about these 'gifts' from mil

[justfoundout2014]

Two separate but unrelated items.

I am separated from H following his 2-3 yr long affair. He was sahp, I am the bread-winner - he always stated he wanted nothing from me, and has so far been true to this and still does most of childcare, though he has started work as well.

Shortly after the split, mil offered to lend me the money to have some jobs done on the house. At the time, I was panicking a bit about money and being responsible for this fairly big house on my own, so I agreed. The work has been done (odds and sods really) and has cost £1100. She has said (I only know through h) that she wants it to be repaid if the house is sold, and if she is dead by then, the amount is to be split between h and his sister. However, she has put nothing in writing, so not sure it holds weight.

There is a large loft room (effectively 2 rooms, accessed by normal staircase) that I don't use as don't need the space, except for storage, which it is certainly being used for! It needs replastering and has bare floorboards. There is a bed up there and it is used for guests, though it's not a particularly nice environment atm, tbf. I have guests up there about 10 times a year, for one or two nights at a time, so sorting it is not a priority. If people don't want to go up there, my dc are happy to and guests can use their rooms!

When we split, mil kept making comments about how she would need to come up more, which I largely ignored. A few weeks ago she offered to buy me a rug to go in this room and has this weekend taken me to IKEA to buy one. When she left, I started thinking that, in fact, my room has horrible cheap laminate and no rug, and I would move the rug down to there as that room is used every day by me, and the attic seldom used. The rug is far more expensive than I could afford right now. I thought I could move it back up whenever she visits (not often, if I have my way) but it turned out to be one of those things that is way more difficult to do than you think. I had to move most of my (heavy) furniture to fit it in and enlist the help of my 5 & 7 yr olds, who heard a lot of swearing. It looks fantastic now. I am not moving it again. WIBU to buy a much cheaper rug to put up there, and be quite breezy in the way I mention it if and when she comes again? For some reason, it almost feels like stealing because I feel like she is trying to create a sense that the attic is 'her' room .

I am also upset that, while at IKEA buying the rug, she treated H to some new kitchen stuff for his new flat. I probably am being UR about that, but just don't get why she wants to bankroll him destroying his family and make things easy for him when he has been such a total shit. I get that she wouldn't see him destitute, but he has got a job now, so why can't he save up for stuff? No wonder he can't take responsibility for anything .

Sorry for the rant - AIBU about either of these issues?

seems very ungreatful to me seems like shes trying to help. she does not 'have' to give you anything weather a gift for the house or money for diy.

I dont see the issue

Justfound you say the money was a loan so start making arrangements to pay it and stop accepting gifts from your exmil. Then no need for any guilt or anything.

Your ex is still stepping up as a father and providing childcare, yes they are his children but they are yours as well.

You cannot expect her to not to support her son. In years to come your children will disappoint you at sometime but you will still love them unconditionally. Your understandable anger with your ex and the ow isn't your exmil's fault.

I do think that it would be better not to accept gifts and loans from her if you can - she will only feel entitled to comment on what you do with it/your lift generally and will expect to be treated better by you because she's helped you out. Don't worry about the rug etc. now but maybe try to avoid it in future.

Re your ex-husband, you're just going to have to accept that he's her son and she will always love him far more than she likes you, whatever he's done. I think a lot of people who are cheated on expect that the friends and family of the one who cheated will turn on them for their bad behaviour, but the fact is they never do - they just make excuses and go on as normal, because they prefer them to you (sorry, don't mean to sound so blunt but I've seen it a lot).

If she bought the rug for the room she stays in when she visits, then that is where it should be. If it is too much hassle moving it back for when she comes, then you should leave it there all the time.

I also think YABU regarding her buying her son stuff. She can buy him what she likes.

I think it's odd to buy something for someone's house, but insist it is only used in a particular way, in a particular room and therefore, in effect, not used at all for 90% of the time. I know I would almost certainly do for my dc what mil is doing for H, but really can't imagine doing the rug thing.