or is my mum?

[NameyNameChanger1]

Haven't had great relationship with my mum as an adult though were close when I was younger. No particular reason in particular so I thought, but we just were no longer so close. Thought it was normal progression, as I was an adult living my own life.

Yesterday I recieved a long email from her, the short version of which is basically that she feels pushed out by me and rejected. Reason: I have never consulted with her about life plans, I've just made decisions and told her about them after makng them. eg, applying for jobs, deciding what job to take, deciding to move to a different place (went to uni in another place so wasn't like i'd been living at home), buying a house etc.

I've always been independent and never really considered having those conversations with her. Discussed with DP of course as they affected the both of us. Me and DP have lived together a long time, met at uni. She said she expected to have been involved in the decision making.

WIBU to make decisions on my own? I think I'm not and that her expectations are a bit much especially as they were never expressed at the time of me saying I was doing the things she brought up.

Also... now i wonder if I'm supposed to start having fake 'what should I do?' conversations with her regarding our wedding (well it will be a civil partnership). We haven't yet announced it but already have the plans in place re location, ceremony, whose going to be invited etc. (she is of course on the invitation list). It's ust going to be a small registry office thing, no wedding party or anything like that, with a dinner with just family and a few close friends after. Its basically all arranged besides the actual date, want to make sure everyone's free first after we make the annoucement (soon). WIBU to not discuss these plans with her beforehand? I'd like our relatioship to be better, but now since that email I think the civil partnership thing will look like i heard what she said but still don't care enough to involve her even though it had already been decided on.

FWIW my sister still lives in the same town, never left, so she's very involved in her life, so maybe she's basing her expecations of me on that.

I'd say if you still needed (as opposed to wanted) to involve your mum in all your life decisions at 34, she'd have done something very wrong. It is a parent's job to bring their child up to be independent.

There's nothing wrong with a mum wanting to be more involved, perhaps being a bit wistful about it, indeed (as a mother of adults and near-adults myself) it's perfectly natural; but being "off" with your own daughter because she's grown up like... well, like a grown-up is a bit unhealthy IMO.

My mum used to say the same to me so I did start telling her stuff but in reality she wasn't interested. Maybe you could talk more but I wouldn't ask her advice just to do it because then you're in the whole drama if her giving you advice that you don't take.

As for your wedding, stick to your guns! I recently got married on mum didn't like pretty much every aspect of what we had planned. She even sent me menus of 'better' caterers (we had fish and chips from the local chippy) and wanted us to go and look at 'better' venues (we had the village hall which looked gorgeous when we'd done with it.) anyway, it caused many rows and she got in a proper huff about it but on the day she was overwhelmed wi how lovely everything was and has been telling anyone who'll listen how it was the best wedding she's been to.

We don't have any contact at all now, but that's a whole other story and not really related to her need for information.

Maybe find another way of communicating with her. So instead of asking her advice just telling her what's going on and speculating about how things might turn out?

At 34 and in a longterm relatonship, her email to you is odd to say the least. By this age you might run things by her but she wouldn't form any part of the decision-making, you would do it on your own or together with your DP.

There is a slight overtone of homophobia as I suspect she wouldn't mind you and your husband making decisions together but she may not see your samesex relationship as real.

I am also wondering if your sister has been the golden child but as a result has never been able to leave home or become an independent adult.

BTW I am very close to my mum and made all the decisions about my wedding by myself with no grief from her whatsoever - she'd be disappointed if as a grown woman I couldn't do it be myself!

So I am suspicious that there is more to this than a normal mum feeling a bit lonely.

I'd respond saying that 'I'm sorry that you felt like that and thought you would have been pleased that she'd brought me up to be independent. Obviously at 34 and in a committed relationship I'm making a lot of these decisions together with my partner - who I'm delighted to say I'll be getting married to in the new year. I hope you'll be as excited as we are and we will be sending out save the dates soon'

parents have a very odd outlook on their kids becoming adults ime. my mum will tell anyone ready to listen that I actively didn't include her in my wedding planning. the truth was I tired very hard to include her and was met by a brick wall of disinterest at every turn so I gave up.

you don't have to include her, the decisions are yours to make and to be honest she is being pretty entitles to be insisting that you discuss it with her and more so to be pissed off that you didn't.

If you're up to it, I'd suggest phoning and talking it over. Say you've never meant to push her out, and that you greatly appreciate the upbringing she gave you to enable you to feel confident in your own decisions. You could say you were surprised to find out she's feeling this way, and a bit hurt that she hid it so long. You can say while you love her, you really don't need her input in your decisions, and you don't want to have fake conversations about things, because you know your own mind. And then ask if there is a way forward to make her feel involved.

I would think it very strange for a 34 year old to need to ask their mother to help with making important decisions, and I think it very strange indeed that the mother seems to this is the way things should be. Especially romantic decisions. A parent can support a child through emotional turmoil, but can't make a decision for them!

And when she starts talking about her dogs say 'this is what I mean, I call you to chat and all you do is talk about the dogs. Makes me feel like you are only interested in them, and hence I don't share with you.'

What Balaboosta said. I think it's more about her wanting just to be a bit closer to you, but maybe she can only think about it/express it in terms of wanting to be involved in decisions. I think hesterton "Tell her she did such a good job of bringing you up to be strong and independent, she only has herself to blame. Say with a smile and a hug and do exactly what you want regarding your civil service" is a good response, but also see what you can do to enable her to feel a bit closer to you. I think this would be a kind thing to do and also appropriate as she's your mum and she obviously did a great job in bringing you up!
I'd be sad if my dds didn't involve me at all, but I wouldn't expect to have a say or mention it to them.

YANBU to go about living your life without consulting her, however YAB a little bit U not to involve her in wedding planning - give her flowers or something.

If you're relationship hasn't really been like that before, then the email seems a bit strange and out of the blue.

I probably do consult my mum but not like I need her permission or approval or anything, just that we are quite close and we enjoy talking.

I think the email is peculiar to say the least. As an over 30, independent women why on earth would you give your Mother a right of veto over your decisions. Slippery slope in my opinion OP - you start inviting comment, then your emails will be 'you never follow my advice wah wah wah'. Keep going on as you are.

Thanks everyone for your advice, i'm not going to respond to her by email but think I'll talk about it to her on the phone. Me and DP were going to dress shop together but I could include mum in that too, maybe I'll invite her to come and stay for a weekend. She prefers I go there but going for Christmas and can't really go twice in a short space of time.

There is a slight overtone of homophobia as I suspect she wouldn't mind you and your husband making decisions together but she may not see your samesex relationship as real

Could be. I remember her saying when I was younger that it would be dispapointng to her if I didn't marry a man in the end. But I think she's had time to get over that? I wonder if she wants to have more of a family around and as my sister isn't in a relationship and she knows me and DP arent prioritizing having DC she is wondering if she's not going to have the 'traditional' family thing with either of us. We might want kids but putting careers first right now as we're working towards setting up our own firm. DC will come later if the time's right.