Ds 10yrs being called GAY by classmates. AIBU to complain?

[notgivenupyet]

Ds 2 10yrs is having a horrible time at school, low level teasing seems to be increasing and DS2 doesn't want to go to school because of it. Finally he has opened up and said that todays insults and teasing has involved calling him 'Gay' repeatedly and laughing and that this began last week.

I know some people wrongly use the word Gay to describe trainers they don't like etc but whether it was used like that or in the true sense. It was done to be cruel and nasty and in my opinion its use like this is homophobic bullying.

Background to this is the ringleader is the deputy heads son.

I am so upset and angry.

Please help me decide how to deal with this; dp says don't say anything because whatever happens ringleader will come up smelling of roses and DS with be in a worse situation. HELP?

Remember that headteachers and all below them are accountable to governors, so if you feel that the head isn't taking it seriously you haven't run out of people to go to! In fact, it might be worth copying the chair of govs in to any correspondence, if you feel that the head will be inclined to sweep it under the carpet.

Some good materials here www.stonewall.org.uk/at_school/education_for_all/quick_links/9291.asp

I am sorry to hear this, NotGivenUp.

I think you should be passionately proud that your son is gay and support him as much as you can. It sounds like you are absolutely doing that, and full credit to you.

I moved my son from an inner city to a slight backwater, and gay is the general prejorative insult here. I think its pathetic but its very, very generalised and I don't take it too seriously in one sense. I discourage my son from this, and I believe he does not join in this 'banter' for want of a better word. I hope things will change at secondary school, and it seems to have done a bit so far.

BTW, my son is (I believe) heterosexual, but very occasionally worries he might look "gay". Because he has quite an arty sense of dress! But if you are gay, you should be proud I firmly believe. But this may make some time to realise. You may have a bit of a rocky road ahead but full power to you and thank you for this post.

I don't know what to say about the child being a son of the deputy headmaster. But I think if you go with your heart to the school, you may be fobbed off, but you may also have done the right thing.

sorry, may be gay. you don't know as you say. but either way. all the best x

Bless him, well if he is gay (and you say you suspect he is) he is having an early lesson in how to cope with homophobia.

i think a 2-fold approach might be needed.

boost his self esteem and provide him with tools and coping mechanisms

and yes report to sachool, do whatever you can to have these people kept away- and agree start to keep a diary

will your DH support him if he is gay? In general by aged 10- if you think he is, he might well be. I am not saying you should make a child decide decide thie sexuality- buit get prepared thats all

I hope he will be OK-

I often think it's a mistake for teachers to have their own children at the same school.
It's bound to lead to favoritism.
And is unfair on the other children and the parents, because how do you go about complaining to a teacher or head about their own son or daughter?

I agree ginny, but hard to avoid in a local area.

Maybe sometimes parents need to face up to the reality of their own children, regardless, and it may not always be easy I agree. We don't want to vilify children either who are related to staff.

Hold your horses on him bring gay op. He's 10 so don't put him in any category yet. That's for him to decide but you sound very sensible to be talking about it anyway.

Absolutely complain to the school but do be aware that amongst kids now the word gay doesn't have the same meaning as it used to 10 years ago. My teen dds call shoes/ bed linen etc gay as in it's not their choice or color. So that's lads may not be using the word as you would see it. It's absolutely commen for kids to use it in lots of situations nothing up do with sexuality. It sounds mad but it's quite true.

Whatever you go don't just chat or phone any complaint that will be considered needs to be in writing to the head so email him and the class teacher.

Of course you could always approach the mother face up face and ask her if you can all discuss the situation because you don't want to put it in writing. That may stop it.

Everytime on mumsnet that bullying isn't taken seriously by schools it's because there's no written evidence. So no trail to Ofsted!

Hope your lad is ok and pehaps consider self defence classes to boost his confidence.

You're making assumptions that the deputy and the head wouldn't help out much but please give them the chance to. The dht might be horrified that her son uses 'gay' as an insult, the ht might have a list of people who've complained about the dhts son. If they don't take it seriously, which I'd be surprised at, then you could take it further - to the local authority or even move your child. But that's drastic, go to the ht with the assumption that they will want the children in their school to feel valued and safe.

Definitely complain- and copy complaint to the governors. All schools should be very vigilant about the use of 'gay' as an insult.

The class teacher(s) and form teacher need to clearly show that that language will not be tolerated. The school should have the stonewall 'get over it' materials and be using them.

I kind of agree and disagree about the 'shrug it off' advice given by another poster but I hardly think it's up to the victim of bullying to respond to it effectively, especially at such a young age. It's true that a 'so what?' Or a 'yeah, and?' Or 'get a life' etc might be a response that means the bullying peters out, but still the victim of the name calling should not be put in the position of having to respond to it in the first place. It's the job of the adults in the school to nip this in the bud.

The school should be coming down on this hard.

ginny I completely agree with you. As a TA I have seen it be negative for both children and the teacher parents. Some children become the billy big boots while others are picked on because their parent is the teacher.

It's grossly unfair and I think shouldn't be allowed. And it's worse at high school.

