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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you were me what would you do?

51 replies

wanderingthroughmountains · 08/11/2014 15:53

Early/mid 30s

Single

Own home outright and have part ownership of second property

Professional role

A second job that pays just above minimum wage but do it for the love

No real interest in travel or living abroad

Erm ... I think that's it ...

Here's the thing, I feel quite low and lonely and stuck in a bit of a rut. I know I've got a lot going for me but I'm finding being single and having no family of my own quite tough.

Any thoughts as to how I can enhance my life a bit?

OP posts:
Original poster
wanderingthroughmountains · 08/11/2014 17:27

I definitely don't have time to volunteer - I'm struggling to find 'me' time as it is. I work Monday-Friday 8-4 and then 18 hours in second job but it's actually a lot more as we don't get paid travel time (it involves travelling between clients) - I can't swap the two as there's a massive pay discrepancy.

I definitely don't want to move or live abroad either. It just isn't for me - I like the uk! Grin

It's so hard to explain what it is, I know things won't change unless I help them along but at the same time I'm not sure where to start.

OP posts:
springlamb · 08/11/2014 17:28

The most fulfilled people I know are those who spend their time doing stuff (paid or otherwise) that they're emotionally invested in, that they see as really worthwhile. Regardless of what we thought we wanted to do at 18, what our degree is, what our career path was at 21 when we held our BA or whatever.
Many of us never experience that because circumstances take over and we have to stay where we are, or work our way up that promotion ladder in order to cover the mortgage etc.
When you see a chance take it...

Original poster
wanderingthroughmountains · 08/11/2014 17:28

Amy I'm not even sure what I mean!

But in any case no - all friends are female and only really know other females (think it's due to having so many primary teachers in friendship group.) Plus I only have a small handful of local friends if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 08/11/2014 17:28

It seems as if there are many options that could enhance your life, but you have ruled them out.

  • most of your time seems to be taken up with work.
  • you don't have time for hobbies
  • you don't really like sport
  • you don't have many friends
  • you seem to have a vague notion of "drifting", but no specific definition of what that actually means.

Maybe you need to take a look at yourself and your life, and decide just how important it is for you to change what you currently have.

Because, unless you take a decision to take action, ain't nothing's gonna change!

Original poster
wanderingthroughmountains · 08/11/2014 17:30

Well I did acknowledge that. That's why I asked on here. I don't mind sport but I can't run and I do find walking really dull. I like extreme sports but they are difficult to do as they're costly and time consuming. But in any case, parachuting or white water rafting will bring me pleasure but it won't change my life either. And I'm aware things have to change but not sure how.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 08/11/2014 17:33

... and by "decision", I mean that your current lifestyle and choices are limiting you being able to change very much - it's like a vicious circle which is like a 'strait-jacket' preventing you from moving forward.

A random (albeit very creative and constructive) list of suggested activities probably won't get to the root cause of the matter.

Original poster
wanderingthroughmountains · 08/11/2014 18:08

I know daisy that was why I tried to nicely steer the conversation away from hobbies I could take up. I don't know; I frequently feel like a pointless waste of space and feel very lonely. Working a lot helps guard against this a bit. But I know it's not a long term solution either.

I suppose I wondered what others would do with their lives if they were me - it can help to get an outside objective as it were.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 08/11/2014 18:30

Counselling to explore what it is you are trying to avoid by keeping busy with work? Or perhaps it's because there's something about the work that's very rewarding to you?

RedLentil · 08/11/2014 18:58

Would it help to try to imagine your ideal life in 10 years' time, and work back from there? That often helps to free thinking up ...

LordEmsworth · 08/11/2014 19:02

Your situation sounds a lot like mine; when you say "enhance your life", what do you mean? Do you mean little things to make it more pleasurable, or a big thing that will give it meaning?

Is it a relationship thing (i.e. loneliness), a search for meaning (i.e. spiritual absence) or worrying about your "success" (i.e my life is not remarkable/notable)?

You say you can't swap the job you do for the one you love because there's a massive pay discrepancy; you do realise that what you mean is you don't want to - not that you can't, don't you? I am not saying you are wrong not to not want to take a massive pay cut, but if you accept that this is your choice, it might help you to frame what you do want out of life.

The obvious answer to wanting a partner/family is online dating - it's also less drastic than moving abroad (you mention that a couple of times, why do you think that would be the/an answer?). Have you tried that?

