to hate my DH

[minimommymary]

in summary- he's an arrogant, selfish, undermining, twat.

before pregnancy we were perfect. loved being around one another, always socialised together, were best friends.

DD was planned and we had a nice pregnancy. he was still sociable (but we could afford it) and i loved my bump. my friends had babies so we knew this was the right path for us.

since birth he's been unbearable. i bf for 2 months and he hated every moment, was unsupportive, controlling and his mother stuck her nose in with jabs and they used gang up on me. apparently i didn't bf 'right'.

it got so bad i moved back into my parents annix with DD for 2 months. we considered us separated and he took socialising and partying to a new level. money burns a hole in DHs pocket and he spent more than we could afford. really that is the mean reason i came home- to save the situation. id finished bfing and he and i were great for about 2 month. but really that's because i was in control.

the past month has been unbearable. he looks at me like filth, underminds my ability to parent, demands to be in charge even though it took him an hour and a half to get her to bed when i can do it in 15- how hard is it to cuddle and read a story?!

to make matters worse ive found out he's been using a dummy with her behind my back. im on mat leave and he's working full time but apparently is necessary.. well ive never used one?!

this morning she's sleepy as slept AWFUL last night and so she and i were in my bed cuddling silently and she was basically asleep when he swoops in with the shakers and ruins everything! she's now screaming and he's shut them in one of our living rooms. put the TV on loud and i can't get in.

i hate him. i physically hate him. i can't do anymore. we have sex regularly and if not sex then a BJ every night. i couldn't do more for him. I'm not argumentative i just cry. and yet i feel so hated by him. he underminds everything i do and yet my baby is so happy and content when she's with me.

am i unreasonable? should i be grateful that he wants to be involved? or is he being too controlling? i feel like im just the daytime babysitter for him. yet she's moody when she's with him. we used to be perfect. i don't know where to go from here..

Show your parents this thread and I doubt they'll adore him.

LEAVE.

Please leave with your baby and never go back.

Abusive bastard. Don't believe that he'll change. If you stay with him he'll give you and your child a shit life.

LEAVE ASAP

It doesn't matter who wants to be in control.. its a fact that your relationship is not healthy and it's not an environment for a baby to grow into a person in.

You can't see things as clearly as you should when you're inside it. You have to put some space in between you both, catch your breath and let your head clear.

Show your parents this thread. No one would want anyone they love to live like this. Talk to Woman's Aid, tell your friends what's been happening. ITs not normal

If I were you I would seriously wait until he's at work, tell your parents how abusive he is to you AND YOUR DAUGHTER, pack your stuff and go to them tomorrow.

Listen - he will fuck up your child and your relationship with your child. He is abusive. Protect her and yourself and end this horrible relationship now.

No, you don't want to be in control - you want to do what suits and comforts your DD. He wants to do what makes him the boss, even if it upsets and frightens your DD. See the difference? She will. She's already showing you - she's calmer and happier when he isn't there. Think about it, and act now before she's damaged by him.

Phew, good to hear she's with you.

Good plan to get out for a little while.

I think you need to have a very serious re-think about what you want out of a relationship: partners working towards common goals or one or the other of you being 'in control'?

Having a baby throws lots of partnerships in to turmoil, but this having or not having sex as a way to control him and then 'feeling guilty' is just really unhealthy all round.

Unless you find a way to speak to him, honestly and without playing games and him wanting to work on this as much as you do, I cannot see a happy future for the 3 of you here, sorry.

Very best of luck.

should i be grateful that he wants to be involved?
You answered this one yourself. my baby is so happy and content when she's with me. ... yet she's moody when she's with him. His involvement makes your DD unhappy. What's there to be grateful for?

we used to be perfect.
Past tense. It is the past.

i don't know where to go from here..
To the future. A future with separate finances and separate lives.

He won you back to be his daytime babysitter by getting you into debt. Not with flowers, poems and promises of change. No, he partied like a singleton and got you into debt. What an utter bastard.

Run for the hills.

thankyou for everyone's support. she's sleeping so were in the rocking chair and he's downstairs. the term 'abuser' scares me as after all i married this man. taking on board what people are saying about her safety and mine.. we'll be safe with my friend for a few days and hell deff calm down, prob after having a drink!

my hormones are high as im on and so i know im prob not coping well on top of this being a bad day for him. I'm not making excuses- or maybe i am i just didn't want a failed marriage!

I'll take a breather, let her feel calm and safe with my friend and her DD. maybe see my parents next weekend with him and see how he is (that way im in company).

thank you everyone. i feel stronger already xx

Talk to the police and Women's Aid about his behaviour around DD, especially that he tried to lock you away from her. This is important as you want to get to a situation where he isn't allowed to just take her away for weekends etc. so you need it on record that he's abusive and doesn't look after her properly.