Some posters have suggested that because children use the word 'gay' out of context that it's somehow ok. It is not ok. Children also use the word 'girl' as an insult and that's not ok either. In fact it's even worse in my mind that the word gay, and girl is just generically insulting. And parents who turn a blind eye to this word use - please challenge it. I hate to hear stuff like 'runs like a girl,' and 'stop being such a girl.' It's become far less acceptable to use racial slurs in such a way - how come using sexist and homophobia slurs is more acceptable than the 'n' word? They're all horrible and we need to challenge the assumptions that underpin them in a very strong way. I am a teacher and no child in our school gets away with ever using sexist, homophobic or racist language and it's the sexist and homophobic language which is used if any is. I've not heard of a racial slur being used in years, thankfully. It's now time to be as tough on other demeaning language.

I disagree with the poster who says the use of gay may be not thought through as homophobic by the perpetrators. While gay is used as a pejorative term about everything from pencil cases to the weather by kids in schools that does not mean they don't know full well that it means homosexual and that they are saying bad=homosexual=bad.

Ds came home with 'gay' as a pejorative term aged 6 and when asked knew absolutely that if meant homosexual.

Children will only continue to tease if they get satisfaction doing it. My friend's son is a little 'different'. When he went to secondary school, sure enough, the teasing started. He naturally got upset.

One day we spent an hour with him teaching him to say "so?" and walk away. It worked within a couple of days. Once they realised they couldn't get a rise out of him they stopped.

You will often find that a parent in this sort of position will be even tougher on their own child than on others for fear of being seen as biased.

X posted with makeitabetterplace and totally agree.
There is a brilliant vid on YouTube to show kids called 'just like a girl' I think that shows younger and older girls and boys running 'like a girl', fighting 'like a girl' etc. It is powerful stuff.

Homophobic and sexist language has no place in a school in ANY context, from staff or kids or parents.

Thebodynow sorry but I have to disagree.

the word gay doesn't have the same meaning as it used to 10 years ago. My teen dds call shoes/ bed linen etc gay as in it's not their choice or color. So that's lads may not be using the word as you would see it. It's absolutely common for kids to use it in lots of situations nothing up do with sexuality

If the word gay is used in a derogatory insulting manner then it absolutely becomes an insulting word and therefore hurtful to those of us who are gay & don't want the word to be used in this way.

By dismissing it being used as an insult as "oh just what they do these days" then it doesn't help stamp out homophobia in schools before it becomes entrenched for later life. In my grannys time there was a colour shade called nigger black but you absolutely wouldn't use that or tolerate it in the school yard would you?

This needs to be stamped out. Please go in and make a fuss.

It is completely and utterly unnecessary, I just don't understand kids like this, I really don't. Little gits.

He shouldn't have to bloody shrug it off, people should realise the implications of language and censor themselves if they're unlucky enough to have such a prejudiced brain.

argh. this shit, still, in 2014!

otoh I am really impressed at how you talked to your son about sexuality. You sound like such lovely parents.

Btw I got called gay at school and I am actually gay :) which I knew from very early on. I think one of the things I'm most comfortable with is my sexuality, it makes me happy & I enjoy it, so doubt they did any damage.

"the word gay doesn't have the same meaning as it used to 10 years ago. My teen dds call shoes/ bed linen etc gay as in it's not their choice or color. So that's lads may not be using the word as you would see it. It's absolutely common for kids to use it in lots of situations nothing up do with sexuality"

Not by children who have been taught about homophobic bullying, it isn't.

I do remember my form tutor, this was about eight years ago, coming in looking completely angry and saying, "if I hear ANYONE using the word gay as an insult AGAIN, they'll have immediate detention." She was red in the face and we'd never seen her that upset.

I mean, it didn't change anything, they just hid it better when she was around, but it was one of the very first times I saw an adult stick up for gay people. Gay rights, I suppose! Before that I think I'd only received negative messages about anything to do with that. When I was five I was scared to tell my parents I wanted a girl to come back to play because they might guess I liked her in 'that way'...
Guess what I'm saying is that I wish teachers would be vocal about this in schools....

My ds is 13 and gets called gay because he is into drama and music.it's stopped now since he said a few times, very publicly, to the worst offenders "You're only saying that because you fancy me". But he is very self confident and a rugby player- I wouldn't necessarily recommend it.......!

Recording equipment

put your complaint in a letter to the Head. Copy the letter to the local education authority (so the Head cannot deny he received the letter)

Name names. Don't pushy foot about -name those little thugs who are making your sons life a misery

do it soon

You need thus stamped out before he moves onto senior school.

Hakluyt I like your sons style!!!

I tend to favour the head tilt, wide eyes, "Ooh you say that like its a bad thing" ?

The HEAD has a duty of care to protect the children and staff at the school. It does not matter if the little shit who is bullying your son is the Deputy Heads or not.
It's abusive and disgusting. Yes your son is probably gay but what on earth has that got to do with anyone else.
I find it hard that a Deputy Head would allow his child to act in this way. Write a letter and just keep going until something is done.