To wonder if all this utter bollocks is simply part of the Proper Job market these days

[SolidGoldBrass]

I have a new job. I don't like it very much, but the money's good and I desperately need it.
A part of the job involves going on training courses - which is fair enough. I'm working in an unfamiliar area and I have lots to learn: no problem with that.

But the language in the training materials makes me feel ill. It's not a fucking 'personal development journey'; I don't need to be 'reflective and mindful' - I need to learn how to do the job, do it competently and get paid. It's admin work, not psychiatry or woo-peddling.

Maybe I am just too old, but back in the days when I had more regular work (ie 9-5 in offices) I never had this sort of rubbish to deal with. I just did what I was asked to do, and if I didn't know how to do something I asked whoever was nearby and had been there longer than me. I have, admittedly, spent the past 15 years or so working freelance, or pretty much so, and nearly all those jobs have been about going and doing something and then sending an invoice. Is it always going to be like this if I ever want a well-paid job again?

[SolidGoldBrass]

I suppose at least it means I'll have to do something really diabolical to get sacked, though. Fucking up (as long as no one dies, which no one will - about the worst I can do is forget to amend the minutes so that A is moving forward and B is reflecting on change rather than vice versa) will only lead to having to pull a sad face at them and go on another training course.

[ovaryhill]

Am I the only one making up corporate porn in my head? You know, his fingers went on a journey from her low hanging fruit to outside the box etc etc

[LadyWellian]

I used to work in an American firm where people were always 'reaching out', 'circling back' and 'closing the loop'. I thought it sounded like country dancing.

[ovaryhill]

'Cascade information' ie tell everyone else

[MrsKoala]

When DH worked for an American company he emailed a colleague over there to ask if a report had been sent to a client. She responded 'yes, and can i just say how great it was for you to reach out to me and i want you to know i am here to support you'. His face was and he kept re-checking the email chain just in case he had accidentally sent some kind of deep personal message by accident. It felt really intimate and uncomfortable for him I pissed myself laughing when he showed me the email chain.

On memorable conversation i had with a boss was
B. Koala, management have decided that moving forward we are going to put all correspondence in this file. Can you feed that back to the team moving forward?
Me. Er okay, from now on all letters get put in there.
B. Yes, so can you action that moving forward?
Me. Yup, i'll tell everyone to do that from now on.
B. So will you do that moving forward?
Me. Yes.
B. HUUUFFFFFFF

She clearly wanted me to join in the 'moving forward' speak. But i just can't bring myself to say it. What's wrong with from now on ffs?

[MrsKoala]

Haha the head of marketing at one uni i worked at once said in a meeting after i had said something 'if i can just dive in between Koalas legs for a moment' and everyone just went deathly silent and stared at me trying not to crack up He was such a bellend

[Nicename]

We used to play 'bullshit bingo' years ago. Low hanging fruit. Clear sky thinking. Etc etc. Now I work with normal people.

[tywysogesgymraeg]

PingPong - do you work anywhere in Wiltshire?

[Notbythehaironmychinnychinchin]

I quite like low hanging fruit - or I did!

I'm working class through & through and have a professional job. I cannot physically say things like "blue sky thinking" - my voice goes quiet and my face screws up. It's worse than the time I asked my dad which tea he wanted and felt like a ponce when it was apparent I meant herbal & he meant brands.

Anyway, we've all got a bit to play in this. when I write my reports I deliberately stay away from wanky phrases and I always get good feedback (360? because they're so clear. My immediate thought when I hear wanky phrases is "what are they covering up?" or "are they justifying their own expense?"

[DuchessDisaster]

I am with you on the bollock-speak. I take particular exception to the use of "experience" as in "user or customer experience".
Quick win is another term that makes me grimace.
And don't get me going on current project management terminology like "sprints".
I would be happy to attend training courses and get paid for them, though. Just edit out the rubbish language and make sure you ask lots of probing questions so that you are able to do what they need you to, once the course is over.

