to think that someone being thoughtless is worse than them being selfish?

[Bogeyface]

Noticed this on a few threads where someone will say "No he isnt being selfish, he is just thoughtless".

In my book thats worse. If you are being selfish you will think about me and decide "nah, fuck her, I will do what I want and she can just suck it up" but with thoughtlessness I havent even crossed your mind!

So if a husband is being thoughtless, how is that better than him being selfish? It means that his wife means so little that he never gave her a seconds thought, how crushing for the wife that she (and perhaps his kids) are wallpaper, there but never thought about.

I'm not actually sure that there's always much difference between "thoughtless" and "selfish". Thoughtlessness so often tends to be used an euphemism.

Selfishness is worse, I think.

If you've been thoughtless, then I haven't even crossed your mind. If you've been selfish, I at least factored, but you thought 'fuck it' anyway.

I find the latter more hurtful.

The is an absence of intention in thoughtlessness, whereas selfishness is intentional: it serves the individual self. The outcome of selfish behaviours and actions are usually hurtful to the other person/people involved.

Is it not possible to be momentarily thoughtless?

In my experience, people usually say thoughtless when they are covering up selfishness. There is a lot of defending men on here "Oh, he's a real sweetheart really, just a bit thoughtless sometimes"....

Yes of course there is momentary thoughtlessness that we are all guilty of. I am thinking more of when one partner is continuously "thoughtless" and yet it is deemed to be somehow better than them being out and out selfish. Is it? It is still selfish to be thoughtless and never try to address it isnt it?

Or perhaps the line between the two is so fine that you can be either, or, or both! Confusing myself now!

Agree with molotov 's definition,

I did a reply and posted it and the interweb gobbled it up.
Spooky.
That aside I think selfish is worse as its deliberate.

Momentary, accidental thoughtlessness is one thing...especially if you get an apology. Continued or regular thoughtlessness which may be dismissed as "'just' being thoughtless" is, to my mind, thoroughly malicious and there is no difference between that and being deliberately selfish.

I would agree that selfish is worse because it's deliberate.

Thoughtless is not realising that you could help with something. If you realise/are asked directly, you'll probably do it.
Selfish is realising you can help but not being prepared to put yourself out. So you know full well the other person is picking up the tabs. If you're asked you might do it, but begrudgingly, and you certainly won't do unless asked.

Children use "I didn't think" or "I forgot" as a full excuse and explanation. Adults use it as an explanation- and then go on to apologise and say why and how they will do their best not to do it again.