Am i overreacting here or not?

[pissedoffcarer]

Ok, i work as a carer, i visit peoples homes and help them out etc

Today, visiting an old man i see on a regular basis, every time i go in he wants hugs, today he gave me a hug and when i moved away he said "ive just accidentally touched your breast, it was really nice"

I felt so fucking uncomfortable, i said "you cant say things like that" he said "why not, it was nice"

Called one of my seniors and told her what happened, apparently "he's just a lonely old man, just tell him his behaviour is inappropriate" oh and he has form for this behavior with other female carers.

I'm actually fuming and don't want to go back there bit havve to tomorrow.

Am i overreacting??

I work as a professional in the care sector. As a general rule hugging is not allowed and it would deemed unprofessional to do so. It is to protect yourself and them. What he said is inappropriate and it does sound like they are not dealing with it very efficiently. It needs to be communicated that it is unacceptable to speak like that and documented.

You should not have been giving hugs for exactly the reason that you have stated - it gives issues like this room to occur.

As a domiciliary manager I would advise, like your manager, that if it has been the first time that you should sternly remind him about inappropriate conduct. However, I do agree your manager should not be brushing it off - it is still unacceptable behaviour. Ask for confirmation that the care manager has been informed and request that her and/or your manager visit to remind him that this conduct will not be tolerated.

Keep a log of any further inappropriate behaviour, report in the record logs and continue to inform your manager (keep a record of this too). If there are further instances past this one, then kick up a fuss. I am not dismissing it but quite often a conversation from the manager nips these things in the bud.

I do not know what type of area you work in, but I would be wary that whilst he was certainly inappropriate, a social worker would almost definitely not agree to paying for a second carer on the base of this complaint, so if he lives in an area that is not in the vicinity of another run then if you refuse to go it may come down to you having to come off the run.

If it continues, escalates, or other care workers are experiencing the same then a formal meeting with him and the nok should be being arranged to discuss the possible repercussions (i.e. he will lose his care). In reality, he never would so if that doesn't happen he should then be moved to a double team .

On an aside long sleeves are usually prohibited by most care providers because of infection control policies (am pointing this out simply as it is my ultimate bugbear- seeing carers with their hands between legs and a sleeve dangling alongside )

And because aside from anything else it is a shitty thing to happen to you

Yanbu. Agree it was the comment that made it really inappropriate. Why not just say "oh, goodness, sorry. I didn't mean to do that" and then move on. I would feel uncomfortable about going back too.

No - it IS sexual assault.

He touched you inappropriately and sexually, then spoke inappropriately and sexually to you about it - making you feel uncomfortable.

I can understand why you would not necessarily see this as an 'assault' on yourself, and that's your right. But the reason why something like this IS deemed assault is partly to protect those who could and would be deeply affected by this AND would perhaps be less willing to defend themselves by speaking out. This kind of behaviour being named and shamed as assault instead of brushed off as 'harmless old man' gives, for example, that timid teenage work assistant or less confident migrant worker the knowledge that they don't have to accept being groped in the workplace - a knowledge that they would not have had twenty years ago.

So yes, complain, and label this behaviour as what it is - an assault that you as a worker have the RIGHT to be protected from. No grey areas. Not for you, or for the perhaps less confident, younger woman who might be drafted in to take your place. No tolerance.

This can't be an uncommon problem for care workers, as inappropriate sexual behaviour is a symptom of dementia, even if the OP's patient hasn't (yet) been diagnosed. We've asked the agency looking after my FIL to only send male carers because we are concerned about the comments he makes to the women. Unfortunately they don't employ enough men to make this possible and I can't see that his funding would be enough to allow for 2 people to go in. What else can be done? If 'told off' about it later he won't remember doing it & will deny it ever happened.

However, if you know someone has form for inappropriate behaviour then it's probably best to maintain a professional distance - if they ask for hugs you just say No.

I didn't actually know he had form for it until i complained. I went back there today and as soon as i walked in he asked for a hug, i told him no more hugs as it is inappropriate, he just smiled and asked how the weather was.

I'm fairly certain he has no form of dementia by the way, i work with a lot of people who have dementia or Alzheimers or who are in the process of being diagnosed, i don't recognise any of that in him.

Oh and we don't wear long sleeves either, like a PP said, infection control

He is not "a lonely old man": he is a perverted man that took advantage to touch you inappropriately and make you uncomfortable.
He knows exactly what he's doing ??

I don't doubt he'll do it again, too, unless he's stopped. Your manager should be protecting you, not making excuses that enable this dirty old man to carry on his vile ways.

I used to do home care and this was a real problem with some of the men.
I never hugged any service users, male or female, but my colleagues did if the service user initiated it.

One old man used to think up ways to get the young female staff to touch his penis (claiming it was sore or needed a better clean etc) he used to make inappropriate comments about looks, weight, clothes etc plus comments like "if I was 70 years younger....pwwarrrr"
He didn't have dementia, that was just his personality and in the end they just sent men to him, which he hated but he couldn't behave around women.

I agree you can't wear long sleeves due to infection control and on the other hand, why the hell should you change your uniform to stop unwanted sexual behaviour?
Complain, complain, complain!

You're not overreacting.

But I don't think you should be hugging him.