..to NOT be scared of DS's delay?! WTF?!

[TooGood2BeFalse]

Hi all,

This isn't an 'is he or isn't he' kind of thread. Honestly. More of an 'AIBU in my approach' IFYSWIM.

My young sir is 2yrs and nearly 9 months. He was always physically on time, crawling at 6 months, walking by 11 months etc. However, communication was slow. He has always been a non-stop babbler, but actual words took a while (around 2).

My DH has been obsessed, and I MEAN obsessed with DS being autistic. My lovely nephew who is nearly 5 has been diagnosed very recently with moderate-severe autism; DH saw on Dr. Google that there were links to genetics and from the time our son was 12 months was 'searching for red flags, just in case.'

To be fair, when he was much younger (around 12-18 months), he was a different child. Loved things than spun, speech delay and a tiptoer. I kept a very close eye on him, checked in regularly with his doctor - who believed DS was just a trifle behind, but as he is and always was interactive, would turn a corner as he got older.

Speech didn't come for ages, however. He was always interest, active, engaged, smiley etc.. but just words seemed to be beyond him.

My DH was a nightmare at this time (12-18 months). He stopped being the involved daddy that he was, was very critical of our son and in his own words, was 'embarrassed' by little man's lack of speech.

I watched and watched and WATCHED my son like a hawk, trying to see what he did. But I didn't.

Because of DH's concerns, I took my son (alone, he will never come to medical appts for DS with me as he says he is 'dreading' hearing 'the news of his special needs') to a specialist child development center, which has a autism unit. I live in Cyprus, so it is a very different system here - we only had to wait a week to see an autism specialist.

The doctor we saw told me DS had a 'very strange mouth presentation with very low muscle tone' and to take him to an ENT specialist immediately.

Turned out DS has ridiculously enlarged adenoids and tonsils, and is 60% deaf in one ear. He was completely unable to breathe through his nose, which explained why he was having issues with harder foods (choking!). Go figure.

He has now had the offending tonsils and adenoids removed.

We later returned for 2x 2 hour 'play sessions' where the child development team worked with our boy, and basically told us they see no cause for concern regarding autism, but just that he needed speech therapy and to attend nursery ASAP to improve his social skills.

Over the past 4months and particularly since his op, my son has had what I can only describe as a crazy progression. Pointing and naming everything he sees to show you, has learned over 200 new words (pronunciation is a bugger, but Rome wasn't built in a day). He is loving, laid back, a great sleeper, trying new food, walking better and is generally HAPPIER. Loves to be played with, loves to go out and be entertained - I can only describe him as loving life. Literally.

My DH still believes he is autistic, and that I am being negligent by not taking further action.

I don't get it. Yes, I can see that my son is a bit behind his peers. Yes, I know his language is delayed, but I take him 2x a week for speech therapy and he's doing incredibly well.

BUT - he is the happiest, most loving little boy I know. If he eventually DOES turn out to have autistic traits or even a real diagnosis.. should I be scared? Because I'm not. My DH acts like some massive tragedy has fallen upon us, but all I see is a cheerful little chap that hugs his teddies. I'm being told that I'm in denial, blinded by mother's love and that I'm wasting precious time. I have told him that I have ALREADY taken him to several doctors who all say the same thing - but he says that they've missed it and he sees what we don't.

My marriage is falling apart over this - I feel like my son is being observed constantly, I feel like I am constantly doubting myself and my ability as a mother for 'missing' a disorder that DH is convinced is there.

From my POV, I adore my son, he will be a fabulous person whoever he turns out to be - I just don't see the cause for panic or horror if he functions a little differently. So... I guess what I'm asking is, if one parent continues to have doubts about his son's development, AIBU not to a) find yet another doctor to assess him and b) to not feel like it's the end of the FUCKING world if he is delayed/ not neuro-typical etc.?

The DH stopped being involved, became critical of, and embarrassed by his own son because of his speech delay.

He's now refusing to engage in any medical appointments and accusing the OP of being negligent because she won't pursue any further investigations, which she has been told by medics, are not required.

That makes him an arsehole in my book.

I think you should insist that your DH either shuts up or attends an appointment with you to discuss your DS and DH's thoughts. I'd then insist that he says nothing more about it while giving your DS chance to catch up with his peers. Say if he's still significantly behind in 12mo time, then DH could take him again to the consultant. Note, DH, not you!

