To think it's wrong, or is it ok if everyone's happy?

[Sockstealer]

I'm think of my dps parents here, but I'm sure that there are lots of couples in this situation.

The mum works 40 hours a week, the dad works roughly the same but in a higher paid job.

The mum does everything house related, all of the cooking, cleaning, gardening, decorating, sorting of presents in her free time. It has also been suggested that the dad complains if the mum looks 'scruffy' and expects her to be dressed and keep herself smart. You get the picture, the dad enjoys his hobbies, goes to the pub, goes on weekends away with his free time.

They seem very happy though and have a comfortable lifestyle and an active social life together. So it obviously works for them.

But even though it's non of my business it bothers me slightly.

One reason it bothers me is because it's rubbed off on my 'd'p, who never had to lift a finger when he lived at home, and thinks the cleaning fairy goes round picking things up. Having said that he has got a lot better and does a lot more after many discussions and battles, but I still feel that there's something inside him that thinks certain things are women's work. And that if he works hard during the week then his free time should be for him and housework should not impose on it. So basically I feel that it's not a great message to pass on to your children.

The other reason it bothers me is because I can't get my head around a grown adult just allowing someone to wait on them hand and foot, when they've both worked a long week at work. The expectation that you'll have a cooked meal and a clean house all provided by someone else. I don't think I could happily just leave all domestic chores to my partner unless I was ill, I'd feel lazy and unhelpful.

Do I have a point or is it each to their own?

*I don't buy the 'he's crap at it' either. Would all these men live in hovels if their wives suddenly died/left them.

Keeping a house going and cooking are very basic life skills that everyone should have.*

Why does it bother you so much how other people choose to live their lives especially if they are happy? If your DP isn't pulling his weight then tell him. As for children it's easy to give them the message that they need to be able to look after themselves and pull their weight.

I think roles within the home also depend on the home situation. For instance, we have a farm and the work is never ending. DH is also a farrier. Some people in relationships work away therefore the other is left to do everything in the home.

As long as people are happy I don't see the issue.

an entitled man who will have unsatisfactory relationships

I think I'd actually be put off going into a relationship with a man who assumed I'd do everything round the house whilst he did nothing to help.

I found it hard to come to terms with my "role" when I went on maternity leave. I could see it was logical that I did more housework, being at home all day. But I just kept thinking I never signed up for this.

It's as though you're brought up to believe men and women are equal then suddenly, without warning, find yourself in the position of a traditional housewife when you make that decision to have a dc.

Fortunately I have a dh who shares the work and has never expected to find his dinner on the table when he got home from work. Thank you MIL! PIL in their late '70s very much share the workload. My dad used to do more than my mum. My mum directed - "hoover the stairs" and he was the one who did.

I think as a mum though you end up doing an awful lot more in terms of sorting out your dc for school, packing up their bags, sorting out their friends coming round, buying gifts for parties, ensuring they've got adequate clothing. These sort of things don't even cross dh's mind.

We do a kind of cleaning blitz on a Saturday morning with everyone helping. I wouldn't be too happy finding myself on my own doing it whilst everyone else sat around.

sockstealer Unfortunately yes, the are people who either don't notice mess or don't give a shit. My DP tends to fall into the former category. I have both friends who don't give a shit so they don't entertain at home often

I don't mean I'm overly particular btw, unless you think 'cycling shoes shouldn't live in the middle of the kitchen floor' or 'random electronics don't belong on the dining table' is particular.

Sadly mess does mean dust though, even if you kitchen / loos / floors are spotless.

If they say "ooh isn't he good doing the - say - yes, I'm training him up - can't abide a useless inept man who can't handle his fair share - I blame the parents.

Then do a cheeky wink and a what a funny joke giggle to keep it amicable and throw them off.

One phrase I hear (not in this house) is a dp/dh saying either "I've done the washing up" - what does he want a medal? or is he afraid no-one will notice? or "I've done the washing up for you" that phrase is just murder worthy!

A friend of mine started announcing everything she had done as per the above, her dh soon got the message.

