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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be sick of being caught in the middle of parents, dh and pil?

52 replies

Hurricaneinateacup · 22/11/2014 08:58

My parents do not like dh or my pil. It's fair. Some of the things dh has done have been pretty bad but I'm not in a position to do much about it at the moment. Pil were extremely overbearing when ds was born but have backed off now. But my parents don't like how they behaved and some of the things they've done since.

Ds (5) is in a christmas parade with his drama group in a couple of weeks. I asked my parents and my mum was really excited about it, saying we could make a day of it etc. then I told her I was asking pil too. Now she says she and my dad won't come. But how can I ask my parents and not dh's parents? For all their faults they love ds and they are his other set of grandparents. Ds will be pleased they are there.

My mum says she's really disappointed and how she was looking forward to it and she's being really off with me but what else was I supposed to do?! My mum says I shouldn't have told them but dh knows about it and ds would have told them anyway, he sees them every week. And it's not fair not to tell them, I've had my differences with them but as I said they are ds's grandparents too.

Argh. Now I feel guilty and fed up. The whole thing has been ruined for me too, will just have to look cheery for ds's sake.

Aibu to think just for an afternoon they should just put everything to one side for ds and it's not my fault that pil are coming.

OP posts:

Hoggle246 · 22/11/2014 11:02

God that sounds awful! Poor you, can't believe they did that - or that dh didn't put his foot down on your behalf!

That being said, although your mum sounds justified in not liking them, she's not justified in making your life more difficult by kicking up a fuss now. That sort of behaviour is actually along the lines of your PIL behaviour - selfish.

Fairenuff · 22/11/2014 11:04

I'm with your mum OP. They sound awful but the worst of all is that your dh allows this to happen. He is so very far from supportive of you that it sounds as if he doesn't care. This is a very sad set up

I would try and get out of it and be with people who really loved me. Sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear.

Original poster

Hurricaneinateacup · 22/11/2014 11:05

Yes unfortunately pil see very single minded when they want something.

Mil also suggested I give up trying to breast feed so that we could be discharged from hospital more quickly and then she could take ds to show her friends. We were in an extra couple of nights because ds wouldn't latch (had a tongue tie). It was not massively supportive of mil.

As I said they've backed off a bit now ds is a strapping wilful 5 year old but they were hard work for the first couple of years. It did them no favours because it made me less likely to accommodate them rather than more.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 22/11/2014 11:08

And is your only problem with your DH because he didn't support you against his parents?

Original poster

Hurricaneinateacup · 22/11/2014 11:09

So I can on one hand totally understand my mother's dislike for them but then on the other hand how can I not invite them to stuff like ds's christmas show? They love ds, they aren't abusive to him or anything. They're just a bit selfish and thoughtless. Ds thinks the world of both sets of grandparents, as he should, so it leaves me stuck in the middle.
I probably shouldn't have told my mum all that went on but at the time I was struggling with it all and dh was no help so she kind of got most of the ranting. I don't now, now when they annoy me I keep it to myself but when id just had a baby and was mad from lack of sleep etc I had to share it with someone!

OP posts:

Original poster

Hurricaneinateacup · 22/11/2014 11:10

No there are other issues with dh.

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 22/11/2014 11:14

They don't have to sit or stand together do they? Tell your mum its her loss but to be honest it sounds like they are right for not liking your husband or inlaws.

Fairenuff · 22/11/2014 11:15

Your dh is allowing his parents to bully you though. In fact, he is colluding with them. You have to do what they want and that isn't right, OP.

I bet anything he always gets his way where his parents are concerned. It's no use blaming them, OP, it's your dh that should be putting his foot down and making sure that you are not bullied by them. Why isn't he doing that?

MommyBird · 22/11/2014 11:18

You have my sympathy OP. My MIL was maybe a fraction of that. It was horrible.

However, my mum was still polite to them and maybe tolerated them purley for my DH. Big difference was she couldn't be arsed with her grandchild yet still wanted all the love and praise.

If your in laws are good grandparents and your DC loves them then your mum needs to hold onto that and think what is best for your DC.

GahLinDah · 22/11/2014 11:19

I think if somebody had treated my (albeit grown up) child in such a horrible and thoughtless way after they'd had major abdominal surgery when they were just getting to grips with being a parent, as well as everything else - your dh etc. I'd find it very hard to be civil to them.

That said, you have moved past it and your mum should follow your lead, even if inwardly she wants to shake your PILs silly.

Fairenuff · 22/11/2014 11:25

I don't think OP has moved past it in the sense that they don''t do it anymore, I think it's more a case of accepting that this is the way they behave and OP just has to suck it up.

For example, OP, what would happen if you told your dh that at the next 'event' involving your ds you would like to invite just your parents and not his. Would he agree to this as something that you would like?

