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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Difficult wedding invite wording

50 replies

umbongoumbongo · 16/11/2014 00:13

AIBU to ask you how on earth to possibly word this for an invite I am designing for someone please? The bride is having a day and evening set of invites but wants to say to people coming to the evening do that they are also welcome to come to the actual ceremony then leave and return for the evening part (but not be included in the sit down meal in afternoon)? Racking my brains on this one!

OP posts:

ChippingInAutumnLover · 16/11/2014 01:45

I think, as a guest, it's nice to feel welcome but not obliged to go.

rootypig · 16/11/2014 01:53

Hilarious, I had the opposite, about ten people for the ceremony and everyone for dinner.

I mean, surely the answer is, you can't, really? if the invitation is awkward then it's a fat clue that the situation will be too. I can just see the lovely chit chat post ceremony, some people going to the do and others skulking off - the bride excusing herself from well wishers to go and nom her dinner?

But Hacked / Chippings's solution is the only way you could try, not quite a silk purse, but not the sow's ear.

kentishgirl · 17/11/2014 11:05

It's not possible to do this without causing some hard feelings/awkwardness at least with some people.

Everyone who's invited to an evening only wedding knows that probably there was another group of people who got a full day invitation and meal. That isn't a problem unless your nose is being rubbed in it. With the ceremony and breakfast at the same venue, people are going to be left there when the day guests all disappear off for the meal. It's just too 'in their face', I think.

It would be different if the ceremony were at a different venue.

Some of the wording suggestions here have been good, but I still think there'll be some offended people.

How many does she think would want the faff of coming to the ceremony then disappearing till the evening? Probably not many. The ceremony isn't all that interesting, to be blunt, especially in hotel type venues where all the ones I've seen have been over and done with in 15 minutes. Is it worth upsetting other people so that a handful more come to the ceremony?

And in your shoes I'd switch to doing design only. She needs to decide what to do, and what wording to use. If you do it and it goes wrong, you'll get the blame for not wording it better.

Theorientcalf · 17/11/2014 11:28

I think a church ceremony is different in that anyone can attend, that's why random people turn up to watch. I'm not sure you can do this got a civil ceremony as far as I'm aware. Just have evening guests, it's easier.

Haggisfish · 17/11/2014 11:31

I wish more of my friends would do this! I know the expensive part is the meal-if I'm local I would love to go to the ceremony and then rejoin at the evening do. Not that bothered about the meal!

Yackity · 17/11/2014 11:35

If the breakfast is tiny, and pretty much family and very close friends only then I doubt it would cause offence. If the breakfast was larger, and the evening do was larger again, then that's when some people get their noses out of joint - 'Why was X invited and I wasn't? We've known them for just as long', yadda, yadda, yadda.

HappyAgainOneDay · 17/11/2014 13:42

RavenAK I've read your post and wonder (not) why you were on the B team.

TheAlias · 17/11/2014 13:56

I don't think you can mention it at all.

If, as is often the case, the evening guests are mainly the bride and groom's wide group of "second best" friends then they can speak to them informally and tell them they would be welcome to pop in for the ceremony if they want. I think people in this category are surprised/happy to be invited at all, rather than put out to not be invited all day IYSWIM. Close, but not that close family more likely to be offended.

To put something on all the invites is bound to cause offence.

Summerisle1 · 17/11/2014 13:56

Given the single venue, civil ceremony I don't think it is possible for the bride and groom to try and split the day as suggested or at least do so without causing confusion and offence. No matter how clearly the invitation is worded, there will be some 'B' listers who are surprised to discover themselves barred from the wedding breakfast. It is also very difficult, from a practical perspective, to sort the A and B listers. Is there some sort of door security? Only that doesn't really add to the atmosphere at a wedding either!

It'd be different with a church ceremony where I believe anyone can, in theory, just turn up and attend.

Best to accept that some of the guests will attend the whole day - ceremony, wedding breakfast and evening reception - and that others are invited for the evening only. Much easier, far less potential for grief.

TheAlias · 17/11/2014 14:00

I also think that no matter how carefully the invitation is worded there will be at least one guest who doesn't read it properly and sees ceremony at 2pm, thinking that means they've been invited all day.

whois · 17/11/2014 14:12

Chipping has the tone of it right.

PeterParkerSays · 17/11/2014 14:20

I agree with Chipping that you can word it to get the message across "Join us in the evening for our Reception in the Braithwaite Suite.... Our Wedding Ceremony will be held in the Lakeside Room at 1pm if you feel able to join us" etc. but your friend is going to struggle to get them to leave afterwards without realising that others have been invited to more than they have.

"All guests for the wedding breakfast this way please.... I'm sorry madam your name isn't included on the list." It'll be chaos but you'll have done what you can.

blanklook · 17/11/2014 14:23

I know she'd love more people at the ceremony in the hotel but no matter how you word it with that option there are going to be guests who are unhappy for one reason or another.

