'he is my husband and my loyalty lies with him' - just wrote in text to dm. eeek.

[moshwuckler]

Sorry nc for this, but long time poster. My dm is quite ummm difficult. She is really really rude about dh- v disrespectful about his work, his temperament, his cleaning etc. Dh is mainly absolutely lovely to me. Am due in 2 weeks and he has totally taken over all the domestic responsibility humanly possible, working really hard totally over stretched. Dm on phone tonight drops continuous unpleasant comments about him. I flip and tell her to reign it in. She brings up a row they had over 3 years ago when dh lost it under severe provocation. I tell her to get over it, she behaved appallingly. I should add that dm has form for public arguments ending in police attending, numerous job difficulties because of repeated accusations of bullying, she's been arrested for racial abuse..... Lovely. I put up with what I can at a distance.
I really had enough this evening on th phone of the comments and after putting the phone down I sent a text saying I didbt want to row she must stop being so unpleasant about my husband for my sake. I added the bit 'he is my husband and my loyalty lies with him' to say basically- back off, you are not number one.

Is that unreasonable?

No sounds perfectly reasonable

It's unreasonable for you to have taken so long about it!
Your DH must be a saint.

But is it reasonable to be quite so clear cut to parents about where loyalties lie when married? Is it unusual?

I have told her before, and done all I can to protect him from her I promise

On the basis of what you've put in your op not at all UR. How do you think she'll take it?

I think you have probably been very restrained to be honest. It will give her something to mull over.

YANBU - it's more reasonable than I'd have been. I've been a lot happier since I cut off my poisonous bitch of a mother and the rest of my family by extension - I really can't recommend cutting out evil fucks enough.

Told her to be nice, not that he is my number one priority along with dc

Your mother is being a bitch to your husband - you absolutely should be 100% on his side. If my DH let a member if his family treat poorly, I would be seriously considering the marriage.

It sounds like that was very overdue

Well done. Not unreasonable at all. I think I agree with you, your loyalties lie with your husband. You are a unit and you need to support each other. She is trying to undermine your relationship. She sounds like a nightmare.

YANBU at all. Clear cut is exactly what's required to emancipate yourself.

As a mother of two grown men, I would never dream of slagging their partners off to them. Very quick way to ensure they don't call, visit, care... Your DM is a fool.

Red ex- I think she'll take it pretty badly- I get the impression that having control over me and her being number one priority of mine are deeply important.
Outta- I think about it I really do..

people do not normally need to tell their parents where their loyalty lies. most parents know thatnow a child is married they will need to consider their spouses needs too. most parents encourage this and do not make demands. they therefore get help when needed as they do not make unrealistic demands.

you are in the unfortunate position of needing to spell it out to your mother. Can not be easy. and no YANBU!

I never wanted to make an explicit choice.... I just wanted to roll along. But there comes a point, right?

Other parents are not like this towards their children are they

Its not unusual for your now immediate family (DH and DC) to be your priority; that's normal. That's how it should be.

I agree with Argy that she is being a fool, pushing you and her DGCs away with her behaviour.

It makes me sad because your right,she is being a fool. They don't want to be around her and I feel emotionally shat on, frankly

It's a terrible position that she's put you in, she has no one to blame but herself.

Thanks all. Perspective gained

But is it reasonable to be quite so clear cut to parents about where loyalties lie when married? Is it unusual?

Nope. Did the same to my DM when I met DH. They had a fight too.

She was basically trying to make me pick between her and DH. I made it clear I would not be picking her if she wanted to go through with this and make me choose. A few years later and we all get along.

But my mother wasn't the nightmare that yours sounds like.

Arrested for racism. Yikes.

Given the circumstance you were definitely NBU. As a pp has said, your mother is a fool since her behaviour will do nothing but distance you.