Preciousbane · 08/11/2014 19:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheGirlFromIpanema · 08/11/2014 19:20

I think that someone above mentioned prioritising 'people' and I would agree in your situation.

Could you take in a lodger/housemate to help ease lonliness - as in just having someone else around sometimes between shifts or what not? Without the kids I'd speak to no-one on occaissional days (WAH) and I know I'll have to change that before they leave home, i hate it when it happens!

A busy social life absolutely can be life changing if you feel a bit lonely or just generally with life. So although hobbies doesn't sound right, it might be worth investing in an activity that will bring you closer to 'people' iyswim.

Nothing will change unless you change something Smile

ImperialBlether · 08/11/2014 19:20

OP, didn't you post on this before? If so, did you try to make any changes to your life after reading the thread?

Original poster
wanderingthroughmountains · 08/11/2014 19:32

I've posted a lot on bereavement but obviously that's to do with bereavement. I don't know. I just am struggling to do much of anything at the moment that I'm not familiar with. It feels like everything's changed and yet I want things to change more!

I'm having counselling but it's as if we are looking back a lot and I need to go forwards. I can't do online dating because of my facial injuries so I do feel trapped.

OP posts:
ChippingInAutumnLover · 08/11/2014 19:32

I could be well off base here and please don't answer anything you don't want to, but...

It sounds like your parents passed away and you inherited property/money & so are secure property wise, but lonely. You quite possibly fear getting close to friends/men in case you lose them too - so it's easier to keep busy with work. Both jobs give you a sense of satisfaction, a feeling of helping/being needed, but you still feel dreadfully lonely. You have a house and are financially comfortable, so not a lot to strive for - no purpose, no goals, no aims. You aren't achieving much personally and that's hard.

As I said, I could be way off base, that's just the way you are coming across.

Do you want children?

Phineyj · 08/11/2014 19:35

It sounds like you need more meaning in your life, but it's hard to say what would achieve that with not knowing very much about you. In my case, I worked out with my DH's help that I needed a job with a lot more social contact and more regular hours and pay. The book 'What Colour is your Parachute' is quite good for focusing your thinking. Life coaches and counsellors can be good, but some are rubbish/have an agenda, so shop around if you do that.

Phineyj · 08/11/2014 19:40

Actually I agree with the person above who says that what you need is a challenge. How about thinking some up for the New Year? I once resolved to buy a new instrument and it led me to join a band and I met a whole range if people I would never have met otherwise. All because an acquaintance told me if I was an adult I should just buy it and stop talking about it, then I randomly saw a poster for the band. I also wrote a novel once to see if I could do it and I had a lot of interesting experiences through that as well. Is thee anything you've always wanted to do?

zippyandbungle · 08/11/2014 19:41

I would try yoga and/or meditation. It's maybe that you need to be more mindful of yourself and the present. It's something you can do in a class but also fit it in around your busy schedule. It would go a long way to making you feel a bit more at ease with yourself.

FaFoutis · 08/11/2014 19:45

If I were you I would go part time on the professional job, learn to surf, get a horse and write a book.

riverboat1 · 08/11/2014 19:52

What sort of place do you live in? City / town / v. rural/remote? Is it where you've always lived, or somewhere you've chosen or are tied to for a specific reason?

I know you say you have no interest in moving, but am interested as moving was precisely what I did when I wanted to shake my life up!

RabbitSaysWoof · 08/11/2014 19:56

I really don't think facial injuries would stop you meeting someone worth having. In your ideal life do you have children? or live as a couple with someone?
If I were in your position I would be considering (after my councelling) looking into fostering or having my own child alone, but then having a child was always at the front of my mind before I had one.
I was lonely in a couple with no dc I am so content as a single parent.
I agree hobbies are distractions not solutions but only you know what would make your life happy.

AlpacaLypse · 08/11/2014 19:59

Am I the only person who's noticed a reference to facial injuries in OP's last update? Severe enough (in her own opinion anyway) to make online dating a nightmare?

OP have you had any opportunity to work with organisations who support people with facial scarring?

AlpacaLypse · 08/11/2014 19:59

xpost with Rabbit

BikeRunSki · 09/11/2014 23:54

OP, is your rewardingvoluntary job with other people with facial injuries?

zzzzz · 10/11/2014 00:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.