To ask DH to socialise with this guy against his wishes?

[DealForTheKids]

A while ago, the DP of a good friend of mine slept with a prostitute. Not that there's ever a 'good' way to do that, but without going into too many details, the way he did it was particularly cruel. Of course, afterwards he was contrite to all hell, begged her forgiveness, etc.

I have been trying to support her in coming to terms with what happened without going on about what a shit he is and hoped she'd come to the conclusion to leave him, particularly as they don't live together and have no DC. She is young and has plenty of opportunities to meet someone lovely who respects her and their relationship (and women generally).

During this time she specifically asked me not to tell my DH. I know it's wrong that I went against her wishes but I needed his support too. I'm aware that this was a bad thing to do but I didn't think it would become an issue.

Unfortunately she's decided she wants to stay with him. I would love to say I never want to see the bloke again but I feel like that, if this is the decision she's made, I should respect it and not 'punish' her by applying my own feelings to the situation.

She has asked if we can go out to dinner, the 4 of us, and that I can treat this as a fresh start between them. DH really doesn't want to go or spend any time in the presence of her DP. Without the loyalty to my friend that I have, he's said he will find it very hard to spend any time with someone who has behaved in this way. He's said that if I really want him to, he'll do it, but I know it's unreasonable of me to ask him to be in a situation he feels uncomfortable with.

I don't really know what to do. If she does stay with him I can't keep avoiding dates/saying DH is busy, and equally I don't think it's fair to her after all she's been through to make her feel like she can't have dinner with her friends. Equally I don't want to ask DP to spend time with someone when, if the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn't want to either.

I'm guessing I have to tell her that he knows and take the flak for that, but how can I manage this situation without hurting her further or asking DH to compromise his relatively admirable morals.

No, you shouldn't pressurise your DH to socialise with someone who has used another human being as an object. The man is an abuser. Your DH has good instincts.

I don't think it's as straightforward as everyone else. Her DP is not a nice person (to put it mildly) and he'll probably prefer to isolate her from her friends. Any big stands against him, play right into his hands and make your friend more vulnerable to his bullshit.

I'd be worried about your friend tbh. If she's already mentioned the meal to her 'DP' then she'll need to tell him why it's all fallen apart, and I'm guessing he won't take kindly to the fact she has told everyone what he did.

I'd be honest with her about why you're cancelling, offer to meet up just the two of you without partners, and allow her to tell her DP that your DH had other commitments. I think that would be the safest way for her to approach it. It doesn't put her at unnecessary risk; it lets her see that you support her; and makes a clear stance about her DP's behaviour.

You have to be prepared that the fall-out might be that she doesn't confide in you if anything else happens because she feels you've judged her.

So, I'm firmly on the fence, because I can see why you and your DH would want to make a stance but I think, if I was your friend, I'd need support not judgement.

Thanks all. Particularly thank you to those who have pointed out that my attempts to support may well be veering into a reinforcement of her 'acceptance'. I'm aware that both my personal and 'academic' feelings (for want of a better word) on paying for sex are extremely strict, so I was concerned that I didn't want her to go 'well I feel differently' and clam up.

Going forward I think I need to be clearer, and a starting point would certainly be pointing out that her choice to stay with him doesn't mean I want to be around him or that I indeed want to put DH in a position where he is socialising with someone whom I know he wouldn't wish to (and thanks for the comments above - I am indeed very proud of him for standing his ground even whilst I muddy the waters with my 'support' for her). For the record, I've not seen the guy since this all came out.

FuckYouChris - that's perfect. I might actually have to steal some of that wording, thank you

APlaceInWinter - that's exactly the position I've had up until now. It's not so much that I'm concerned about him turning on her exactly (at the moment I understand he is on utterly best behaviour - flowers, 'I love you' messages, etc) but I certainly don't want her to feel like it's the two of them against the world and inadvertantly cut her off from a support chain. I'm quite worried about her self-respect/esteem (I've never seen her express any kind of anger about the situation) and the one thing I definitely don't want to reinforce is any suggestion that this is what she deserves or it's 'as good as she can get'.

I'd have told my dh.

If you don't want a fresh start with the bloke yourself, then you need to tell your friend that you are uncomfortable about spending time with him. You would be happy to go to dinner with her, but not with him, sorry.

In fact, a similar thing happened with a woman who had been a friend of mine. Her dh used to beat her up regularly and so on. Eventually he hospitalised her, police were involved and he was kicked out of the family home. All was well for some months after friend was discharged from hospital, and then one day she came to pick up her dd from here, with the bastard in the car with her - they were reconciled and he was back home with them. Dh and I would nod to him when he was with her - if we didn't at least acknowledge his presence, she paid for it later - but wouldn't/couldn't do more. In the end, we were dropped by him her

With both you and your dh not wanting to have much to do with the guy, what sort of an evening is it going to be anyway. Sounds like it would very awkward and horrid and a complete waste of time for everyone.

I have a similar dilemma with a friend whose DW has treated her appallingly in a number of ways over the last few years. DH and I both realised that at least for the time being we had no desire to spend time with this woman at all, even though my friend has forgiven her and they are still together. I'm happy to see her alone for lunch/drinks whatever, but friendly happy couple-y meetups? Not up for it, sorry.

OP, I think you should tell her the truth and tell her you'd like to keep meeting up singly but you just don't feel comfortable giving this man the time of day; that she may have accepted and forgiven but you can't condone his behaviour and don't want to see him. Keep your DH and his views out of this altogether, tell her how you feel about him and let her decide what she wants to do.

Why would you do that? It's not compulsory for friends partners to become friends too; your dh feels uncomfortable with it... Why would what she wants trump what he wants?

I would simply say to her that you can't yet face sitting down with this man pretending all is hunky dory. She's made her choice to keep seeing him, you prefer not to cross paths with him for now.

Is a new social life meant to be some form of social acceptance or rehabilitation I wonder. Does she think he'll learn not to pay other women for sex by socialising with established secure couples? She might be right and this is a fresh start. Otoh he is bound to guess she has confided in you and a cosy meal out with you and DH will just say to him no worries, water under the bridge, even her pal thinks it's not a big deal.

You could tell her DH now knows because you and he are absolutely honest with each other. He doesn't trust himself not to be annoyed on her behalf and won't fake friendliness. That might underline to her how it's not just a close female friend who finds that sort of betrayal repugnant.