My DD is 10, was 5 when ex'D'P and I separated. They didn't have a great relationship when we were together but she's gotten much closer to him since we split up and really adores him now.
I've now remarried and DD and DH have a great relationship..... He's so good with her, but at first she was quite jealous at having to share me again. It was tough for a while but DH put in the time and effort and they genuinely love each other now.
ExP (DDs dad) has been with his partner for a couple of years and their relationship is pretty non existent. Again DD was jealous, but instead of trying to take things slowly they refused to..... cuddling on the couch/holding hands etc and when DD would try to take his other hand she'd be told to stop being needy. They've been away on holiday a few times and kept it from her, but didn't attempt to hide 'evidence' such as photos etc. This has added to the resentment DD has, being lied to (plus she's never been taken away with her dad).
Now I can appreciate it must be so hard being the person coming into a relationship and your partner having a child, but it seems as though this woman just gave up trying. DD used to stay overnight once a week and would sometimes tell of going over there and her dad's partner didn't say Hello or Goodbye, and not very much in between. Apparently there's loads of arguments at their house (which I believe as exDP is quite a volatile person and v argumentative). So the whole combination has made DD reach the decision that, while she still wants to see her dad, she doesn't want to have to go to his house. She doesn't want to see his DP as they have no relationship and feels quite uncomfortable when there. Instead, she's happy to see him for a few hours away from his house...eg, go to the cinema, bowling, for lunch and so on. But her dad has refused point blank. Says if she won't go to his house then she doesn't see him at all! And into the bargain has accused me of being unreasonable by not forcing her to go! She's so unhappy going over and at times has had nightmares about being there. I would love for all to be well and good and have never tried to stop him seeing her...in fact I've always had to encourage him to step up to being a dad to her as at one point he didn't attempt to see her for a full month and She had said at the time she felt he didn't love her.
I really don't want to force her to do something which makes her unhappy but he's now saying I'm a disgrace and generally trying to make me feel a shit parent. DH and I have tried several times speaking to exDP and his DP explaining how difficult things were for us at the beginning, telling them to persevere and to include her in things....but then heard on the grapevine that they felt patronised.
He's saying he'll not be dictated to by a child and has told DD that if she'll not see his DP at his house then she doesn't see him at all.... basically making her fee l as though it's all her fault.
I know that I'm only protecting my child but he's making me feel partly responsible too.
Sorry for this long post...there's so much more to this story tbh but that's the present issue in a nutshell.
Do I allow their relationship to gradually fizzle or continue to push it? TIA x