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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let this one drop?

45 replies

in2theblues · 19/11/2014 19:59

DH had a PPI repayment into his account two weeks ago - just over 1.5k. So we got a new cooker; a few other bits and pieces. Paid some bills and gave our DSs a ton each.

Last night an unexpected bill came in via email. I asked if the PPI would cover it for now. He's got nothing left when there should be over £700. I asked where it had gone and his immediate response was 'I didn't gamble it'. Eh!? Who mentioned gambling? The thought actually never crossed my mind.

Little bit of squeaking later, and him with lying eyes on all the way, I got his account and password out of him - he promised that he'd only 'tried to log on'. I constructed a 'self imposed' five year ban from all casinos right in front of him.

Went to work today still cross. Money is gone, lying is proved, as I looked into his internet history, ban is imposed. Not a thing has been mentioned since I got home.

We're living on just my part time income as he's not fit to work following illness. The money was supposed to see us warm through the winter. He's not a gambler in day to day terms but fancies himself as a bit of a hustler.

Should I torture him with sarcastic digs to eternal hell, have it out once and for all or just drop it?

OP posts:

Gileswithachainsaw · 20/11/2014 09:48

There's also phone accounts and shops are open from 8 till 10.00 at night. Some offer a card scheme where you don't even need a bank account to sign up.

It's extremely easy now to gamble.

He needs to actually deal with the problem.

Original poster

in2theblues · 20/11/2014 12:04

I'm still fuming with him but I can't see what to do. The account is blocked and he knows I'm on to him so he probably won't try again. Anyway he's got no money left and he never gets more than the price of a kit kat out of me.

If I'm lucky I can intercept his bank statement for proof. I would have not a moment's guilt doing that. Then I suppose I could sit down and calmly (ha) say 'Wtf? - and you lied.'

So maybe let it go for now but plan to have a serious word.

OP posts:

Gileswithachainsaw · 20/11/2014 12:14

But how will you tell by bank statements?

gamblers are liars. fact.

We aren't talking about seine who has a spare tenner left at the end of the week and sticks it on a dog named after his gran.

It was 700 pounds. It was online accounts. what part of that makes you think blocking them will stop him?

with pre paid cards available he cab bet without your knowledge. winnings go straight back onto the card or he can withdraw cash from them. It won't show up on a statement if he's used the card over the phone. how long do you think. you can keep hold of his bank cards or intercept his statements. that's no way to live as you need to be able to trust him. that's not how you act of you trust someone.

He needs to seek help. And that's not something you can force him to do.

Gileswithachainsaw · 20/11/2014 12:30

Sorry I don't wish to sound harsh but you just sound so naive with regards to thinking it's all over.

I worry that I could result in you bot having enough money to pay hills ir Fred your family. addiction s take hold of people and cause them to act In ways that are completely out of character. lying stealing etc

you need to.make sure your money and the. Kids money is safe and he has no access to it

Original poster

in2theblues · 20/11/2014 12:32

He doesn't normally have any money. I made sure of that after the whisky bottles at the end of the garden, the falling over, calling the paramedics because it looked like another stroke and crashing the car twice.

He thinks he can beat the house because he learnt how to card count. I can see how it goes: loses 100 panics and bets again to try to get it back. Loses more - repeat the above. Oops £700. Only thing left now is to lie.

OP posts:

Gileswithachainsaw · 20/11/2014 12:36

ok so clearly he has an addictive personality.

can you really live like this?

You can't keep hold of his money. It doesn't solve anything. Just makes him.more desperate and possibly leads to obtaining money in other ways. borrowing, selling stuff etc.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 20/11/2014 12:39

I think I'd insist he seeks gambling help. I've been to a casino with work and spent a very small amount, under £20, he's lost £700 and I expect he might have won a little bit and then lost that, so probably gambled more than just £700.

That's a vast sum of money and I don't think you do that if you're not already gambling.

Although not a reason for gambling, is there a chance that he thought the PPI money was his for him to spend as he wished? Not condoning it, DH and I would class this as shared money if it was in our joint account, but I wouldn't presume it was ours if he put it in his own account. We might discuss spending it on joint things but I wouldn't necessary presume the whole lot was ours. DH would quickly spend it on camera equipment, Lego or anime comics!

tigermoll · 20/11/2014 19:32

My bf did this once. He was unemployed, so took the last of his money to the casino and lost it all. As soon as I came back from work he told me everything, apologised profusely and never did it again. I just hugged him and told him it was fine, then lent him some money which he paid back when he got a job. (BTW it wasn't my money he'd lost).

But if it a) had been family/joint money, b) he'd lied about or c) refused to see 'the big deal' I would have been fuming and very, very concerned. I think you have problems which sarky comments and Paddington stares aren't going to fix.

Original poster

in2theblues · 20/11/2014 22:12

DH came back from the shop with a burger. We can't afford burgers and he didn't even order me a chip.

It could be over over the burger and but a simple thought a single chip for me.

Credit where it's due though he didn't want to inflict 'horrible chips' on me because the shop don't do good chips. He almost inhaled the burger even though there's good food in the house.

He's as guilty as fuck.

OP posts:

whois · 20/11/2014 22:45

You're living on your part time earnings and he gambled away £700???

Fuck.

I'd be so upset.

Original poster

in2theblues · 20/11/2014 22:49

I am so upset but there's nothing I can do and I have to carry on with the day to day all tonight and the next day.

OP posts:

ThreeQuartersEmpty · 20/11/2014 23:23

I'm out.

Oldraver · 20/11/2014 23:25

Yes there is something you can do....kick the fuck out

NotGoingOut17 · 21/11/2014 00:34

If my DP did that, I'd think he was an idiot and wasteful and make sure he knew it would be coming out of his spending money rather than mine but it wouldn't be a dealbreaker because it wouldn't make the difference between us being able to put the heating on or not.

If I was the sole wage earner and we were surviving on only my part time income, and that £700 was the difference between keeping our family warm over Winter and he had so little respect for me and the hours I work to earn £700 etc. I think I'd find it very hard to forgive. Likewise, the lies.

I think some honest and frank conversations need to be had OP as he has let you down big time. And there is something you can do, you can make it very clear that his behaviour is unacceptable, disrespectful, selfish, irresponsible and immature to name but a few.

honeycrest · 21/11/2014 03:58

So he has self excluded from the one site that he lost the money on? Whats stopping him opening an account with another firm?

Also, he is a mug. You can't count cards on online blackjack

musicalendorphins2 · 21/11/2014 08:03

Maybe the two of you can go to an addictions counselor? You can both learn skills to help him curb his addictions to gambling and booze, and prevent any new addictions. Good luck.

JJXM · 21/11/2014 10:56

My DH used to be a gambler before we got married - the only reason he stopped was because he ran out of money (spent £50k of mine - all on credit). He lied to me for five years and even after being found out it took him another 12 months to be honest about everything. Gamblers lie and cheat - unless they get help they will always do this. DH is not allowed to gamble at all - he has to ask my permission to do a tombola at a charity day - if he ever gambled again I would leave him. £700 with you on a part time wage is disgusting - if personal gratification is more important than keeping his family warm then he has a problem.

Fixerupperz · 21/11/2014 11:18

700 pounds.....!!! You seem well too not arsed enough about this!!

Original poster

in2theblues · 24/11/2014 22:02

A cocklodger is forever . Oh well.

OP posts:

PatriciaHolm · 24/11/2014 22:47

You seem remarkably sanguine about being stuck with him. You don't have to be a martyr and continue the relationship, you know.

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