to think I shouldn't have to be grateful to my husband

[newrecruit]

I have a work event this week in the evening (6 until 8).

My husband is quite far away that day so I will need to find someone to cover the first bit as he can't guarantee he will be back in time.

However, he's not happy as he will have had a long day and then be expected to get the children to bed (9 & 5) to bed and sort his dinner out. I gave some sarcastic reply.

He has a hobby which he does at 9, but I'll be back by then. However, apparently he'll be rushed.

He is not now speaking to me as I am not "grateful enough" that the has to put himself out in such a way.

Am I being unreasonable to
a) just laugh
b) shout
c) LTB

Oh, and he has 2 nights away on work jollies over the next 2 weeks. He did not ask my permission to go, nor has he expressed any gratitude or made arrangements about what I'm going to eat.

Of course his attitude to your work commitments is unacceptable but I don't think your references to "work jollies" and "asking permission" sound very helpful either.

YANBU.

Laugh and then give the explanation that you have put on here - i.e. including the arrangements for the days he is working late/away etc.

It does sound as though he is huffing and puffing and stropping to deter you from arranging anything that inconveniences him in future.

Like another poster, I never know if it is better to take a tough line with DPs to demonstrate that their contribution is a mere given and not an added extra to be praised, or to encourage the poor wee souls by heaping praise on them. However, your DP seems to be taking the biscuit here with his attitude.

On Sunday night my DP looked after the baby while DD (6) and I went out to see a ballet. DP had been working all weekend (really long hours- leaving before 7 on the Sunday although he gave me a lie in on the Sat til 8.30) but rushed back to be home for 5 ish so we could go. I didn't know whether to be annoyed that when we got home at 9.30 ish the baby was still awake having "napped" on DP at his usual bedtime and the kitchen was a mess, or to be nice to him as he had rushed back when this would mean him starting work extra early the next day. BUT he did have a good, jolly attitude to the whole thing which just about made me err on the side of kindness.

He does actually contribute a lot. He regularly does the shopping and the cooking, he reads to the kids at bedtime and helps with homework etc.

He has lots of good qualities. This is just something of a pressure point. He wants to be 'the breadwinner' but actually we need my earnings. He doesn't seem to want to admit this.

He does put himself first most of the time, and you are right Fish, I have let it get like this. We have had many discussions about this recently and I need to assert myself more and stop rearranging things. I probably also need to stop getting stroppy with him and just tell him what I need then ignore. Son1 gives me the same level of resistance to everything we ask him to do and I have pointed out that he has learnt that this is an acceptable response to something that I ask him to do.

I have spoken to him several times before that actually he undoes all the things he does do to be supportive, by being so bloody grumpy about it.

In reality, he has two options. He either does it cheerily, and willingly as part of being a father, at which point I am grateful, not for the act itself but for the very fact that I have a supportive husband. Or he does it unwillingly and stroppily, making us both bitter and resentful.

I'm exhausted by it all to be honest.

Aherdofmims, that's just the reaction I'm looking for. To be cheery about it.

He sounds a bit too pompous. Why should you not have your financial independence. The only person it suits like it is, is him. (even then he isn't even earning enough to be the 'big man'. Times have changed and you need to keep yourself working. These are cracks that may widen.

He sounds a delight.

Another example of a husband considering himself to be "babysitting" rather than actually doing his fatherly duties. What a plonker, you just do your thin hand let him have his paddy.

Option d, hand him a grip and tell him parenting isn't just the nice bits.

And ask him what he's arranged meal wise and child care wise when he's off on his jollies.

He sounds quite petulant and selfish.

He needs to grow up.

I think you need to use some 'tactical ignoring' here. Just like you would a whinging child. Every time you anwser/snap back because he is moaning, it just gives the situation energy/attention. If you ignore any comments, or just nod he will stop eventually. He is just trying his luck, you now need to 'teach' him that moaning/having a strop won't get what he wants all the time.

I'm really not sure what the issue is about 'sorting his own dinner out' is.......my DH would be fine with this as it would mean he could have a sneaky kebab .

Fuckin hell. Give him a pat on the head when you get in from work and thank him really patronisingly for looking after his own children. It's work, not something you've arranged to cause him an inconvenience.

"Well done chap, I'm absurdly grateful that you have put your own children to bed and made your own dinner, how about I express my gratitude by paying you the going rate for a CM, no of course not that would be silly wouldn't it because they are your children. Never mind ohhhh your sooooo wonderful" then snort at him and call him a dick head.