Reading DS' Messages

[Pupsiecola]

DS is almost 12 (year 7). I've become a bit concerned about a "friendship" with a girl at school. He is very very shy. A few alarm bells have been ringing. One day last week this girl's mum called to say someone from our number had been calling her daughter's mobile and of course she was concerned. One day he and a friend "missed" the school bus then walked an odd way home from school (we are new to the area and he could easily have got lost).

Anyway, I know they message so I read some. Not all - I just skimmed them to get a general gist. I feel really shitty about this. My mum read my diary when I was about 15 and I never forgave her lol. (I would not read DS' messages at that age!). But he is a very shy 11 year old who has had quite a sheltered life.

Having read the messages I am so very proud of how he is conducting himself. He is being very thoughtful and sweet. He is also staying true to himself and not saying anything to please her (for example he said he likes a certain movie, she said she thinks it's dull, he said well he likes it but of course everyone can have their own view etc.).

She's already "dumped" him once (the day her parents found out about him calling her, and him walking past her house (ie the day he walked home the wrong way from school)). She said they're too young etc etc. Now it's back on. So he's being messed about a bit and I know that will be how things are for years but still, he obviously feels unable to talk to us about it. (Younger DS, 9, loves our bedtime chat about what happened with his special friend today).

I want to tell him how proud I am of him. I want to reassure him that he's doing the right things. I want to be there when his heart gets broken or when he gets anxious. (I now know that this is happening and can tie it in with his moods and it seems really unfair to not be able to acknowledge that to him).

I first had my heart broken aged 12 when the object of my affection chose my best friend's sister. I was in tears and told my mum. She thought I was being ridiculous. I don't want to make a massive deal out of this for DS, but I am aware it's a big deal for him.

I want him to trust us, but how can he if I tell him I read his messages? I feel like he's alone in this.

Any words of wisom?

Don't tell him!

Keep this to yourself

Carry on talking about general relationship issues.

Don't tell him! That will embarress him!

I'm not going to tell him. I am going to have to be really clever in trying to talk to him but not be really obvious. It is so important to me that my DSs grow up to be loving, caring men and not afraid to show it.

Was I wrong to read them though?!

You're obviously already doing a great job if he's being so polite and respectful in his messages. Don't let on that you know, just keep chatting away to him, reinforcing that men should respect women and letting him know that he can always talk to you if he needs to x

But don't read them again! He is entitled to privacy and if he finds out you read his texts he'll have a hard time trusting you in future

Aw that's lovely. Just keep your eye. Iv just got this to come, the thought of ds having his heart broken breaks my heart! But it's all about growing up I suppose :( .

Thank you and that is a great point Raising. But I also want to instil in him that women should respect men as well. I think he is going to be like me - led by the heart. I don't want him to be messed about!

Yes you were wrong to read them, of course you were. Bloody hell!

Your ds would not take kindly to finding out. Don't be clever and try and work it in generally.

When my dd was that age, I would have read communications if I was concerned about her welfare. She knew that having a phone meant that I could look at any time. I have only done it once, and what I found justified it.

I don't think you did wrong. I think you can step back a little though.

no you were not wrong to read his messages - my DH has our DS's (also 12) messages come to his IPad. When our ds got a phone he was told that we would have full access to it as part of the deal, so he has no expectation of privacy. He's only 12 and they can get into trouble online, so I believe its my job as a parent to keep an eye on what is going on. Luckily like the OP's ds he is being sensible and respectful in his communications and I've not had a need to deal with anything bad.

Even though I keep an eye on his e-mails and messages - I don't discuss what I have read with him as I figure if he wants to talk about it he will.

I don't think you were wrong. I think you should ask him in a positive and supportive way. Eg 'I was wondering if you wanted to get x a Christmas present? Are you two still close? We could have a look in the shops o Saturday?' Keep it light and do not press. He will come to you.

Ds is younger (8) but I know many parents who are explicit that phones are not locked down by their dcs. They pay the bills and expect to be able to check through them

I don't think messages that involve a third party are at all the same as a diary entry.

Of course you weren't wrong to read them, he's 11! Any responsible parents knows what kind of communications a child of that age is conducting.

Of course not op.

Hell I would read any messages if I thought my children were in danger or in trouble.

Your ds sounds lovely btw.

My DS is a year older. There was a very nasty cyber bullying incident at school last year where a boy refused to go to school and eventually left.
Because of this I always check his messages and don't feel guilty about it at all.
I think you've done the right thing.

Dont tell. I keep an eye ony dd's viber messagez . Like u, it turns out, she's handling the boys' "chat" like she's been reading mumsnet on the sly !:-o