to wonder if it's ever ok for the NRP to not pay maintenance?

[marysafairy]

If the resident parent is better off, is it ok for the NRP to not contribute at all? Better off doesn't necessarily mean rich, but a comfortable standard of daily life.

I ask because my second husband and I can afford a reasonable lifestyle raising my kids from a previous marriage. He is the main breadwinner and I earn fluctuating amounts on a monthly basis depending on how much work I get or do. We are planning for the kids to go to uni, and have to save a significant amount for this as they are in their early teens (we're not in UK so won't get student loans).

Their father refuses to contribute, saying that we have more so can bear the burden of bringing them up, and that it wasn't his choice to split up. If we received a contribution, we would have more for savings and luxuries.

We also have to pay a significant amount for the kids to visit him as I feel its good for them to have a relationship with their father, but my husband really is starting to resent this. All polite attempts to ask ex to contribute have failed. I would rather never take a penny from him but this is not fair on my H.

AIBU? If not, if you have any experience or suggestions on how to handle a complete narcissist they would be welcomed.

There's other ways to keep in touch with your child if they can't visit very often, Skype, phone calls, email, facebook, letters. Distance really shouldn't stop a relationship between the NRP and their child.

I've never asked for maintenance from my XH.
I would if my circumstances changed. But right now I don't earn that much less than him, and though I'm RP the split is about 60/40 and we both need to maintain a home for her. I don't see any "moral" obligation for him to give me money.
I did insist on (with no drama from him) half her childcare fees.
I pay out a fair bit more because I'm the one that arrange her various activities. But if I did tell him I wanted half, I think he'd cough up.

If he didn't see her much, I'd insist on maintenance.

But I think you can have a situation like mine where you choose not to have it.

Shame the arsehole has bleated to his new girlfriend about having to pay to keep his daughter...

I wouldn't be happy if I were your new partner though. It sounds like he is the one actually doing the subsidising?

I disagree, Needaholiday. Even if the NRP isn't working they should contribute something. It's their child too and the financial costs of raising a child shouldn't be the burden of one parent only.

I am in the same position. Ex has been a student, unemployed and now on low income since we split nearly 10 years ago, while I have earned a reasonable wage throughout. He still seems very bitter about it all and refuses to pay anything to me. He gives about £10 a month direct to dd1 (which he says is his maintenance payment) and nothing to dd2 who has severe SN - thankfully she is not aware of this inequality .

No it's not OK. They still have a responsibility to their child, regardless.

Somehow my exp pays just £5 per week for two children, according to the CSA that's because he earns less than £100 per week. However he can afford 2 weeks abroad at least once a year, has expensive hobbies and boasts on Facebook about his various purchases.

I earn a good wage and my DC don't do without. But that's not the point, he should pay a reasonable amount because they are his children too. If he contributed to school uniform or shoes/school trips that would be better, but no.

I've given up now after 8/9 years, it's not worth my time or effort.

Thank you all for your opinions.

[The security of having both parents committed enough to your welfare that they both financially support you is worth a lot more than just the monetary amount that is paid.]

This is so true. The kids don't know that I have approached their dad and I've never spoken about finances to them. I think they would be shocked to realise their dad won't contribute for them.

I have to be clear - my husband from the day he moved in with me and the kids has never begrudged them anything - he treats them like his own kids and pays for extra classes and fun activities, and takes them clothes shopping etc without any resentment.

The problem came when recently my ex recently splashed his cash on a holiday that showed that he has much more than he's been letting on, and my H felt that if he's got extra, he should be making a contribution. He is not expecting ex to pay anything near what it costs to raise the kids, just to make a contribution.

I moved to UK away from ex when we split. There was no way I could live, work and maintain us where we were living (African country) in any safety. We have now moved to a new country. Travel back to the African country costs more and is less convenient than when we were in London.

Also, we live in a wealthy country, but it costs a lot to live there. Education, housing, monthly expenses etc are high. We are very lucky and don't have financial 'worries' like debt, but there are a lot of things we can't do because we don't have the money like go away on long weekends or afford skiing lessons or trips like a lot of people around us. We have one family holiday a year.

Comparing lifestyles, my ex has a massive house and garden with pool, a luxury 4x4, has lots of getaways and seems to always have the latest technology. He lives in a place with lower costs even if he does earn less. He buys the kids ipod touches and laptops, but then when we have asked for a contribution, he just says that it's my responsibility to bring them up as I live in a wealthy country and have the opportunity to make more money than he ever will.

I think that travel costs are down to the parent which moved?? I'm not certain about this, it's what I've assumed from reading a lot a few threads on here

That is personal opinion and not an actual rule.

NRP's can get a reduction in CM if they are responsible for significant travel costs for contact if the CSA was dealing with it I think the CMS also do the same variation

Thank you, NeedsAsock

Please don't tell them that he's not paying if you can avoid it. I had no choice as the numpty would only pay it into ds's bank account. It pretty much destroyed the little relationship they had, and my son has self esteem and anxiety issues anyway and saw this as his father not wanting him (ds) to eat or keep warm, so ds saw it as his father wanting him to starve. Not really a surprise that he has self esteem and anxiety issues

There probably are some situations in which it is OK for the NRP not to pay, but this doesn't sound like one of them.

I suppose I can see why he he is justifying to himself not paying for their travel since technically it was you who moved away. But presuming it was never your joint plan to live in Africa forever, coupled with the fact that he isn't paying any maintenance, even this line of argument seems extremely tenuous.

You are in a tough situation though, since presumably the fact that you both live in different countries makes it hard to claim through CSA or similar?

Plus I understand that you want to continue to support your children's relationship with their father, even though the father is taking the piss it would be a massive step with far-reaching consequences if you stopped facilitating contact.

Could you point out that them going to uni will cost a lot and would he like to set up savings accounts in their name and pay directly into them, so the money doesn't even go through you?

I just hope that one day the children will be old enough to see past the iPods and treats and take on board the fact that he paid nothing for them, and judge him accordingly.

I agree this doesn't sound like a situation where not paying is ok, far from it.

I've never had any money from my Ex. He said he'd rather be unemployed than let me have a penny.

I'm lucky in that I don't 'need' his money. The fact I can manage financially without him also probably really gets on his nerves, because he was convinced I wouldn't / couldn't. Arse.

We have tried that riverboat (asking him to pay into a uni savings fund was how we initially tried to get him to contribute). His response was to send them money directly via paypal. . This is the first time he has done so, and is directly in response to us asking him for money.

This has really annoyed my h (and me) as it is a very direct way of saying 'stuff you' to both of us. It also doesn't help as my kids will just fritter it away on starbucks, games and makeup, and they already get pocket money from us.

Velvetspoon sounds a lot like my ex. Arse indeed.

It's OK if the RP is happy with it. I get nothing from my ex and wouldn't have it any other way.

Otherwise not so good.

How about paying their pocket money into savings and NRP pays them their frivolous spending through Paypal...

Well there was a thread on here a while back, where it was suggested and accepted that instead of giving money to his disabled university aged daughter (which he was refusing to do as she is an adult), she would have a credit card from his account and would put all her books on that.

I think that in a situation where the RP is in a comfortable financial position, then the option of paying into a fund for uni or house deposit, or paying for specific things like school trips etc is an acceptable arrangement.

But in your case the diferent countries different chances argument is a red herring. But I think you know that already. As you say compare the lifestyle.