It sounds exactly like your DS's problems were the cause of the speech delay and now he's catching up.

Buildermammy - there's nothing 'wrong' with my son either although he does have a diagnosis of autism and has ocd. There is better terminology out there.

My gorgeous Ds was exactly the same in presentation and as a child mental health specialist, I was concerned enough to take him to a private paediatrician when he was 23 months. He said he was fine developmentally but he diagnosed him with hyper mobile joints and said that this could affect speech as the mouth muscles can be affected. He told me not to worry and it would all come in time. I had never heard of this before but all our worries were put into perspective and he was right because Ds has now caught up.
Why does your dh want to pathologies your Ds? He sounds as if his very wedded to his "diagnosis" and the idea that he is trying to make you doubt your own judgment is scary. What are his motives? What's going on? Don't doubt your self, question him.

I'd tell "Fine, he probably has autism. What would you like to do about it? Therapy won't cure him."

Your DH sounds like he's having a lot of anxiety around the issue. You might want to ask him what he plans on doing with a diagnosis if you ever get one.

I think your DH could do with having some CBT it seems like he has developed an obsessive disorder around the possibility of your DS being autistic.
I don't think people saying he's awful etc is fair. It sounds more like he is ill.

I think you have to insist your DH goes to an appointment with you. He can't insist something is wrong but refuse to engage with doctors.

"I am being negligent by not taking further action. "

He's your son's parent too. If he thinks action needs taking, then HE is being negligent if he doesn't take it. It's not a role which requires breasts.

When he is in a calm mood tell him that quite honestly he needs to talk to someone about this anxiety he has developed as he is missing a lot of joy in his sons early years, ruining his relationship with his son and this time for himself when a- many many hcp have found no sign and an actual cause of the delay has been identified and rectified and b- so what if he does end up with a diagnosis - he will need his father more than ever and his father's behaviour is not helping - he needs to develop close bonds whether he is NT or has some form of SN and either way he is still him. And not only his son is suffering but now his marriage - unless he sorts it out he is risking everything over something that probably isn't there in the first place.

Did anything happen that may have triggered this anxiety ?

I'm with Zip' this sounds to me like an obsessive anxiety which has for out of control. I'm like that about ds and DH dying in a car crash but I see it for an irrational fear and work very hard to overcome it.

CBT would help your DH, but I think the first step is to call him on it. The next time he brings it up say, 'I don't agree but of course as ds parent I will take you seriously. What do you want to happen next?' And then keep drilling down until he comes up with a plan which he will be in charge of (ie he will make an appt for assessment and go with ds. Obviously you need to go with them to 'hear' what's being said accurately).

If he won't agree to take action, end the conversation. Do this every time it comes up.

Fwiw your little one sounds NT to me, with speech issues caused by his adenoids etc, which has now been fixed.

Was the diagnosis of your nephew particularly stressful (it often can be)? Maybe this had been a trigger for your Husband's anxiety

Your DH has problems.

Can't tell from what you've said whether he's suffering from a really debilitating mental health problem, or he's being an arsehole - and I suspect the answer lies somewhat in the middle. Hopefully more fuelled by this obsessive anxiety as mh issues are easier to work through than someone being an arsehole, as arseholishness tends to preclude any caring or will to change.

The elements I'd have an issue with are things where he's allowing himself to behave badly and unfairly to you... I get irritated with bad behaviour being excused by mh problems as there is a difference!

Your dh does understand there isn't a cure for autism doesn't he?!

My DS is autistic. The best thing you can do as a parent is to be in tune with your child - regardless of autism. Support him in everything, know and understand him.

I too think it sounds like your DH has some kind of issue that he probably needs help with. I feel for him, that type of anxiety is horrible to live with, and as with any debilitating mental or physical health condition, it is likely to have an effect on a persons loved ones. It doesn't make him an arsehole, and I expect a woman with anxiety issues about her child's health would get more understanding.

Your DH sounds critical and negative. I divorced my first for incredibly similar reasons, hyper critical of our DS.Your DS is a typical boy. Interestingly enough, I went on to remarry and my DD had glue ear, deaf in one ear and partially deaf in another. This happened from about two. Her speech tanked and behaviour totally changed. Once it corrected itself the change was incredible! Once she could vhear again, it was amazing how much she grew, emotionally and intellectually. It was immediately noticeable. How great to hear that your DS is doing great. How do you feel about your DH, in all honesty?

