I have had an utterly shit year. In January, we lost my uncle unexpectedly, only months after he had lost his wife. The day after his funeral, my cousin was found dead in his house - no idea of cause of death, and don't think it was ever established. I've lost three other close relatives this year, all within a couple of months of each other. Earlier this year I was diagnosed with cancer - the same cancer that has killed my grandmother, a cousin, two aunts and two uncles (and my mother had it, but has been cured). The hospital, in its wisdom, didn't give me the diagnosis, merely told me that "the earliest available appointment had been made with the oncologist." I was unable to get hold of anyone who could tell me my diagnosis (what stage the cancer was, given that my relatives had all been diagnosed late). I ended up going to the hospital and waiting until someone would tell me - fortunately it was caught early, but I've just had another biopsy and am waiting for the results of this. I'm now having three monthly checks and genetic counselling, to see if I have the faulty gene.
In addition to this, I really hate my job. The job I was recruited for, is not what this job has turned out to be. I have a fancy job title, but am just the office schlepper, doing all the filing and photocopying, despite being a lot more senior (and paid a lot more) than people who should usually be doing this work. There is really no way out of this for another year at least - I have tried to move to another department, but have been told it's not possible, I just have to suck it up.
Last week, two people, who are senior to me, told me that I "look really miserable all the time" and that "it is having a bad effect on the morale of more junior staff, and I need to look more cheerful." They know about the funerals, as I've had to have time off for these, but don't know about my health issues, as I have chosen not to make this public knowledge, although the head of department knows. I really want to tell them to fuck right off to the far end of fuck. Some days I am barely holding it together, and if I look miserable, it's probably because I've spent an hour before coming into work trying to stop crying, because I'm worried about the biopsy results. I am, however, coming in and doing a good job (despite looking miserable). I don't want to tell everyone in the office about the cancer. And I also think they could have been a bit more sensitive - instead of telling me to cheer up, how about asking if there is anything wrong?
I don't particularly want to go to the doctor to get signed off, or to get anti-depressants. I am trying very hard not to let how I am feeling affect my ability to do my job (and have succeeded in this - people like working for me, and I've got very positive feedback on my work this year), but some days, I do really struggle to be cheerful. I don't walk round with a face like a smacked arse all the time, but some days are worse than others. Any ideas how I can cope better with this?