dm and childcare - AIBU

[nutterbutsquash]

My dm popped in this morning unannounced. Lovely to see her, had a cuppa, although missed seeing dd as she was at childminder as I had some extra work to do today (work from home).

DM lives about an hour away but pops in every few weeks or so although visits the town I live in more regularly. She also looks after my dc maybe once every 6 months, often for a weekend e.g. so we can go to a wedding.

DM dropped into conversation that she had got out of a social event this morning by saying she is looking after my dd. Am fuming! She rarely offers to look after my dc and I hate it that she has used her as an excuse. AIBU?

I don't think it really affects you unless she's asking you to lie to if she does say no.

Yanbu to be slightly miffed ....

Not sure why it's annoyed you so much. I doesn't really affect you no matter what reason she uses. Have you spoken to her about wanting her to look after your daughter more often?

What are you annoyed about?

I don't get it.

I can see that she's rubbing your face in it a bit, tbf.

So what's the problem?

Not nice in general to know your mum is a liar! And if I worked at home I'd be annoyed that someone just dropped in, when they must have made a special trip if it's an hour away. It must be hard when your mum is not as interested in your children as you'd like them to be, and as you see other gps being perhaps. Her loss ultimately.

I do see what you mean, OP. My mother did something similar when I was expecting DD in that, in order to put off a relative who was talking about visiting around the time she was due, she said that I might need her to help out. However, the most I would ever have needed her for was around the time of the actual birth, and that wouldn't have impinged in any way on the proposed visit - relative would probably have been delighted to help out also. I felt quite cross that she had used me for the purposes of her lie, not least because the relative in question could reasonably have been quite irritated that I was apparently demanding that my mother be instantly available for a period of around a month and therefore putting visits out of the question.

I was even crosser when I subsequently had DD2 and, because she didn't approve of me having a third child, my mother went out of her way to try to ensure that she wouldn't be available to help out when she was due. She didn't have to help, of course, but I was miffed that the reality was that my need for help clearly wasn't a priority unless she could use it as an excuse for her own purposes.

My mum does this quite a lot, although it doesn't bother me in the slightest. Although she does mind the kids if she can and I need her, the odd pick up from school, her house for tea etc, maybe that's the difference. To be honest I use my own kids to get out of social things I couldn't be bothered with.

I just wouldn't use her (or anyone else) as an excuse to get out of something or at least base it on some element of truth. I never ask her to help me out at the last minute and resent that she has implied to her friend that I have done this in order to get out of something she didn't want to do and go shopping instead. And yes, I do wish she would be more interested in helping with dc occasionally but that is obviously 100% her choice.