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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I have had enough

24 replies

rach89 · 07/11/2014 18:45

My dh is unreasonable I'm sure he is. Ds has mega problems including sensory." Issues. Tonight his toe nails needed cutting, it's always a massive deal as he freaks out totally. He needs them cutting as they will end up ingrown if he doesn't. However it ends up with me physically having to pin him down to cut them. Ds gets very violent and was really kicking off when I was doing it. Dh went upstairs muttering he couldn't deal with it and was it really worth it. Track forwards twenty minutes and it's done. Ds is still hysterical and I shouted up to dh can you come and deal with him. He said I want no part
Of it you were slapping him I heard the slaps. I bloody wasn't Ds was slapping and punching me while trying to cut his nails. I told dh he was wrong and Ds shouted no mummy never slapped me. Dh said well there was no need for it his nails aren't that bad ! Is it just me or should a
Parent make

Sure their child doesn't end
With ingrown toenails whether they like it or
Not!! Am I being unreasonable to now go to bed and totally
Ignore the twat!!!

OP posts:

DoJo · 07/11/2014 18:53

YANBU - he shouldn't be absolving himself of responsibility for basic care for your son. I could understand if you were painting his nails or doing something unnecessary, but everyone needs their toenails cut and it's just one of those jobs that has to be done. Is he like this about other aspects of your son's care or is he just having a bad day today?

Fad81 · 07/11/2014 18:56

Hi, I don't think you're being unreasonable by being upset with him, he should of tried to make the situation a bit easier for you by entertaining the little one, not storming off, and I would be soooo pissed off if my fella had accused me of hitting our ds,
Does he usually not help you, or had he had a "rough" day?

eosmum · 07/11/2014 18:59

He's being ridiculous, what's he going to do if he ends up needing painful medical attention. My boy has similar issues we tried everything but our new OT suggested applying pressure on each nail by squeezing gently between your thumb and forefinger for a count of five, then cutting the nail immediately. It has really helped in our house.

CatsCantTwerk · 07/11/2014 19:02

How old is you ds? Could you do it when he is sleeping?

TrippleBlessed · 07/11/2014 19:28

Sorry but ur dh sounds like a complete plonker. I would be so pissed off if my dh left me to it, like a bloody wuss! Be a man, stand by your woman and help your child. Fool. Men like that piss me off.

KnackeredMuchly · 07/11/2014 19:36

I think we all reach breaking point sometimes. It sounds very stressful. I can think of times when I could handle my baby and partner no more.

Does your DP abandon you regularly though?

Original poster

rach89 · 08/11/2014 07:46

He's normally really good at helping with stuff but I've noticed recently with Ds is concerned he seems to take the approach that it's easier to just let it go. Ds is hard work and has massive issues an it makes things ten times worse when dh isn't completely backing me up. I just don't know what's got in to him

OP posts:

feebeecat · 08/11/2014 10:04

I think you hit the nail on the head there - it's easier to just let it go. Especially if someone else will do the hard stuff.
If it's a recent thing you need to try & get him to tell you what's changed? It is hard to deal with circumstances like that, but does he think you 'enjoy' it, or are just being a responsible parent tackling a necessary evil? Ask him for suggestions how you could work together & improve it for all of you.
And as an aside, friends ds had to have ingrowing toenails removed & they never grew back - would he prefer that for ds?!
Good luck

Fairenuff · 08/11/2014 10:06

How old is your ds? There will come a point when you won't be able to physically restrain him any more, what will happen then?

WalkingInMemphis · 08/11/2014 10:09

What are your ds's 'mega problems' and 'massive issues'? Other than not liking his toenails cut?

KurriKurri · 08/11/2014 10:13

Your DH is being useless and unreasonable. Very easy to storm off and leave someone else to do the hard tasks.

As an aside- I used to have to cut my Dad's nails - he had alzheimer's and got very freaked out by having his nails cut, but like you I saw it as part of his basic care to keep him comfortable. Anyway, I found getting him to soak his feet in a bowl of warm water helped - the nails get softerand don't make such a 'snapping' sound when you cut them, would your DS find that (or cutting then when he's in the bath) less traumatic?

Original poster

rach89 · 08/11/2014 11:24

Ds is 8 and his 'mega problems' and 'massive issues' are thy he has reactive attachment disorder. This makes every day normal thinks like eating getting a bath getting his hair cut going to school etc etc very difficult as Ds doesn't trust people so therefore in turn believes he is going to be hurt/abandoned

OP posts:

Annarose2014 · 08/11/2014 11:28

How on earth are you going to do these things when he's a 6 foot teenager? He's going to beat the living shit out of you. Do you have any community support?

Mrsjayy · 08/11/2014 11:50

I think his dad is u to not help you it sounds very chaotic trying to do basic care for yoyr son your dh should be helping, could you get your son to do his own nails so you don't have to go through that every time

InfinitySeven · 08/11/2014 11:55

I've never had my nails cut, hand or feet. The idea creeps me out a bit now, I make DP do it away from me. It's such a violent click...

I've never had an ingrown nail, though, and I'm the grand old age of 24.

Mrsjayy · 08/11/2014 11:58

How often are you cutting his nails I dont think he would get ingrown nails by them not being cut

InfinitySeven · 08/11/2014 12:07

You know, thinking about this, I'd find it pretty distressing to be held down for my nails to be cut.

I wouldn't continue with this.

If your DP has a habit of opting out where your DS is concerned, you need to talk to hi and tell him that it's not acceptable.

I can kind of see his point if he's refusing to take part in activities like this which are unnecessary and hugely upsetting.

WorraLiberty · 08/11/2014 12:17

Can you buy him his own nail clippers and teach him to clip them himself, under your supervision?

It does sound like a traumatic experience for all of you.

Mrsjayy · 08/11/2014 12:20

I think that's what id do teach him to do it himself then it isn't distressing anybody I don't think anybody is the bad guy here ,

WorraLiberty · 08/11/2014 12:22

My kids pick their toenails after a bath cos they're nice and soft then.

I just had to teach them not to tear them down too far, because it bloody hurts.

Original poster

rach89 · 08/11/2014 12:29

He won't do them himself, I've been trying that for years. He bites his fingernails to stop me citing them but won't touch his toe nails. Is it unnecessary as someone mentioned earlier. I'm sure his feet will end up in a terrible mess if we just leave to grow and grow. We have theraplay sessions to try and improve his attachment issues but not much support no, ds's condition isn't particularly common and out local camhs don't deal with it so it's just a x
Case of plodding on - just harder to do on your own. Xx

OP posts:

Monathevampire1 · 08/11/2014 12:31

As a family you need help learning to manage aspects of your son's diagnosis. Holding down an eight year old to cut his toe nails is unrealistic and must be frightening for him and exhausting for you. His father is telling you he can't cope with the way you deal with things. All three of you need help to learn new strategies. Speak to your GP and see if there is a parental support group you can all get help from. The idea of trying your son with nail clippers seems worth exploring.

Original poster

rach89 · 08/11/2014 12:32

Ignore the kisses at the end - trying to multi task and not working

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 08/11/2014 12:53

Could you try and get him to pick at them in the bath which is a beter ideaI don't think you should plod on on your own I just think your husband is struggling I know you are and you feel really alone it sounds very stressful. Is there some sort of support group for disabled children in your area there is a few play projects dotted about the country for kids with Sn

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