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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Don't know whether to say anything about what i think friend may be doing...

54 replies

ReputableBiscuit · 07/11/2014 14:42

This is veeeeeeeery long, sorry. We moved into this block of flats a few months ago. I quickly made friends with the woman who lives next door (actually opposite me - our doors face each other off a corridor) and we've become quite close. She has a DS aged 4 who is a lovely boy, and she's really easy to chat to. We're both at home through the day so have taken to popping into each others flats for a cuppa and a natter. My friend is a lovely, sweet, witty woman with a heart of gold.

She's late 20s, has never worked and has no qualifications. As I say she's lovely and I think the world of her, but she's a bit chaotic. Her timekeeping is woeful (her DS always late for school, if she says she'll come by at 11, it'll be 12 before you see her) and her organisation skills are fairly rubbish - she doesn't manage money well (so is in debt/always borrowing money for the meter) and can never find where she's put things. I mention all this not to slag her off but just to explain that in a city with high unemployment, she's not exactly very employable. I'm a bit older than her and feel quite maternal towards her.

So I was a bit (pleasantly) surprised when she told me she had a job, working in a bar (though another time she said it was a club) from 10-2, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. She asked me if i would sit with her DS while she works those hours, and I said yes because I'm happy to help, my DH is at home then so can be with our DCs and her DS and i know each other and get on well. Basically I come round in my PJs and i just lie on her couch with a fleece blanket on me and snooze until she comes home, then i just go straight to my own bed. It works well, her DS sleeps through & it's no trouble for me to do it.

Still with me? Basically I've started to wonder if this bar/club exists. My friend has said contradictory things about it and has even said it's called different things. If you ever mention the workplace, she's very keen to change the subject. Also, the way she dresses to go to work (very very short tight skirts and long high heel boots and loads of make up) and the fact that she'll come home and straight away empty cash out of her handbag makes me wonder if she might actually be doing sex work?

So, do you think I'm being ridiculous? I don't think how she earns money is any of my business but I don't like to think of her being in danger, especially since her DS doesn't have any other relation on the scene. If I mention my suspicions and I'm wrong, she could be really insulted? Would she just deny it even if I'm right?

The short version is that I'm worried about a friend I feel protective of, but it's a very awkward situation. WIBU to say something to her?

OP posts:
BoysiesBack · 07/11/2014 16:11

Yy, reputable, 'fair enough if you don't want to go into any detail, X, but if you ever need an ear to vent, that's fine with me'

Make it clear you won't judge.

HappyAgainOneDay · 07/11/2014 16:28

Could she be a croupier?

Maroonie · 07/11/2014 16:33

Could you ask for a number/address incase of emergencies?

smillassenseofsnow · 07/11/2014 16:34

I'm not sure why some people are so sure it's sex work rather than a strip club. I've been to one once, where a friend knew one of the women working there, and they all made their money in cash, directly from the punters, and put it in a purse they carried on them round the club.

addictedtobass · 07/11/2014 16:38

i expect it's a strip club, my friend was a stripper and she also pretended she was just working the bar there. It's not necessary a slippery slope to something worse but it can really change you, my friend is now seriously fucked up in the way she thinks about men.

ChrisMooseAlbanians · 07/11/2014 16:41

I suspect a strip club too- I think Mindreader's suggestion is a good one. perhaps reassure her you wont judge her for anything she tells you.. a girl's gotta live somehow. I would however be surprised at bar work being 10-2am. Most bars I know would be 6-2am. Perhaps I am wrong.

LadyRabbit · 07/11/2014 16:46

You know what, I doubt she's going to admit to it if it is sex work or a strip club. And then your friendship will quite possibly be kaput if A) you are wrong (unlikely from the sounds of it) or B) you are right and she feels found out or C) she admits it, wants you to still be babysitting and you say no.

Hmm tough one. How about you follow her one night and get your DH to mind her son and a friend or family member to mind your DC? Then you can know for certain before deciding what to do.