[emotionsecho]

MrsKoala dive between your legs

We need to think up some sever punishments for those who use wanky corporate speak, cleaning the loo with their own toothbrush might be a start.

[IrianofWay]

The company I work for has recently merged with a bigger European company and we are being treated to the works in Corporate Verbal Wankery. In power point presentation format and newsletters. How about 'leveraging the experience' and 'living the values' eh? All our meeting rooms have been redecorated in vivid colours with nice little corporate message blasts in funky font . Just pray not to be invited to a long meeting in 'Room Innovation' (previously known as meeting room 3) or the tangerine yellow will give you a splitting headache!

Nothing else says' your jobs are going down the shitter' more effectively than incentivising the workforce through motivational ambience upscaling ...

[Ladyfoxglove]

Doesn't the NHS have 'pathways' now?

Is this shite written by the same people who started the craze for starting every sentence with the word 'so.'

[TheAmyrlin]

Tywysogesgymraeg
I think you must work for the same Dept. as me. Lots of "customer journeys", moving forward, etc. And we have expectations, not targets.....

[LurkingHusband]

ovaryhill

Am I the only one making up corporate porn in my head? You know, his fingers went on a journey from her low hanging fruit to outside the box etc etc

Yes.

[LoofahVanDross]

Howling at 'low hanging fruit' and the thought of pendulous bollocks, priceless

[Summerisle1]

Am I the only one making up corporate porn in my head? You know, his fingers went on a journey from her low hanging fruit to outside the box etc etc

No. I did this all the time when enduring my Diploma in Strategic Management. It was the only way to get through it. Low hanging fruit was always particularly suggestible.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

HR out of the blue are advertising and seriously hassling staff to go on a "Mindfullness" course that they have arranged and probably paid in advance for.
The whole office is saying WTF is Mindfulness?

Low hanging fruit just makes me think of dogs that need to be castrated.....

[Stealthpolarbear]

Clinical pathways aren't corporate blocks!

"comments by cop today" (meaning before we all go home) is my latest pet hate

[choccyp1g]

When I am working on my allotment I sometimes play corporate speak.
" I'll harvest the lowhanging fruit, then cut back the deadwood, need to get to the root of this, and plant something for the future...etc"
It fascinates me how many (older) metaphors are from farming and sailing.
The problem is that office work is too far removed from reality, so we now get empty phrases that don't illustrate but confuse.

[choccyp1g]

Stealth, let's go home early because "bad light stopped play"

[Westendgal]

Anyone had to identify themselves on a blob tree? What fun...

[FeathersMcGraw]

Our last Customer Service course was a Great Expedition...

Lots of blindfold Plasticine modelling (learning how to interpret our customers instructions) and laying on the floor shouting at the ceiling (to project our voices...)

I'm yet to be sent on this one but it's only a matter of time...

[CruCru]

Ha ha. I always hated "What is our learning from this?" I think it means "What have we learnt from this?".

[Want2bSupermum]

lovecat I had the same reaction to elephant hunt. Told the mgr I needed him to translate to English English as assumed it was some sort of American thing.

I just transferred to a new group in Manhattan and I am having to go down to a 75% schedule because they have a silent expectation that you eat hours. I'm not going to kill myself so took a pay cut of 25% so I could have my sanity back.

The real issue is that so many companies are being mismanaged. If you speak up you are out. Sometimes you have to do uncomfortable things so you have a long term future. My industry is broken but if you speak out you can kiss goodbye to your job so nothing is changing. DH is in the pork business and when customers complain about prices he asks them to think about why the other guy has lower prices. You want to eat cheap meat go ahead. It will cost you more in the long run when as a restaurant chain you have to deal with food poisoning. He has gotten into a lot of trouble with corporate for changing company material so it doesn't have bull in it. He says the stuff written in Danish doesn't have it because there is no direct translation.

I pray the British don't import the long working hours next. It sucks and is totally counter productive. Mgmt don't know what they want so we underlings flap around trying to figure it out because no one dare ask.