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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is he beng unreasonable ??

115 replies

Milly101 · 12/11/2014 19:50

My brother has 7 year old daughter his ex partner lives in one of his houses rent and council tax free brother also pays a generous amount in child support ( I think he feels guilty and this is a way of easiing conscience break up entirely his fault)
They've been split up for 5 or so years both have moved on and are fairly friendly ex has been in relationship with a lovely bloke for maybe 3 years brother and him have met get on fine no issues there.
Ex announced to my brother at drop of on Sunday night that her partner has his 2 bed flat on the rental market and when he finds suitable tenants he is going to move in with brothers ex and daughter, brother says fine no problems but they will have to pay the going rate for rent.
I can't help but feel this is fair,both my mother and his ex seem to think this is wholly unreasonable and a bit controlling.
Is he being unreasonable ?

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 12/11/2014 20:37

I would hope her new partner would want to pay his way when he moves in and not take from her ex.

ApocalypseThen · 12/11/2014 20:38

No, that's not what I said. I said he should probably pay rent, but her financial circumstances may not improve because he moves in and she could find, if she needs to find half the rent, that she's much worse off.

Catsarebastards · 12/11/2014 20:39

The brother has no idea what access the ex will have to new man's money so I think taking action to alter her circumstances is premature.

Thats not his concern or problem. He is being told that he is now letting his house to another person aside from his ex and child, he is entitled to alter the arrangement to reflect that. It is HIS house. He isnt running a charity. If she has no access to new man's money then she is very silly to set up home with him. Unless of course she was expecting her EXp to foot the bill forever.

Bogeyface · 12/11/2014 20:41

£70k joint income and they are objecting to paying rent? I think I will get on to my ex H and tell him can the mortgage on this place for me!

I suggest he says that if she doesnt want to then she is welcome to find somewhere else, see how long before she backs down in the face of an unsecured tenancy that could see her moving every 6 months......

Bogeyface · 12/11/2014 20:42

he can pay the mortgage

TsukuruTazaki · 12/11/2014 20:43

Your brother has been extremely generous tbh

I think he is fair enough to ask for market rent. If they don't like it they can rent something else.

Jolleigh · 12/11/2014 20:46

Not at all unreasonable. If she were unemployed, I'd say that given she's previously been allowed to be fairly reliant on your brother, half rent would be fairer. But she's got a fairly decent job and her new partner is on a very good wage. Frankly, I'm curious about the ex's argument here...a combined income of 70k+ and arguing over paying rent for the first time in 5 years??

DixieNormas · 12/11/2014 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 12/11/2014 20:56

Your brother's ex can't expect to live rent free for the rest of her life nor can she expect your brother to subsidise her new partner, that would be taking the piss.

YANBU

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 12/11/2014 20:58

Meant to say she would expect to have to pay rent sooner or later, whether that be when their dd moved out or in circumstances like this.

Jolleigh · 12/11/2014 20:59

In fact, I'm astonished that it didn't occur to the ex and her new partner to discuss rent at the point they were discussing moving in together. If the ex fully expected for her new partner's arrival to have no effect on her very generous rent-free circumstances and this has come as a shock, she sounds pretty damn entitled.

Winterbells · 12/11/2014 21:03

Agreed with Dixie. I think he is being totally reasonable.

Gunznroses · 12/11/2014 21:07

I'm gobsmacked that people think OP's brother should pay for the ex's rent and tax (completely free in his property, which i assume he also maintains), AS WELL as child maintenance and on top of that pay for ex's new boyfriend's rent and tax. OP your brother is extremely generous!

Ijustworemytrenchcoat · 12/11/2014 21:08

I think it's bizarre his ex and her new partner would expect to live rent free at his expense. As long as he continues to pay Child Maintenance I don't see the problem and don't think it's a way to control her at all.

She's hardly financially dependent on him if she is receiving Maintenance and her new partner earns a decent amount. She has been lucky so far, most men could not afford to provide a house rent free and pay maintenance to their ex.

DamselNotInHerDress · 12/11/2014 21:22

Your dbro has been financially more than generous. I can't believe that 2 grown ups would honestly expect to live rent free whatever the circumstances to be honest.
Where are their senses of pride fgs?
I'd suggest they move out altogether and try and find somewhere else to freeload, see what they can rent with £0. Cheeky buggers.

TheRealMaryMillington · 12/11/2014 21:39

I think its utterly bizarre that they would want to live there tbh

They have had an unconventional, generous set up for several years.

