AIBU to ponder the priorities of this person?

[Littleen]

I probably am - but anyway, here goes.
I am for the moment living with a relative of mine. She's agreed to me staying for 2 months whilst I get some stuff sorted and can move out. Long story, won't go in to it. We get on fine so there's no arguing or drama, and I really appreciate being able to stay here - please don't chuck the "unthankful git" on me, because I am thankful :)

She looks immaculate all the time - fake eyelashes and nails all the time, even has a wig for when she cba to do her hair! Wears posh clothes and high heels every day, (She's nearly 60). She looks pretty good for her age! But she has a bath once a week? Because she works in an office and doesn't get sweaty. Is it just me who thinks perhaps twice a week would be better? Her feet smells...pretty bad. Haha :)

She washes clothes only once a week, and only a few items, I've never seen more than 1 pair of knickers in the wash at the same time. Seems odd to me. Perhaps everything is dry clean only?

She's only changed the bedding once in the so far 7 weeks I've stayed here - and that was yesterday, after I finally convinced her that the cat has fleas. I've been saying it since the week I moved in, because I have bites everywhere, and I know this cat picks up fleas like nobody's business (it used to be my cat, she adopted it - they're a great match!). I eventually gave the cat a good brush and showed her the flea poo that came with the fur.

Her house is always very, very tidy, but it is absolutely filthy. She has never hoovered in her life (not lying here, this is true), she's always had her ex husband do it, and after him her next partner, but since then nothing. I have hoovered of course since moving in, but I don't think it had been done for nearly a year before then. She doesn't know where the mop is (because she never use it) so cleaning the floor is difficult, and there's no bucket to put water in either, nor does she have any soap! Mind - I've bought cleaning stuff so I can clean now, I'm not totally lame :) But some places in the kitchen are so greased up, that I just cannot get it off at all, and it's not my job to scrub of several years worth of grease tbh.

Please don't make this into a debate of me being / not being thankful for staying here - I am just wondering if all this is normal and acceptable, and if I am being a clean freak? My house was never that tidy, but I tried to keep it clean and dust free. I shower every other day at least, and think that's pretty normal.

No, I'm sorry, it is obviously me that wasn't comprehending When you said that you don't feel certain things are your job, I thought you were saying you won't do them. I understood that you clean. I'm not judging. tbh, I'm a disinterested party because I don't have to live there and I don't know any of you I wasn't criticising you, just offering a suggestion how you might feel a bit better, since it's bothering you.

There must be a way of suggesting a cleaner without offending her or hurting her feelings. Maybe saying something like
"I don't like to think of you having to do all this work once I've left har har, perhaps you should think about treating yourself and getting someone to come in and do the housework for you? A friend of mine recommended this person and said they're very good and apparently they even have a few hours available at the moment. It's such a luxury to have clean sheets on without having to do it yourself isn't it?"

Oh - and just in case it isn't clear from my previous post, no, it's not you, she sounds utterly disgusting.

I'm one of those messy but clean housekeepers. I try and try to keep the place tidy, but we don't have enough storage and there's a two year old at work, so there's always at least one room that needs tidying at any time, but (except for the ten weeks I was ill this summer) my house is always spotless under the piles of clean laundry, Duplo, piles of books and paperwork. They just get moved around a lot!

You can be grateful and slag someone off at the same time. It called being a bitch.
If you bring her hygiene into question on a public forum....... you are slagging her off.
If she saw what you wrote would it upset her and hurt her? Yes.
Fine if thats you want to come on here and do. Bit to claim you are not slagging her off is just laughable. Then to make a nasty personal and snide comment questioning someone's own hygiene because they gave you an opinion you didn't like.
FWIW she does sound like she needs a bit of help and pushing in the right direction. But as you are already doing that. I don't understand why you are here?
I'll let you know now (save you guessing) which nerve you touched with me.
I am allergic to snide bitches, who think they arn't being one just by saying shit like. Don't take it the wrong way. I not slagging them off but.....

Know plenty of people like you in rl. Such sweet smiles while twisting the knife. Xxx

Apt name, Tomuchtosay

I know wasn't that clever of me

It would have been had you spelled it correctly

It seems odd, maybe she does a top and tail every morning? Or do you know for a fact that she doesn't?

I find it hard to believe she is as filthy as you describe...she presumably washes the make up off her face (or is it only lashes?).

If she was that dirty, why would you bring a child to stay there with you? You do have the option of seeking emergency accommodation as you have a dependent.

To not hoover or mop once in a while is disgusting. Of course people have different opinions on cleanliness levels but to not even do the basics every so often is dreadful.

It's good of you to help out with the cleaning while you are staying there. Perhaps you could suggest a shopping trip for more supplies? Poundland sells decent mops and other cleaning stuff.

Some people are just clean freaks, however I don't know any but they'd be most welcome to clean my house! I keep it ok but not to aseptic standards

I would find it really offputting too.

But I think you are going to offend her if you don't watch out. She probably doesn't think she isn't clean (from what you say) and just buying a mop or washing her bedding as some have suggested might feel very invasive.