You sound lovely OP.

primarynoodle · 07/11/2014 16:46

if she was a sex worker her hours would be more like 12-4 than 10-2

sounds like lap dancer

agree that you have a heart of gold though! Thanks

wakeywakeyteaandcakey · 07/11/2014 16:51

Op you're a really lovely person. And you've actually made my day. I would do exactly what you're doing for your neighbour. It's nice to know there are it's decent people out there willing to help a single parent without expecting anything back.

Quitelikely · 07/11/2014 18:00

You are a very, very, kind, selfless person OP.

ilovesooty · 07/11/2014 18:08

I think following her is an appalling suggestion. I'm sure you won't do it.

littlesongbird · 07/11/2014 18:13

OP, you're a lovely friend to this lady.

When I started reading I was expecting a 'working/ moved new bloke in and fraudulently claiming benefits type scenario. Not that you were doing something completely selfless for her AND that you were worried for her safety.

It may be bar work, but in a lap dancing club, hence why she's vague over it's name. I think if you ask but make it clear you won't judge, she'll probably tell you

HonestLie · 07/11/2014 18:20

I also think it sounds like she is dancing. I did it for a while in my younger years and we were paid in cash either nightly, weekly or monthly whichever we preferred. The money we earned was purely commission so there wasn't a set wage.

Fwiw there were a couple of girls who offered extras but as soon as management found out they were out of a job. It's fairly unusual in reputable clubs to have it going on with management knowledge.

There were cameras in every booth so they knew what was happening at all times.

HonestLie · 07/11/2014 18:28

Sorry OP forgot to say I would ask her outright making it clear you won't judge her

Aeroflotgirl · 07/11/2014 18:31

Another one here who thinks you are absolutely fantastic. She should be paying you.

ImTheOneThatKnocks · 07/11/2014 18:37

What does your DH think of what you are doing. It does seem like she might be taking the piss. Does she do anything for you in return.

If she is being paid in cash you would think she would offer you something. It says a lot about her that she asked you to do this as a 'favour'

Is she going to expect you to do this long term. Confused

It sounds very odd to me.

ReputableBiscuit · 07/11/2014 19:50

She's offered me cash but I wouldn't take it off her - she's up to her ears in debt and I'd rather she used it to get bloody Brighthouse off her back.

My DH is fine with it. It's just time I'd be snoring in our bed. Instead I'm snoring across the hall!

Thanks for the advice. I defanitely won't follow her!

OP posts:
ReputableBiscuit · 07/11/2014 19:51

Also yes she does lots for me. She's a lovely lass Smile

OP posts:
maggiethemagpie · 07/11/2014 20:04

Why are you babysitting for FREE? if she is a sex worker she'll be earning £££££

I would have thought sauna/massage parlour more than street corners. But those kind of places you could always get changed there. Why is she being so blatant - does she want you to guess what she's up to so that she doesn't have to actually tell you?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 07/11/2014 20:12

Christ. Is says a lot about someone if they cannot comprehend that another person may actively enjoy doing a helpful kind thing for another person free of charge.

Some people like to live in a world where friends help each other out just because they are friends

Viviennemary · 07/11/2014 20:16

I don't think you should say anything. It's not as if you suspect she's an armed robber or anything. If what she's doing is legal that should be enough. And it is good of you to babysit for her.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 07/11/2014 20:18

Oh and most of the sex workers I know (and its lots) rarely break more than £50 a day/night obviously someone else makes an awful lot more than that but most of them tend to end up handing over more than 60% of each job to their boss

FinallyHere · 07/11/2014 20:18

Sounds as if you are being a really good friend. Good to know that there are people like you in the world. Thank you.

SomethingOnce · 07/11/2014 21:33

You're doing a good thing, OP.

I'm sure one day she'll pay it forward (although I get that she pays you in kind, too).

While you're being such an amazing presence, could you maybe find a diplomatic way to share some life skills? Not easy to do, but worth its weight in gold.

ImTheOneThatKnocks · 07/11/2014 21:43

If she has offered you money and does things for you then that makes it a lot better. It's still very nice of you. Smile I would still find it a too much of a commitment.

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