Now would be a good time to review it given the change of circs (and the passing of time - your brothers DD was only a baby when they split, now at school etc). I think it is perhaps a bit unreasonable of your brother to make a knee-jerk reaction without discussion. But equally unreasonable to expect the new partner to make no contribution to his own and new family's home.

If the provision of rent free home has been instead of paying maintenance, it is time for your brother to change that. Then they can choose to still live there or not whilst paying an appropriate level of rent.

YellowTulips · 12/11/2014 21:43

I don't think your brother is being unreasonable.

Paying child support and subsiding his ex's rent to date in order to maintain a good lifestyle for her and his DD was the right thing to do IMHO if he could afford it.

However her circumstances have now changed and the income of the household increased from 25k to £70k. He's not as I understand rescinding any other financial obligations to his ex or DD, simply ending a very generous level of support that is no longer appropriate.

As long as the rent is at market rates then is what they should pay or find somewhere else. He's not in control - they have total freedom in how to respond.

His risk now is that they look elsewhere and move to a location less convenient in terms of his access, in which case you could argue all the cards are really held by his ex......

Original poster
Milly101 · 12/11/2014 21:54

The going rate for my brothers house is around £850 per month,brother done a bit of snooping and found he has his flat on market for £585 a month so my brother has said just give him £585 a month, this has been met with a huge protest from ex who has managed to get mother on side :/

OP posts:
YellowTulips · 12/11/2014 22:17

Ok so he's even offering a discount.

They sound very entitled to me.

Upshot is if they don't like it they can move to a flat at the going rate of £850 or find somewhere cheaper.

Worried about the ex in a sense that is her new man moving in for love or as a cocklodger?

Quite frankly I'd have a bit more pride and independence than to want to be subsidised by my OH's ex.

I think your brothers should stick to his guns

Balaboosta · 12/11/2014 22:31

Can't believe the answers on here. This is why I would hate to live in a property owned or part owned by my ex. Db's responsibility is to his daughter. The costs of putting a roof over her head don't change if new partner moves in. (Except maybe council tax which new partner should pay). It's the mother's right to live with whoever she wants to live with. Totally wrong for brother to profit from that. Entitled? Rubbish. Where are all of you that call yourselves feminists? X-gf has right to lead her own life. He doesn't get to control her decisions. If he's trying to control her life then that's called, er, controlling. Nah. This is about providing for the child. And can't believe posters saying he's been over-generous. He's the father and he's left and blimming well should be providing properly for her.

TheRealMaryMillington · 12/11/2014 22:41

Has he been giving her rent-free accommodation in lieu of the appropriate amount of child maintenance?

because that would be really controlling tbh

if he is paying the full amount of child support on top of rent free accommodation it's slightly different. In either case they need to review and formalise their arrangement and agree what is fair in terms of long term support - regardless of whomsoever the ex chooses to live with (or not)

Damnautocorrect · 12/11/2014 22:48

Absolutely fair to ask for something from the new partner.
There was a similar post a few months back where a man moved out and wanted to let his wife stay rent free, general consensus was sell the house it's too messy when a new partner moves in.

onehellofaride · 12/11/2014 22:49

Your brother has been more than fair of course they should pay the rent. I am Shock that people would think otherwise!

Jolleigh · 12/11/2014 22:49

But Balaboosta the child maintenance he's paying goes towards all aspects of maintaining his child and he's asking for rent at a significantly reduced rate. Yes, in an twisted ideal world, any man who's fathered a child before a split would go on to support the mother to such an extent that pretty much all money she earns herself can be used for utilities and luxuries. But we live in a realistic world...he's been extremely generous, gone well above and beyond what most separated fathers do and done so for 5 years. Why should his ex now have a household income, before his maintenance payments, of 70k+ with only utilities to account for while he has 2 mortgages minimum to pay and child maintenance payments? Does that sound equal to you?

TheJiminyConjecture · 12/11/2014 22:50

Balaboosta Of course the ex gf has the right to live her own life. She seems to be expecting her ex to provide far more than many people would deem reasonable. Most people's largest bills are rent/mortgage and council tax. It is incredibly generous to remove them.

Plus the op's brother is paying generous maintenance on top of this - even without the 'free home', that is providing for his child.

If the ex gf was receiving benefits they would be effected by her cohabiting. Rightly or wrongly, that is the way it is deemed fair by the government. Why should the db not expect similar?

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