I do know people who honestly feel perfectly clean like this. I know a couple of mates - both very groomed-looking women - who admit happily they change their bedding every month or so, maybe less if they don't notice the smell. And my neighbours where I used to live, who were in their 70s, did not wash clothes very often and had a distinct smell, but would have been mortified to find this out as they had gradually lost sense of smell.

I would go with being very self-deprecating and say would she mind if you did some cleaning as a thank-you, and because you could do with a boring solid job to take your mind off worries. Don't make it into a big thing about her house being filthy, or imply that it'd be normal for this stuff to be done more often - she might feel mortified.

If, later on, you find she is actually able to admit she's struggling, then you might come on a bit stronger. But loads of people just don't have the habit of washing/cleaning much.

Hmm, I would probably put it down to a combination of personality, generation and upbringing. As some people have said, it wasn't unusual not that long ago for people to have weekly baths and I think nowadays people probably go a bit overboard with regard to twice-daily showers etc (I include myself in this. I like to feel as clean as such a routine enables, but it is also probably quite wasteful of water and resources).

Likewise the cleaning. Again, I think some people are overly obsessive about changing sheets every other day and disinfecting everything, and can be snobbish when other people don't share these standards (this does not apply to you, OP: I thought your post was very reasonable). But your friend's standards are very much lower than the norm, I would say. Not being bothered about fleas is pretty shocking, as is having areas of grime that are so old and ingrained you are struggling to shift them! Saying that, her priorities are obviously elsewhere (e.g. her appearance) - and that's fine. To each their own, and all that.

I say just keep up with what you're doing; you have to live there, YANBU to live within standards of cleanliness you are used to. But YWBU to mention anything to her (I know you say you wouldn't anyway): her lifestyle is her choice, she's not hurting anyone and presumably she doesn't smell in public (only at home when she removes her shoes?!). And, as you say, she's doing you a big favour (it's hard to share your house and habits with anyone new, no matter how lovely they are!).

Hope your circumstances resolve themselves soon.

It may be her age, people did used to have a bath once a week, and wash clothes far far less.

Buy your own bedding and launder it when you do your washing, ditto towels. Buy some flea treatment for the cat and administer it. Continue to do what housework youcan. Keep your own room imacculate and then continue to be grateful without being judgemental.
I also grew up having one bath a week.

Lots of people are far dirtier than that though - I rent out a property, and quite often tenants leave it so dirty you are shocked at how little cleaning they do. Not hovering for a year or more (and not being able to change a hoover bag or unblock a hoover full of debris seems relatively common). Not cleaning sinks or baths seems common as well. I personally don't understand how people can live like that, as it tends to damage the fabric of the house in quite a short time, but it doesn't seem that unusual.

She actually doesn't sound as bad as some of that, and isn't a hoarder. So from that perspective I would say you need to keep your nose out, as it isn't your property and she is being done a favour. The fleas thing - does the cat actually have fleas, or do you just assume that all animals have fleas? Even your commandment that no-one should comment on a major part of the circumstances you have described, which is staying in someone else's home, is rather controlling. If you don't like it - move out. Imagine if she was writing an equally judgmental post about an awful relative whom she was letting live in her house, who couldn't pay for a hotel or alternative accommodation and who kept interfering with how she lived her life. The comments about her husband and partner doing cleaning is odd as well - why and how are you interested in such detail about this woman's past relationship dynamics?

Sounds like my parents house. My mum spends hours "cleaning" and even has a Rota that must never to interfered with.....emergency care for gc? No, sorry, I have to clean the bedrooms today....

Anyway, the house is still dirty in the areas that matter. The bathroom is minging in the corners, the toilet encrusted and the kitchen sink is disgusting with food in the plughole left for days etc

Personal cleanliness is better but my dad's chair has a greasy shiny patch where his head rests....

It's a strange thing....priorities I guess

Definitely generational.

I had a bath once a week (when I was young) and remember ladling on dry shampoo because I had really greasy hair and it wasn't "hair night". Also once a week washing and my school uniform was washed once a term.

Of course today this seems utterly gross but it was what everyone did. I didn't know anyone with a shower back in the 70s. You had a shower attachment which was rubber and kept pinging off the taps firing a jet of water in your face and all over the bathroom.

I also have a relative who I swear I have never seen wash. In fact her shower is used as a storage area. She has boxes of those "intimate wipes" in her bathroom and I guess that 's it...

I wouldn't say anything. Okay it's not up to a lot of people's standards, but it's not terrible and tbh as she normally lives alone and isn't seeking anyone's approval on her housekeeping, she can please herself really. I shower every day as most of my generation do, but I've gradually given up cleaning (DH and cleaner do it) and if I split with DH I probably couldn't be arsed with much more than washing up and a weekly laundry (if that! I love 30 Rock where Liz Lemon wears swimsuits etc cos she's run out of clean undies). So on balance YABU. Her priorities are great if she's kind enough to let you stay. Many people's priorities would be to enjoy the state of their home in peace.