To be wary of grandfather because he smacks?

[blushingmare]

A couple of weekends ago we had my inlaws to stay and also DH's sister and her little boy, who is just over 2 and an active little chap. DFIL has little patience with him!

There was an incident when our nephew was running towards a lamp as if going to touch it. His mum shouted "no" loudly and he stopped in his tracks and turned round. A good 20 secs or so after he'd stopped, DFIL got out of his seat and went and smacked him (not hard) on the bottom - of course he cried.

I was appalled. I personally would rather not smack any child and will try hard not to use this as discipline with our own children. But regardless of how you feel about smacking in general, the timing was awful - he effectively punished him for obeying his mother!

DPIL are keen to help out with childcare when I go back to work after having DC2, but this has really made me think twice about it. DH thinks I'm overreacting and it wasn't a big deal, but I would be furious if he smacked one of our children.

I don't think the smacking is the big issue here. I'm not saying it's good, but even if he could guarentee he wouldn't actualy smack your DCs he still wouldn't be suitable would he? You said he has little patience with children and in the inceident you described his misjudgement about discipline wasn't simply about choosing to smack, he decided to discipline your nephew in his mother's presence without discussion and for doing as his mother had told him! He just doesn't sound like someone suitable for giving children over to.

Thanks, well it's good to know my instincts weren't wrong here!

I agree with posters that have said it's not just about the smacking. I felt like he was using it as a point to make that the child needs "disciplining" and that was how it should be done. TBH I find his whole relationship with my nephew quite sad really - he doesn't seem to like him at all and clearly favours our children and often refers to our nephew as "naughty", to which I'm always very quick to reply that he's not at all - he's just a normal spirited 2yo.

I'm not sure what SIL made of it. When he cried, she just said to him "well Grandpa was doing that because he didn't want you to hurt yourself", but she didn't say anything to DFIL though. I'd find it hard to imagine that they would be pro-smacking, but DH's family are so laid back about everything, maybe she just didn't think it was a big deal. They live abroad and don't see much of the grandparents anyway, so I guess it wouldn't be a regular issue for her.

DH and I have never really discussed our views on smacking, but we've never smacked DD and I would like to think neither of us would deliberately use it as a punishment. DH is so uber laid back about things and just sees it as a non-issue - he says he reckons DFIL wouldn't smack our's anyway because he feels so differently about them, which may be true, however wrong and sad that is.

DPIL wouldn't be involved in regular childcare. My parents would be doing it, but they would stand in if my parents are away/sick etc. And to be honest it's DMIL who does all the looking after really, DFIL doesn't get hugely involved. I completely trust DMIL, who wouldn't hurt a fly, in fact I have to encourage her to be a bit stricter with DD on occasion, but obviously DFIL would be around the children when I'm away. The whole episode has made me feel really uncomfortable about DFIL's attitude to children, but I'd hate to deny DMIL some quality grandchildren time as she absolutely dotes on them and rarely gets to see DSIL's DS.

Oh and, yes, looking back, perhaps I should have said something at the time when it happened, but I just didn't feel it was my place seeing as his mother was there. I did exclaim in shock quite loudly!

He sounds quite cruel.

How and why would he cold bloodedly stand up and smack a 2 yo who had, miraculously, done what his mother asked and stopped?

I think too much is being taken for granted in all this laid-backness.

Discuss this incident with your DH and make sure he knows why you think it was a horrible thing to do.
Be very explicit that for you it would be a massive deal if anyone hit your kids.
Get DH to commit to you that he will never hit your kids
And tell him that unless he explicitly tells your ILs that no-one must EVER hit your kids and the ILs agree, you will not be leaving them with them.

Just get it said, out in the open, clear and direct.

One of my BIL smacks and so he is not allowed around ds unsupervised. My dad is a serious safeguarding risk and is totally nc.

Hell, no.

Vile man. That would be the last time I saw him.

I would tell him quite clearly that if he smacks my child, I will smack him - HARD. There are absolutely no circumstances under which I would put up with anyone smacking my child.

I'd be doing the same as CatHackney and telling him if he ever hit my child I'd hit him. I certainly would never leave my children with him