To feel betrayed by DH over this?

[Funkmouse]

Regular, name changed. I'm hoping you can all offer me some perspective here...

I'd asked DH to print some forms off for me at work last night because our printer was on the blink. I went through his work bag to find them this morning and happened to find a pouch of tobacco, lighter and rolling papers in there. My heart sank. I wasn't quite sure how to react or feel at that moment in time tbh.

DH knows how much I loathe smoking and exactly why I don't like it but worse than that, he knows how much I hate lying even more. We've always (or at least I thought so...) had a very open and honest marriage. I can say hand on heart I've never hidden anything from him and I thought he was the same. The smoking is a problem but it's not the main problem here, the biggest issue for me is that he's hidden it from me- that's why I feel so betrayed and let down. I feel stupid for not realising as well and a bit embarrassed that his colleagues all know something about him that I, his wife, didn't- like I was the last to find out sort of thing. I don't know! It's not a nice feeling though and now I'm concerned that if it was so easy for him to hide this from me what else could he have hidden over the years?

I confronted him about it and he said he started a few months ago because he was stressed at work and was using it as a coping mechanism . But that once this pouch is finished he'll quit and never have another. I don't believe him. My trust in him has lowered drastically...

Another thing is he's been really stroppy the past few months, very much on edge and gets angry at the most ridiculous things. I've been walking on eggshells around him, definitely not how I want to live. When I asked him what was up he always blamed work or the DC or even me! I now think it was withdrawal from the fags because he was unable to have them at home. It all makes sense now...

I'm struggling to just let it slide tbh. Like I say, the biggest problem isn't the smoking although I really do not like it, it's the fact he's lied to me and now I feel I can't trust him. So Aibu? Am I overreacting? Should I just let it go? I'll be grateful for a proverbial slap around the face right now to snap me out of it if that's what's necessary .

I think we all have secrets from each other. We don't want to hurt and upset and disappoint people we care about and who we live with. It's not always clear when it's the right time to tell people something difficult.

For example I try not to communicate hostile thoughts, passing feelings of attraction to other men.

Perhaps the problem is that idealising another person - or trying to put people on some kind of lofty moral pedestal - makes it a lot harder to have real conversations.

I've been amazed in the past by how many colleagues smoke at work but hide it from their wives/husbands. I can only presume they think it's not worth the hassle of being open about it because they'll get lots of grief for it.

Thing is, I wouldn't have given him lots of grief. I might understand it more if, say, he'd told me about something in the past and I'd flown off the handle about it so he was worried I'd do the same again. Or if I was a bit of a bitch in general that whinged at him constantly, I don't know! But that's not what I'm like at all... I let quite a lot of things slide where I think I probably shouldn't, that's why really I was wondering if I should let this thing go as well. It's probably the cherry on the cake if anything, it's been a tough couple of years for us. I don't blame him for doing it (although I wish he'd opted for the safer e-cig) I just wish he'd been more honest with me about it. That's what's hurt/irritated me, not the fact it's smoking (as much as I do dislike smoking and there are other implications like the life insurance thing...), just the fact he felt he had to hide it from me and also the fact he easily has hidden it!

Maybe I'm just over analysing and worrying too much, my brain is just now thinking it's possible he's been hiding more sinister things or certainly would be capable of it because I truly was none the wiser! It's a lightbulb moment though, a heck of a lot more things make sense now.

How about the cost implications?

Did you smoke previously? Because I cannot imagine not being able to smell it on him, and on his clothes. Does he do the laundry?

I have to say it would be a deal breaker for me, but then I wouldn't have been able to go out with a smoker, let alone marry one.

This won't be the first time in his life he's smoked if you found rolling tobacco.

He probably didn't tell you because he's deeply embarrassed at having started again and because the fewer people who know the less 'real' the problem is to him. He was probably hoping he'd be able to quit again before you found out (been there, done that).

If he does want to give ecigs a try, don't get one of those little ones that look like cigarettes - they're crap and work out very expensive. If you have a local vape shop they're very good for advice, otherwise I can personally recommend the MN stop smoking section.

Good luck!