us?

We have done Al Anon and also, I have gone with my brother to a couple of AA meetings and all of this is helpful to a point, but as a few of you have pointed out, if he doesn't want help... we have learnt, over the years, that there is nothing we can do. Al Anon even told us just yesterday, that if our brother didn't want help, then we may just have to wait until a neighbour noticed a horrible smell.

We had once imagined that we had so much love for him as sisters, and so much resourcefulness between us, that we would somehow be the exception to the rule but now we see we are just ordinary sisters of an ordinary alcoholic and it's all down to him.

I cannot thank you enough for sharing your stories with me, it does help. Some harrowing and some uplifting, I do feel in very good company here.

Huge congratulations to anyone who has managed to drag themselves up from the deepest pits of alcoholism because I can see from here, observing my brother, how incredibly hard that is to do.

OP posts:
londonrach · 27/11/2014 08:01

Ring the police. They can break in if worried. We didnt see our elderly neighbour for a few days, he didnt answer the door or the phone so it was reported. Police arrived knocked on the neighbours doors. No one seen him for one week and he moved his blind club he attended. Hid whilst they broke him hoping for the best. Police reported when they broke in note on table from ambulance service saying they taking him into hospital x many days ago. We all apologies to the police for wasting their time. Police told us they much prefer breaking in and finding out somebody is ok than not. A police lady stood by our neighbours door for one hour until the door was fixed. Please ring the police op and i hope your brother is ok.

londonrach · 27/11/2014 08:02

Missed not moved

Nicknacky · 27/11/2014 08:03

If you have relatives in the UK then they could contact 101 on your behalf. Do you have a reference number? Although even if you don't they can still check the systems based on your brothers address.

I hope he is okay.

Dawndonnaagain · 27/11/2014 08:20

I hope things are sorted and okay for you.

BOFster · 27/11/2014 08:23

You sound like such a lovely sister to have- I'm so sorry you are going through all this Flowers

EElisavetaofBelsornia · 27/11/2014 08:26

Wishing you the best OP. I had to do this with my sister a couple of years ago and she reacted with a lot of anger towards me. However it was a step towards getting help, and when she was sober knew it meant I cared. It's awful seeing someone you love destroy themself with alcohol, I have found Al Anon brilliant. Flowers for you.

HellKitty · 27/11/2014 08:36

I agree with the other poster, it might be easier for a friend in the UK to call them for you.

QOD · 27/11/2014 08:45

Fingers crossed op

ssd · 27/11/2014 09:04

Thanks for you op

FannyFifer · 27/11/2014 10:05

Hope someone manages to make contact with him for you.

Seriouslyffs · 27/11/2014 10:14

OP you need someone in the country onto this. If you don't have anyone local PM me and I'll at least try and find some contact numbers or even make the call myself. I've done it several times in a work capacity when vulnerable clients weren't answering the phone.

Original poster
shockthemonkey · 27/11/2014 11:03

Thanks so much Seriously. I will bear that in mind but the update just now is that my cousin in Yorkshire has just heard from him. An incomplete text that explained that he was finding it hard to cope with our father's death.

So we know that as of this morning he was still alive. I really appreciate your offer, Seriously, and will keep it in my back pocket if you don't mind.

He really wants to die, is the problem. He won't do anything violent, he has reassured us before, but he has stopped wanting to live a long time ago.

I tend to think that not only is it pointless to try and stop him, but maybe unkind too??? If your beloved dog is suffering, you can do her the ultimate kindness, and yet my poor brother does not have this luxury. It is our selfish side that finds these things hard, but for him maybe it's the simplest of equations: "I love drinking, I hate life -- just leave me alone and let me get on with it."

Feeling resigned. It's been 8 yrs and he has had enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
shockthemonkey · 27/11/2014 11:09

PS Yorkshire cousin ready to call 999 for us if we get no joy from the local SS/police today, but this morning's text changes things a bit, no?

Cousin seems to agree we should wait a bit longer, hope for another contact, before sending in the heavies.

OP posts:
Seriouslyffs · 27/11/2014 11:47

Yes that's 'good' news. Poor him and poor you.
Flowers