The following is completely anecdotal and a highly personal take on the matter, but...

Those who are on the spectrum can sometimes become quite obsessed with autism whether or not they themselves have a diagnosis or identify consciously with the symptoms. It's possible that your DH is projecting his own insecurities onto his son. Perhaps seeing an autism specialist would help him to make sense of his feelings. It's important for him to seek the facts from one or multiple professionals as he is clearly unable to trust anything he has not heard directly and relies on sources which do not refer to your son or offer a differential diagnosis. Could your DH be acting out because he has come to blame himself after being spooked by internet articles which discuss genetics in a way which he feels implicates him as the cause of your son's difficulties? He sounds unusually hung up on the idea of ASD given the developments your son has made. If your DH could see that his own behaviour at this time closely matches some of that which he so fears, he might with the right support achieve a new perspective on the diversity of minds and become capable of accepting your DS and the inherent uncertainty of parenthood. Perhaps your husband has had some trauma of his own and wants to protect his DS from misunderstandings by getting him the diagnosis he never benefited from himself.

Source: I was one of those children who came on in leaps and bounds after having a profound hearing problem fixed, and am currently being assessed for Asperger's as an adult, having apparently presented in childhood as NT "enough" in the context of my physical health problems. I have also previously lived with a very controlling non-blood relative suspected to have AS and observed the ways his own past experiences and poor coping strategies affected his ability to parent and to deal with situations which echoed his own history in any way.

P.S. You are absolutely entitled to your trust in the specialists you have already dealt with. It is fortunate that you possess the rationality and positivity to avoid forecasting unhappiness for your DS regardless of whether or not he has ASD or any other diagnosis. Your DH is entitled to his skepticism, but should not be letting it affect his relationship with you and your child. He must start taking steps before it is much too late.

I wish you all the best.

This is going to sound a little out of left-field so bear with me. I read one article recently about children with disabilities in Greece and from this I am extrapolating wildly. Is your DH Cypriot? If he is, what is his cultural background WRT people with disabilities and additional needs?

Your son sounds exactly like mine! My ds is 2 years and 7 months.

When he was younger we noticed he was very strict with routines everything had to be done a certain way and at a certain time we had to kiss his toys in order and everything had to be done in the same order all the time or he would freak out and scream. He didn't point didn't do eye contact. Didn't play with peers was obsessed with things that spun around (ceiling fans mainly) and at 2 years old had yet to say his first word. I took him to the hv who noticed he tiptoed as well and she said she would refer him onto a paediatrician as she would like him assessed. He had a play session and an assessment done and she concluded that he was behind in some areas of his development due to speech delay but was very adament that she seen nothing that was saying autism to her. He was referred to speech therapy which we are still waiting to here back about and she to recommended we started him in nursery as soon as we could so he starts pre school in january. In the past 3 or 4 months since we've been to see them his speech has improved greatly.... Still very behind for his age but he has words now and I'd say about 50-100 of them and can even put 2 together now and is really coming out of himself. I don't have any concerns about him having autism now and I feel that as his speech improves so will other areas of his development as well. The paediatrician has arranged to see us again In a years time to see how he has progressed so maybe that's something you could arrange with yours just to put your dhs mind at rest.
I know I was spotting little signs every day when it was in my head that's what I was looking for and really a lot of it is just normal toddler behaviours as well as well as being as a result of speech delay. (at the assessment my ds was at his age level for all the other areas I think bar maybe one or two which he was slightly behind and he was significantly behind in the speech category because he didn't babble either)

They are all unique and will develop in their own time and their own ways and I really hope your dh can learn to calm down and see this and not spend all his time worrying xx

My ds is autistic, my brother's 2 yr old ds is currently being assessed.
He talks of "curing it if caught early enough":(
When ds was diagnosed 3 years ago at age 8, the doctors told me to "play on his strengths and work on his weaknesses"
Autism is not the end of the world.
However, judging by your op, you are doing everything possible for your ds and doctors would be referring for assessment if any concerns.
It's not scary to have an autistic child, it's a massive rollercoaster but one I'm proud to ride.
Good luck:)