I'm guessing not. I think he will object and make it all about his parents and how upset they would be and how he couldn't possibly tell them they couldn't come, etc.

But what about what you want? If it would make you happy to have your parents there for a change, would he agree to do that for you?

I don't think he would, based on what you've said so far. He doesn't care if you are upset, as long as his parents aren't. And that's what I find worrying about this thread.

Hissy · 22/11/2014 11:31

time to throw your toys out of the pram my dear!

bollock your H for being a spineless twat, bollock your ILs for being such a bunch of tossers and tell your parents that you expect them to not show you up by causing a scene and to be grown up about this.

you seriously need to take back control of your life here, stop allowing people to order you around, and stop making things easy for them at your expense.

your h is either on board or not, your parents on board or not, your family behind you or not. tell them all that either they all behave like normal, respectful adults or you'll go it alone. and mean it.

wanttosqueezeyou · 22/11/2014 11:36

The description of how your DH and IL's treated you after the section is disgusting.

They got away with that shocking behaviour because no one spoke up.

I'd really struggle to be around people like that and bite my tongue. Especially if my daughter was involved. And also if they were 'role models' for my GC.

Just wanted to counter some of the comments about your Mum being a 'flouncer' and a 'queen bee'. I think it sounds a lot more complicated than that.

Mrsgrumble · 22/11/2014 11:43

I actually think your mums behaviour is as bad as pil at the moment
Emotional blackmail

Just tell your mum you can't treat one different to the other for the sake of an innocent child and you don't want him involved in this.

That said, did your dh stand up for you at all? Why did you sit on the floor? They are bullying !!! What happens when next baby arrives? Dh should sort this out for you, so wrong !

peppapigonaloop · 22/11/2014 11:55

I think i recognise you from some other posts. If you are who I remember your DH is a horrible man who you should be well shot of. And your in laws not much better.
Having said that in this instance your mother is being unreasonable as it should be all about DS not her issues with pil..
Apologies though if muddling you up with someone else!

Chippednailvarnish · 22/11/2014 12:04

Your DH is the problem, everyone else is just following his lead, including you...

Nanny0gg · 22/11/2014 12:07

It should be about DS in an ideal world. But when the OP's parents have had to listen to lots of horrible things happening to their daughter and probably have to stand helplessly watching it too and then be expected to be all nicey-nicey with these people - well sometimes it's asking a lot.

Maybe they should be put before horrid in-laws sometimes.

And it's not fair not to tell them, I've had my differences with them but as I said they are ds's grandparents too.

So? Do they act like it? If they disrespect his mother, my answer to that would be No.

Original poster

Hurricaneinateacup · 22/11/2014 12:11

My parents have had a lot more to do with ds simply because I've been a sahm (didn't go back despite the pressure from pil) so we've seen a fair bit of them in the week. I never took ds to see pil without dh going too. I might have done if they hadn't behaved like they did in the beginning.

I can completely understand my mum's dislike but in this instance I can't not invite pil. Ds wants them to come anyway. Usually I make sure they don't have to see each other but I can't see a way around this. The trouble is if my parents won't go then they miss out but pil get their way again.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 22/11/2014 12:20

in this instance I can't not invite pil

Will there be other instances when you can not invite pil?

Meerka · 22/11/2014 12:29

Your PILs sound pretty bad but as others have said, can't your mother be civil for the sake of the grandchild and supporting him on the parade?

What about if she stood at a different point of the procession and waved? it's kind of awkward that she won't be with you but after all, its her decision and it ought to be about the little boy, being there for him.

Original poster

Hurricaneinateacup · 22/11/2014 12:33

Well where we can go separately and do things twice instead we do - twice to see santa, two small birthday parties etc.
But there's no option with this.

OP posts:

SassySugarCane · 22/11/2014 12:54

shouldn't have to do two santa visits, parties etc. Both sides should suck it up for your DS's sake.

Ohmygrood · 22/11/2014 12:55

Your mum is being selfish. She's bullying you just as much as PIL did, but emotionally, which is more underhand really.

KatieKaye · 22/11/2014 12:59

Your DS wants them there - tell your DM that and ask her to act civilly towards them. That's all that is required of her and she can still keep her dislike of them.

But how long can you keep doing "two of everything"? Can't your DP just accept the PIL are part of the GCs life and put up with seeing them occasionally for family events? Sooner or later your DS is going to pick up on all the friction and start asking awkward questions.

Hissy · 22/11/2014 13:10

either they both come and behave, or neither comes.

tell them all that any one of them that spoils any event for you, or your ds will mean that NONE of them will attend anything ever again.

make them all responsible for their collective behaviour and punish them all for putting you through this trauma.

they are being selfish and enough is enough!

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