To think this is just too much drama?

[Allisgood1]

Long story but will try and keep this brief.
Have a school Mum friend. Her Dd is friends with my dd and one other friends dd. It's the three of them at school. They are young (primary school).
Friend has an older child who has issues with other children. Child has no friends at all. Friend has recently been distraught about this and is now convinced there is a "conspiracy" to have her dc kicked out of school started by a group of mums. Will add this has also been a problem in previous schools for this dc.

Out of the blue in July friend approached me and other Mum (during a birthday party) and said our dc were being mean to her dd. We thought she meant right then so we talked to our dc. They insisted nothing had just happened.

About a month ago we both had a text from friend saying her dd had been coming home sad as our dc were leaving her dd out at school. We both spoke to our DC.

A couple weeks ago we both again had a text saying our DC were being mean to her dd, including: running away from her, turning away when she stands next to them, and openly discussing how annoying she is. We again spoke to our DC who said they run away if they are playing a game and sometimes she doesn't want to play their game so goes off and plays with someone else. Both DC insist they didn't call her annoying (they are 5, so not even sure this word is in their vocabulary!).

On the back of that text both the other Mum and I spoke to friend separately (rather than in text). We both explained we didn't feel there was anything nasty going on, and having spoken to the teacher, she agreed. We offered to do play dates regularly with all three.

Had first play date last week. Everything was fine until friend turned up. Her dd immediately said "she wouldn't hold my hand" (they had been playing SO WELL!?!). Yesterday friend text my DH (he had texted her to ask if get dd wanted to come round) and she replied saying her dd had said she didn't want anymore play dates as "she gets left out".

It's all just getting too much now and I don't know what to do. AIBU to be fed up of all this 5 year old playground drama? What do I do?

Oh gosh yes I couldn't be arsed with all that drama. The mum sounds very hard work.

I'd encourage your DD to have other friendships, personally....

Her dd is lovely though most of the time and is best best friends with dd.

The mum will probably fall out with you at some point over some minor disagreement between the girls. I had this with the mum of a girl my DD was friends with. People like that think the whole world revolves around them and that everyone should walk on eggshells around their little darlings.

She sounds very sensitive- the little girl I mean. However, her mother is pandering to her and you to tell her gently that she needs to get her daughter to toughen up a little. Don't think theres any need to fall out unless it carries on.

The thing is that it has carried on, we've had texts or been spoken to 4 times since July. Dh was rather blunt with her but I still don't think she gets it. Sad.

Does her dd get more attention from mum if mum thinks she's being left out?

If so, she's going to do it. Kids at that age don't have any understanding of second order consequences (like other dcs being quizzed on their behaviour) - they're purely focused on the immediate result (i.e. getting mum's attention).

I would just back off from the Mum, really, not offer any more play dates and leave the children to get on with it at school. It sounds like it's an issue between the mother and her children and they are using school friendships as a battleground, so the best thing to do is steer well clear. If the girls get on at school they'll continue to play happily in the playground, no mums involved.

Bright breezy and back off from further play dates....

Encourage widening of dd friendship group.

Didn't read about the best friends bit....

The mum just sounds a bit ott

I suspect she gets a hell of a lot of attention from Mum. Her other DC probably does too and she probably picks up on it and copies (I suspect).

I think you're right and I need to back off and stop having play dates. Shame really.

Is this a sort of variation of Munchaussen's by proxy? Obviously nothing to do with illness, but the mother seems to me to be imposing her thoughts onto her child? As with the older child?

OK, just read that back and I'm clear as mud.

What I mean is, if this mother keeps drip-drip-dripping into her daughters' ears that their friends are mean, leaving them out etc - aren't the children going to either start believing that it's true, or agreeing with their mother because she won't stop until they say they agree ?

YANBU to not like this manufactured drama. But what to do? There are two little girls potentially being well and truly fucked up by their mother IMO. I really don't know what I'd do in your shoes. Maybe start by talking to the teacher, explaining the problem, asking the school what would be best? Maybe they would have experience of this sort of thing?

It sounds as thought the daughter has picked up on the fact that her mother has a bit of a persecution complex, and is playing on that (whether deliberately, or because she feels she gets more attention when she complains that she is being left out). If the older child has similar issues the it seems like the mother is the common factor and is drumming up this level of drama around her daughters to fulfil some need in herself to be at the centre of some excitement.
It is a shame, but if you feel as though you could, would it be possible to have a play date where the mum stays and can actually see the girls playing together nicely? Whether she is over-sensitive because of her older daughters problems or is causing the issues by her own sensitivity, perhaps if she was reassured that her daughter was not, in fact, being left out or bullied she might back off a bit.

Great minds WhereYouLeftIt - glad I'm not the only on in my diagnosing armchair tonight!

I would be inclined to have little/no contact outside school. I would be unhappy of the parent got in touch about a school matter aa sthe issue is at school and she or you do not know context, I do no think I would enter into discussion with her over the issues.

As you have been kind already, try to be kind again and try the simple approach one more time - play date with mum there all the time, but perhaps try to distract mum a bit so children esp her dd don't feel they are being watched and have to perform

I work as a play therapist in a school and see a LOT of this behaviour, mostly from girls I have to say. It's usually because the Mums fuel the drama by picking DDs up from school at the end of the day and the FIRST thing they'll say is "Was X mean to you today?". The child nearly always says "Yes" with a sad, downcast face as they know this is going to get Mum's undivided 100% attention for the rest of the day. Mum texts "nasty" friend's Mum and sets off a chain of resentment and unpleasantness that is in itself a self fulfilling prophecy.

Had a parent in last week in full blown Lioness Mode as the nonsense between her and another Mum (they were both as bad as each other, the children AND the mothers) had spilled over into a Facebook war. Upshot one child was removed from the school by parent, never to return.

People like this have far too much time on their hands and are doing their poor DCs no favours at all. Distance yourself from the Mum and allow the kids to find their own way with each other.

I find that 3 girls sometimes find it hard to play together and one does get left out. A lot of girls like to play in pairs. Have you tried having the girl over by herself and not with the other girl?

Helicopter Mum is an odd breed. She'll get your mobile number and the slightest tiniest spat at school will result in a frothy text exchange and possible passive aggressive Facebook rant. Bitter experience. Back off. Disengage. There's no other way to deal with people like this. It's a shame their kids have to suffer as a result (not allowed round here anymore ever) but I won't deal with these child women.

She's been over loads for play dates with just my dd and vice versa.

What makes things slightly more complicated is that I actually like the Mum when she isn't being like this, and it only just started. So it's easier said than done to disengage without a confrontation I think.

When she text, just say 'It's time we let the girls sort out their own issues, as they will no doubt be best friends again tomorrow'

Mum needs to learn to take her dd's words with a pinch of salt I think.

My dd and her best friend get a bit like this at times, especially when one or the other wants to play with some of the others.

Thankfully friend's mum is also a friend of mine and we've both learnt to stop the tattling swiftly, get the girls to hug and then they're all friends again! Friendships at this early age are very fickle anyway.

It sounds like the other mum has never really told either of her dd's not to tattle and perhaps that they shouldn't always expect someone to play with them if the other person doesn't want to. Whilst I'm all for encouraging my children to play nicely with each other, I also say if they don't want to spend time with another person, they just have to say so nicely. With dd it became suggesting she and her friend played together at the next break time if neither girl wanted to compromise on their game.