You have your parents - lean on therm, tell them the truth. Of course they love him if all they've ever seen is the nice, fun act. Tell them what you've told us and let them see how much he has upset you.

Fuck, if anyone locked the door between me and my crying baby I would go fucking.... Words can't even describe how that would make me feel and what I would do.

Run, don't walk away

I missed the locking your dd away from you. Leave now op. Just you and your dd. straight to your parents. Hope you ok x

Oh op marrying someone does NOT mean you have to lie in the bed you made for fear of "failing". HE has broken his marriage vows by treating you like this, you owe him nothing. However you do it to owe your DD to protect her from this dangerous wanker.

I don't think it's healthy for your child to be in the middle of this, better a failed marriage than a baby in the middle of an abusive marriage.

Op, there are many survivors of abusive relationships on MN, including me. I say survivors because it's a battle to get away.

There are just so many red flags in your posts, this man (and I use that term loosely) won't change and his behaviour will escalate. By staying with him you risk emotional and physical damage to yourself and your dd, is it worth the risk?

Imo you should get out and stay out now, while you've still got some fight left in you. I may sound dramatic, but I stayed for years. It didn't end well.

It's totally understandable not to want a failed marriage, most people go through some version of that feeling. However, who made the marriage fail? The person who displayed terrible behaviour or the person who (finally) walked out the door? Because imo it's the behaviour that ends a marriage, leaving is just the bookend.

Abuse frequently begins when a child comes along so the fact it used to be perfect means little. It isn't now and he is refusing to change. You left once already but that wasn't enough to convince him, it's unlikely leaving again will.

When you go to your parents he will be lovely - because he has to be so they continue to believe he is wonderful. That doesn't/won't change how he is when you are alone. Placating him with sex and backing off is actually enabling his behaviour, you have to change yourself or behave in a way you wouldn't naturally to avoid his moods (which clearly isn't working).

He is abusing you, it won't get better. Obviously you have to get to this conclusion yourself, hearing it from strangers on the Internet isn't enough but I'd suggest you find a way to do that which doesn't involve you being at risk. If you move back to your parents you will most likely find that the behaviour soon starts again when he realises he's losing control - which might convince you - but crucially, you will be safe and so will your child.

Go back to the Annexe and clear your head.

Can you think what has changed his behaviour in last month compared to the previous two good months or do you think that he was just behaving well and now thinks that he is on safer ground to let old habits creep in.

Re bullying on BF I think thats unforgivable but my Mil is anti BF and given the chance would have done same. Standing your ground and moving out to BF in peace was a good thing to do.

At times I have to bite my tongue and let DH look after our baby in peace, his way but I think his behaviour and control are red flags.

Best of luck x

I meant that your DH's controlling behaviour is showing Red Flags

it's a love hate relationship the past month. sex and me backing off usually work

That's not a love hate relationship, that's an abusive relationship.

He was fine before the baby came because his needs were put first. Now he has to take second place and he doesn't like it.

All this time you have been keeping him happy by backing down and having sex with him. Now you can't keep doing that you are seeing his true colours. He is an abuser, you really should get out of this relationship to protect yourself and your dd.

Fucking hell, please leave. You not wanting to have sex with him definitely is not being controlling! I wouldn't want to have sex with anyone who behaved the way he has towards you.

I hope you can go stay with your parents again until you find your feet.

OP it's 2014, not 1914. No one will give a shit if you walk away from your marriage. And to be honest, I think you should be running, not walking. There is nothing to salvage with this man.

He will control himself in front of your parents, as you know.

You ARE making excuses.

It's fully understandable and it's what most people do. This is a scary situation to be in.

Your instincts are NOT off. What you see happening IS happening. Your daughter IS unhappy, and insecure with him.

You CAN leave him and if you did, you and your DD would have a happier life.

Please just leave, you did it before and you can do it again. You don't deserve to feel uncomfortable in your own house and it will only get harder as your baby gets older. I'm sad for you, it's an awful thought that the man you chose to marry is abusive BUT his behaviour is not a reflection on you - at all. He is in control of himself and he's choosing to treat you badly. Be in control of your behaviour and leave him.

I'm sorry you have to face this, you know what you need to do and by posting in here you have tons of support.

It's not a failure to leave a relationship, even a marriage. It doesn't make you a failure xx

Please don't blame your hormones for the way that you feel - he has reared you appallingly, and without love or care about you. I'm sorry that you're seeing sex as a means to making things ok between you - that sounds miserable.

I don't know what's happened to the man you married, but it's clear that he's not doing you, or your daughter, any good right now. You felt it necessary to move out because you were feeding your child... Do your family really still think the sun shines out of him after you moved out with a small baby? Or do you think they're being polite? What do they really know about your situation?

I know that it feels terrible to be contemplating leaving again, and I know that you might feel like people will judge you, but they won't - you will receive love and support from your friends and family - you might be quite surprised.

*treated, not reared - ffs.