My PILS were like this when I met them. Things are changing though. MIL was astonished when my Dad came to help in the house with DD1. She watched open mouthed as he prepared a lasagne from scratch I made it clear to my DH very early in our relationship that I expected him to be a full partner - it was a deal breaker. MIL was astonished that he could cook and it tasted good!

I have watched change in their relationship. FIL used to drink a cuppa and have a biscuit then give the empty dishes to MIL to take to the kitchen and wash up! I must say I was open mouthed the first time I saw that Now, they have and use a dishwasher that they both fill and empty. FIL has BBQ and cooks 3/4 nights a week. He now fancies learning to bake bread. MIL went to Oz this year and FIL coped fine with cooking, laundry and housework. She has come to the realisation that he is perfectly capable.

She has now said she feels like a mug for doing everything all these years. Progress!

My parents were pretty traditional role-wise. Mum was 'inside', Dad worked full time and was responsible for 'outside' and inside DIY. Mum went to work full time when I was about 17. I picked up some of the housework duties but their roles remained pretty much the same. Once Dad retired & I moved on my own he started doing quite a bit of the day to day 'tidying' and laundry plus his outside things. Mum still did housework, but not near as much.

Thing is, Mum really enjoyed housework!! Crazy, but true. To her it wasn't work, it was satisfying. Too bad I didn't inherit THAT! LOL

Bottom line, it's what works for the couple. It's not for me to judge as long as they are both happy with their division of labour.

Absolutely you have a point, because it affects you and will rub off on your DC unless you and DP do something actively to prevent that.

But the damage to your DP's attitude is already done. No point getting narked with them now, just look to your own family unit. Do the children see you both respecting each other's contribution? Do they see housework and cooking as things that both parents do? I have friends whose Hs refuse to do 'pink jobs' and I find it so disrespectful - it is simply saying they are above such things and their wife is not.

God, we have that traditional thing going on. I do practically all house stuff, shopping, kids school stuff etc. It makes sense for us as husband works long hours and often away. I don't work and have it pretty easy. I do worry how it's making my boys see things and always explain that our set up is different from what is normal with most of their friends where the mum works.

God, we have that traditional thing going on. I do practically all house stuff, shopping, kids school stuff etc. It makes sense for us as husband works long hours and often away. I don't work and have it pretty easy. I do worry how it's making my boys see things and always explain that our set up is different from what is normal with most of their friends where the mum works.

I used to worry about this to re the kids, but they have all grown up being able to cook, clean and tidy up after themselves. All of my kids did jobs around the house since age 5 and helped me cook. They saw from an early age that dad worked long hours hence I did everything else. They also saw dad run me baths, massage my feet and they very much remember him being hands on with bath times and bed times, reading them stories and helping get them dressed/breakfasted in the mornings when he could.

My eldest son is about to become a father himself and we were talking last weekend about when the baby is born. I was so proud of DH as my son said he remembered his dad sitting in the kitchen with my twins when he got up in the morning for school. I was in bed asleep. "If I can be half the dad he is mum I'll be happy" my son said. Your kids will be just fine as they'll see the little things when they get older.

Slightly off tangent but about the older genetation and some of their attitudes, a few years ago I was in a redundancy situation.5 people had to go from a team of 8. I kept my job. My mum was speechless, the man should have got it. A mans wage needs to go into a house!. She couldnt get her head around how I kept my job over a man!

My aunt and uncle are like that, both work full time, she does absolutely everything at home. She's not happy with it, and openly admires my DH, who does his fair share. She thinks it was a mistake to start out like they did, but her DH is in his 70s and probably not that easy to re-train.

went on holiday with my parents this year and my mum kept commwnting on how good dh was by taking ds to the pool. I was pg and very very light headed and couldnt get out of bed. In the end i snapped and told her he wasnt especially good, it was normal and just because she has sich low expectations of men it doesnt mean that we all do.

flipchart this was in the early '90s but I had a dear friend who was passed over for promotion numerous times because our boss felt that 'her husband earns enough money so she didn't need the promotion'. I got a promotion from the same boss over another woman with equal qualifications because my husband had been hurt on the job so we 'needed the extra money'. Of course this didn't come out until after he'd left the office for good.

I got passed over for a university promotion in the 90s because 'men have mortgages'.

I won a grievance procedure on that one.