I suggest two lots of invitations.

The A Listers are invited to the ceremony, meal and evening do.

The B listers are invited to the evening do.

Original poster

umbongoumbongo · 17/11/2014 14:43

Yes I am doing 2 sets of invites; it was just the query over the evening one. I am going to message her today and say the general consensus is that due to the single venue and the fact it is out of town that it is not ideal to try and do a split invite for ceremony/evening. If she comes back saying she REALLY wants to do it anyway then I will put Chippings suggestion to her and see! I'm not sure how many they intend on inviting for the whole day but going on print quantities discussed I don't think it is just very close family which would have made it less offensive. Thanks all

OP posts:

waterrat · 17/11/2014 14:52

I was invited to a wedding with just this situation - there was a lot of awkwardness around it! you can tell her from me - that firstly I did think I was invited all day because the invite mentioned the ceremony - I only realised after making an embarrasing comment to the bride who looked awkward and it clicked in my head that I wasn't actually invited to the meal!

then - on the day - it was a church plus city centre location but you know what, its still not that fun filling several hours between two events - we were huddled together as a group and all ended up in the pub filling time - and this was a really nice city where there was lots to do....

it still felt quite crap, and even though I would not have been at all offended to be just invited to the evening, I did feel a bit weird watching the 'a ' team get into a bus outside the church all cheery heading off for lunch

has she thought about the exact details of what will happen after the ceremony - how will she make sure it isn't really awkward as the two groups split up.

totally naff, just have evening and day

TiggerLillies · 17/11/2014 15:08

Had this recently, we were only invited to the evening section. I quite like Chippings suggestion, as wood have been nice to see the wedding.

Also what is the etiquette with presents when you are on the evening B-list? I'm still trying to work this out!

PinkAndBlueBedtimeScares · 17/11/2014 15:11

My phones being weird and not letting me read the replies but very interested as we are looking to do the same thing!!!

carlsonrichards · 17/11/2014 15:27

Ugggh, how tacky and uncouth. Come see it, then fuck off. The type who do this are usually the tasteless grabby people who tell people to give them money, too.

If she's a friend, I'd tell her how gauche she is.

Theorientcalf · 17/11/2014 16:45

Are you sure the venue really don't care? Most tend to like exact numbers. It's not the same as a church ceremony.

If it's out of town what does the bride expect people to do inbetween?

Bogeyface · 17/11/2014 18:18

Thats a good point.

We had our wedding in a hotel and they wanted to know numbers for the ceremony as the room could only accomodate so many. Churches tend to be less strict but hotels have strict capacity regulations due to fire etc. Its all very well saying "come to the ceremony if you like" but how will the evening guests feel if they do make the effort to go and then get turned away?

Chaseface · 17/11/2014 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsHerculePoirot · 17/11/2014 22:20

We have been invited to the ceremony and evening do and it was great! They only had a very intimate family and very close friends (eg bridesmaids) meal. The invite was essentially to the evening do, with a note saying we were welcome at the ceremony if we fancied it basically. We all got dressed up, went to the ceremony, all went to a pub together and had burgers and chips and drinks in the sunshine and then off to the evening do. It was a really lovely day - no-one was pissed off or felt outcast, but we all knew each other and had decided a pub in advance.

MulderAndScully · 17/11/2014 22:39

We attended a wedding like this, as the 'not better friends'. My dp had received the invite and we had both 'read' it as being invited to a wedding with a celebration. We were mortified when we realised what the deal was. We were staying in a hotel and were able to go away and come back again but the whole wedding left a bad taste in my mouth. At the time (going back 12 years) I thought it was horrific.

I have since found out that this is quite 'normal' for some people so read invitations very carefully now.

We decided to invite guests and their children to our entire wedding, we just made it a smaller affair.

Chipping's suggestion seems to spell out what the deal is — I think clarity is vital, then guests can decide, which bit, if any of it, they want to attend rather than show up and feel like they've been slapped in the face.

Original poster

umbongoumbongo · 18/11/2014 02:22

Well just to update: the venue wouldn't have a problem with extra capacity for the ceremony. It isn't a hotel but is set up permanently for large assembly groups far larger in number than the entire wedding party. Anyhow, I relayed the responses I got here and she has agreed that it would be best to leave it off the evening invites altogether to avoid offence and awkwardness. If anyone asks specifically who is local enough to make it a short journey then she can tell them they are welcome to come to ceremony also should they wish to. Thanks for all the feedback!

OP posts:

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 18/11/2014 07:19

Thank goodness! Her original idea was utterly dreadful. You just can't do that. If it's in a church and you have local friends you can say, informally, (and in person so no misunderstandings) that they are welcome to the church if they want to come but you just can't put it on an invitation and especially not if it's one venue. Imagine coming for the ceremony, then what? Hanging about in the car park until the speeches were over? Hideous.

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