To wonder if all this utter bollocks is simply part of the Proper Job market these days

[SolidGoldBrass]

I have a new job. I don't like it very much, but the money's good and I desperately need it.
A part of the job involves going on training courses - which is fair enough. I'm working in an unfamiliar area and I have lots to learn: no problem with that.

But the language in the training materials makes me feel ill. It's not a fucking 'personal development journey'; I don't need to be 'reflective and mindful' - I need to learn how to do the job, do it competently and get paid. It's admin work, not psychiatry or woo-peddling.

Maybe I am just too old, but back in the days when I had more regular work (ie 9-5 in offices) I never had this sort of rubbish to deal with. I just did what I was asked to do, and if I didn't know how to do something I asked whoever was nearby and had been there longer than me. I have, admittedly, spent the past 15 years or so working freelance, or pretty much so, and nearly all those jobs have been about going and doing something and then sending an invoice. Is it always going to be like this if I ever want a well-paid job again?

[JustAShopGirl]

Management speak erotica - Don't think it is meant like this but at my old job the boss was known as "Passion Fingers" - PF for short .... fucked up every project he touched

[Lovecat]

Yep, it is the way the world is going/has gone and it does my head in.

In my last job I was asked to "go on an elephant hunt" as an action point of the meeting I was in. When I queried this, I was treated with great derision for not being up on the current management speak.

I worked in Accountancy. I was actually being asked to look over the year's figures and find out what had caused any unusually large movements month on month.

We didn't have bloody awful shit tasks that no-one else wanted to do. We had "Development Opportunities" :o

[AWombWithoutAFoof]

This is why I left FE teaching. I couldn't get my head round the fact that, in a profession which is all about communication, there was so much bollockery being peddled. It clearly wasn't working, as students were getting thicker and thicker.

Anything requiring you to self-evaluate and reflect needs a kick in the cunt.

[AWombWithoutAFoof]

Unless you're one of the Four Tops there's no excuse for 'reaching out'. Twats.

Managers, not the Four Tops.

[Snatchoo]

I'm disappointed you haven't all embraced the blue-sky thinking, going forward.

When looking at our business model, we have to work with total transparency and use our full capabilities.

Please feedback to me your thoughts on this, so I can break down more barriers in the future.



I have recently got a promotion at work and so far all I'm doing is writing presentation after presentation with all this guff in it. I'd love it if they actually DID something instead of just brainstorming it over and over again.

[Snatchoo]

I would love to work the word 'bollockery' into one of my presentations!

I won't though. Just in case not all my colleagues are mumsnetters

[Andrewofgg]

Snatchoo MN dares you!

[PingPongBat]

The Plain English campaign has a gobblegook generator which has some choice phrases. How about "We need a more contemporary reimagining of our 'Outside the box' logistical concepts."

[emotionsecho]

The 'low hanging fruit' one makes me want to scream, my mind pictures pendulous bollocks - yuk.

A close friend works with an American company where the current top phrases are 'boil the ocean', and 'so we can podium', the wtaf face is used regularly.

[iseenodust]

Oh Snatchoo I fear you are 'reinventing the wheel'.

[SolidGoldBrass]

(I'm working for the Local Authority...)

[SolidGoldBrass]

I have to restrain myself from putting the worst examples of this stuff into quote marks in the minutes of meetings. Because the bastards don't just write in bollocks, half of them talk it.

[JustAShopGirl]

we don't feedback our thoughts... we 360 them...

[TheCountessofFitzdotterel]

The worst thing is that they probably think it.

[MrsKoala]

Oh don't be such a 'mood hoover' OP.

I actually had a half day training once on that. (not me personally but the whole dept).

What i hate the most about all this bollox is the term/concept of a 'no blame culture'. Everywhere i have worked they have banged on about it. So when inevitably things fuck up, as they often did, no one was allowed to point out the bleeding obvious of why it had fucked up and who had fucked it (always the same people). We had to 'have a no blame culture moving forward'. NO! i want Karen to be told once and for all she has fucked it up for us all AGAIN.

[coraltoes]

We aren't asked "how will this look?" But "what are the optics"
Management is the Leadership Team, and the other senior people who aren't quite management but are overpaid are the Extended leadership team. Job titles get longer and more confusing and team names change so fifteen we are now full circle back to where we started. If There is a strategy that is made of a few things they are called pillars or webs or envelopes. Fucking envelopes?! We had so a many people reaching out it was like a performance of Joseph.

[saintlyjimjams]

I have had this same conversation twice already this week.

I have had to deal with lots of people from the council recently - I swear they're all clones as they all use the same phrases. If someone else tells me they wish 'to move positively foreword' I think I'll lamp them (not so positive).

However, dropping 'someone needs to take ownership of this' into our conversation did give a positive result (which may result in us moving positively forwards) even though my head was screaming 'wank speak alert'

[TheAlias]

"we don't feedback our thoughts... we 360 them"

That amused me JustA because in the 1980s "feedback" was a fancy new management word subject of much ridicule. I'm prepared to accept that it might have been used for a few years before that because my company was often late to the party, but it originally would only have been used to describe a mechanical process

[saintlyjimjams]

oh ha ha SGB I hadn't seen you were working for the LA when I wrote my post. I feel for you - none of the officers I have been speaking to speak normally. It's like a bloody training manual.

The actual councillors are good though - the one we have helping us just says everything straight. I think I love him.

[Yackity]

No blame culture? You're not blaming someone, you're identifying the point at which forward momentum of the journey has been impeded and tasking the active member with reintroducing the momentum!

[Boleh]

Your after action review should be followed up with a learning from incidents summary that does not seek to blame but allows us to move forward on our HSE journey.

[Snatchoo]

OH. MY. GOD.

I'd forgotten about low hanging fruit! Yes, totally brings to mind pendulous bollocks - all my colleagues are male. I'll let you all imagine my response when I first heard that particular little phrase! might have involves choking on coffee and then spluttering all over myself while going puce

Also, 'deep dive'. I don't even know what that means. Deep dive on that project - WTAF?!

[tywysogesgymraeg]

We don't have problems, we have "opportunities"