To still feel hurt and angry towards mum and sister

[Adizzylass2014]

I lost my day in Dec 2008 which broke my heart. on the days running up to his death I left my home in kent and stayed with my mum in the hospital in London leaving dp at home with 3 dc one of who has SN.
The doctor told me that dad didn't have long but dp was frantic as the children were missing me terribly.
so the Tuesday I decided to go home for the night and go back Wednesday evening. In the morning I got the phone all that dad didn't have long at all so I had friends rally round and get dc from various parts of town and bil came down to take us to London, dropped kids at mil and raced to the hospital knowing I was too late and I was and completely fell apart. That night at mums I overheard mum and sister botching about me saying I shouldn't have gone home, I was devastated at what they said and haven't been able to get past it. I was so torn, dad dying and family needing me.
AIBU to still be hurting even after all this time? I hate Xmas and have mum this year, I feel so bitter and don't know how to get past this it is still so raw and hurts so much. sorry I didn't intend this to be so long.

Adizzy your mother and sister are being extremely unkind to you, but before you deal with them you need to forgive yourself. You clearly really loved your dad, I'm sure he knew that, and it wasn't your fault you weren't there. If it's still upsetting you this much six years later you might find grief counselling helpful - and also maybe to talk through your illness - that sounds very stressful too though you don't say much about it. Can you talk to your GP?

Also your sister sounds like a lot of fun Have you always got on badly?

Thank you for your kind words, my sister and I were never very close we are chalk and cheese.
I loved my dad dearly and was always closer to him, whilst he was ill we had many long chats.
I think I'm just struggling with life itself, I have fibromyalgia, degenerative discs and various deficiencies.
last year I was very fit, going to the gym attending yoga and Zumba classes and even joined a running club, then I got a virus which has ravaged my body, i walk with a stick (if you can call it walking) and live my life pumped up on morphine everyday. I have no support from my extended family, my dp and dc are fantastic. so much so my daughter has won the exceptional young carer award for all she does for me. my bladder stops working sometimes and I have had to learn to self catheterise, all this in a year.
my poor dc 7 is a gem but struggles to understand I cannot do things I used to do, I hate this illness and it is ruining my life!

Thank you for your kind words, my sister and I were never very close we are chalk and cheese.
I loved my dad dearly and was always closer to him, whilst he was ill we had many long chats.
I think I'm just struggling with life itself, I have fibromyalgia, degenerative discs and various deficiencies.
last year I was very fit, going to the gym attending yoga and Zumba classes and even joined a running club, then I got a virus which has ravaged my body, i walk with a stick (if you can call it walking) and live my life pumped up on morphine everyday. I have no support from my extended family, my dp and dc are fantastic. so much so my daughter has won the exceptional young carer award for all she does for me. my bladder stops working sometimes and I have had to learn to self catheterise, all this in a year.
my poor dc 7 is a gem but struggles to understand I cannot do things I used to do, I hate this illness and it is ruining my life!

dizzy do you think that if they had not fallen out with you over this, they would have found some other reason to be cruel to you? Definitely look into bereavement counselling, it will help you in many ways.

My Dad died when I went out for a cigarette on what was in those days the hospital's smoking terrace! I came back and everyone was gathered around the bed, and no one had noticed he'd stopped breathing. I don't blame myself for it. However, in the counselling you will be asked to address how you feel about DH not coping with the children, leading to you going home for a while, and I think that will be a big help to you too.

You sound very brave, counselling will definitely help you get this clear in your head and maybe move on a bit. Good luck.

God, you poor thing - you are really having a hard time. Most people would be struggling with that even without family being unhelpful.

But! your immediate family sound great, especially your DCs - I bet your dad would be proud of them, and you too. I would concentrate on them for the minute and also on making sure you have the best possible treatment set up.

I suspect your mother and sister would still be treating you like this even if you had been there. The most charitable thing to say about them is that grief does make people behave oddly, but keeping it up for six years is beyond cruel. It's not a remotely proportionate response - the normal, loving thing would be to be worried about you and try to reassure you that having had to leave was ok, not to bitch about it. It sounds like your dad kept the family dynamic in check and once he was gone all hell broke loose - does that sound right?

Hey, I think you need to speak to your mum about this. I am sure she will be horrified to think you have carried this round for 8 years
They were speaking hours after their husband/father's death, I don't think you can take this as being their true thoughts on the matter.You wouldn't for a minute have considered going home if you had known.Hindsight is a wonderful thing

Im so sorry op, I would suggest counselling as well and talking to your mum. It sounds like you and your sis had issues anyway so for her to bitch about you isn't surprising- especially when she was feeling so devastated and stressed too. She probably resented being left alone with your mum and saw it as her having to support alone.

You.made a judgement call and thats all anyone can do. Your kids needed you and you hoped for more time. In their eyes your dp should have coped and got help leaving you with them. They probably were upset you couldn't join them there and while maybe annoyed I suspect your mum was more sad.

In reality you were torn in the worst possible way and while their feelings are understandable it's dreadfully unfair and sad for you to feel this way still now. I would not approach your sister at least not yet. See a counselor first to help put into words how you feel to your mum.

The only good thing to come from all this isyour extended family, that support is so lovely and amazing.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I think counselling is a good idea, it will help you sort out your feelings about this. You of course we're not to know that the worst would happen while you were away, and your husband and dc needed you. Many of us would have done the same thing.
Your post reminded me of when my sister died 4 years ago. She was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer and we all made arrangements to go to see her (she lived in Essex, most of us are in Scotland). So it was nearly a week after diagnosis that we could get there. The night we arrived the hospital called and said she was deteriorating so we should all go to the hospital. We stayed in shifts overnight and she died in the morning. In my head it was always like she waited until we were all close by (or she thought we were, my brother got stuck and didn't make it in time). But on the other hand, it was whilst her husband was at home trying to get some sleep (on my and my DHs advice, he was exhausted) that she passed away.
In a selfish way, I'm glad it wasn't on our shift that she died, I don't know how I'd have coped being there in the room. I know my sister who was there struggled.
Things will get easier, honestly they will, but you need to deal with these feelings.

I think your Dad decided to leave this world once he knew you were home with your kids and DP. He probably thought you'd get more comfort from your nuclear family and kids than with your sister?