To wonder if all this utter bollocks is simply part of the Proper Job market these days

[SolidGoldBrass]

I have a new job. I don't like it very much, but the money's good and I desperately need it.
A part of the job involves going on training courses - which is fair enough. I'm working in an unfamiliar area and I have lots to learn: no problem with that.

But the language in the training materials makes me feel ill. It's not a fucking 'personal development journey'; I don't need to be 'reflective and mindful' - I need to learn how to do the job, do it competently and get paid. It's admin work, not psychiatry or woo-peddling.

Maybe I am just too old, but back in the days when I had more regular work (ie 9-5 in offices) I never had this sort of rubbish to deal with. I just did what I was asked to do, and if I didn't know how to do something I asked whoever was nearby and had been there longer than me. I have, admittedly, spent the past 15 years or so working freelance, or pretty much so, and nearly all those jobs have been about going and doing something and then sending an invoice. Is it always going to be like this if I ever want a well-paid job again?

[merseyparadise]

Many thanks grumblepuss

[SteamTrainsRealAleandOpenFires]

I was going to mention "Newspeak" aswell. But Corporate "New" Speak is the reverse of Newspeak, because of the increase of word useage. So should it called "DoubleplusNewspeak"?

[RikaChan]

Yanbu. It smacks of all fur coat and nae knickers.

I worked for a company where they decided to ban the use of the word "staff". Everyone was to to be referred to as 'co-owners' (even though we owned jack shit - i.e. no real shares in the company). We were all in it together. Structure charts were reversed with the staff "co-owners" now at the top and the management/leadership team at the bottom 'serving' these amazing "co-owners". A new communications team was set up whose job it was to usher in the new era of "we are family" with propaganda messages stuffed full of utter bollocks. They could of given Pyongyang a run for their money. We were now all skipping to work through rainbows and jumping for joy because we worked for this amazing company that we now owned in a metaphysical sense only.

Guess what? Nothing actually changed. The doers carried on doing their job and moaning in secret about what a shit place it was to work whilst the esteemed leaders patted themselves on the back for producing a lot of hot air.

However, woe betide anyone who dared to speak out about the fact that nothing had changed. Heads rolled....

Needless to say we had all manner of charlatans consultants in to 'transform' us. They must have laughed all the way to the bank.

[flumpysocks]

My favourite so far is "there needs to be a re-shaking of the kaleidoscope".

No idea what it means, but it sounds fun.

[feckitall]

The last department meeting we had with the store manager I created a bingo game as I knew he would come out with bollocks certain words or phrases and four of us were ticking words off..the plan was to shout out the name of the main competitor when someone won..my line manager knew I was up to something but didn't know what but kept giving me and looks. She didn't challenge ask me what though! The other colleagues were round the table glancing at each other and we were trying to keep a straight face whilst ticking them off..we got down to one left for 'bingo'.

[CanadianJohn]

It's not just employment which requires buzzwords; in my experience, education is the worst for word-mush. How anyone learns anything I don't know.

I recently applied for a government grant; before submitting the application, I met with a grant consultant. The consultant changed all my clear prose into high-falutin' "grant-speak", a heady mix of bafflegab and buzzwords.

I got the grant.

[BikeRunSki]

I urge you all to read Salmon Fishing in the Yemen. It is partially written in emails, letters and memos between Senior Defra Civil a Servants, ministers and an a Environment Agency officer, who is trying to deliver an almost impossible project.

I work for the EA. The terminology and messages are so true to life!

[Notmymonkeys]

I used to sit on a board of trustees with a very earnest young woman who kept wittering on about 'finding synergies'. I think she meant 'stuff we've got in common' but I was never entirely sure. She works in communications for a fairly large charity

[iseenodust]

BikeSki that's a great book. So true to my experience of working in the public sector too.

[SecretSpy]

My manager is always waffling on about how he 'tasked Bob with xyz' and going forward bollocks. Luckily he doesn't mind me laughing at him when he does. Lots of 'lessons learned' stuff we cocked up but will try not to cock up next time ...I turned down a management position because I just don't want to get swamped with all that bullshit.

[hiccupgirl]

One of the reasons I left working in business was I never quite felt I fitted in with the whole culture of corporate bullshit. Then I trained as a teacher and found the education world is a million times worse!

I just can't bring myself to say crap like 'blue sky thinking', 'reflective journey' or 'revenue envelope'. Makes my skin crawl.

[5Foot5]

Oh I love this thread.

I recently left a very large company in the financial sector to work for a very small IT company and it is SOOOO refreshing to be with people who talk normal English instead of all this corporate bollocks.

No "journeys" or "blue skys" here

Years ago I worked for two different companies owned by Americans and they really were the worst. The first time somebody told me we had to "get our duckies in a line" I was totally speechless and bewildered.

[bobthebuddha]

Oh, it's all a big steaming pile of poo. I left the art-world because I couldn't for the life of me make up meaningless art-bollocks to go with the meaningless 'conceptual' art that proliferated. Then ended up working for an American-led company with 'shopping' in its name. One day we were all sent little squidgy characters to keep on our desks to remind us we were no longer individuals but, collectively, 'shoppies' which we were were all henceforth addressed as in mass motivational emails designed to 'faciliate our journeys.' I knew my days were numbered when my instant reaction was to throw the thing across the room screaming 'I am not a fucking shoppie!' It didn't go down very well

[SilentCharisma]

Oh gosh yes! We used to play bullshit bingo in meetings at one of our clients; a large corporate. When you'd got 15 you had to start a small Mexican wave around the table.

Favourites were 'media landscape', 'low-hanging fruit', 'thought leadership' , 'drilling down' and 'departmental through-put'.

Another absolute favourite was 'cascade', as in 'let me cascade this to the marketing team.'

We changed this to 'let me avalanche that to the marketing team' or 'let me tsunami that in your direction.'

We were childish.

[TattyDevine]

YANBU. It stinks.

Sorry, I mean, it's aromatic

[RhinestoneCowgirl]

I hear you OP! I work for a small charity. Our CEO is vv enthusiastic and absolutely wedded to the job, and management speak too. Lots of 'going forward', synergy etc

I'm doing a part-time admin job that's several grades below my pre-children job, I just want to go in, answer some phones, wrangle some spreadshits and get home in time to pick the DC up from school. I just don't have the energy for synergy

[IrenetheQuaint]

I'm concerned that the OP is not fully engaged in pushing the envelope with our key stakeholders. May I suggest a three-way to bottom this out across the piece.

[SolidGoldBrass]

I have to say, my training course yesterday was remarkably crap-free. Pleasantly surprised. Maybe this job will be one I can stand to stay in after all.

[flamingtoaster]

Don't forget it's always important to use your core competencies to come up with the ballpark figure that you can bring to the table.

[Sleepflower43]

Where I work we no longer plan ahead, we forward gaze. We also do 360 feedback, deepdives, cascade and disseminate.
This organisaton has previously won awards for using plain English. We now have a new leadership team who excel in talking utter bollocks.
I could weep.