...to want 'd'h to put ds pyjamas on?

[MaudLebowski]

Just wondering if I'm the nutter here or not.
'D'h puts ds (4) to bed still in his school uniform. It seems wrong, but he says 'it's just clothes whats your problem'
Anything ds doesn't want to do husband wont make him, so he never baths him, makes him eat his dinner etc, thus he is wonder dad and I am mean mummy.
Am I too uptight? Has he got a point?

I can't change how DH is, I don't think I could persuade him out of a burning car to be honest. I think he likes it that he's the good guy and I'm the mean mummy, and of course if we split it will be worse with me doing all the graft and him being a Disney dad. Then ds will love him and hate me.

So when does he have his bath?

He really needs to get out of this and in to a routine.

What about a set bathtime every night? Maybe go shopping with him and let him choose a really fun pair of PJs? get into a routine of bath supper bed?

As a parent, your husband sounds as significant as a flea's fart in a hurricane, frankly. It's wonderful that he loves his son, but he doesn't love him enough to be a parent to him. And that's really sad.

Sorry to hear that . Sounds like you gave a big problem.

have

Imo it's neglect.

Neglect of you/relationship.
Neglect of child.

I am not sure I could live like that for long. So what if he was a Disney dad? That would still be better. Clearer lines.

Can you make the pyjamas fun? Superheroes? Race to put them on?

School clothes are quite grotty after even one day in the infants! Muddy hems, food on front etc.
Also, same clothes=no clean underwear. And no wash of any sort?

Your DH is a lazy useless father.

I'm sure you can sort him out, you'll be able to when you're better

He has a bath a couple of times a week. I always do it.

Big problem... Yeah... That's about right. When I'm well I can deal with this but I'm just feeling a bit beaten down at the moment. AIBU not the place for wailing though, must woman up!

How did things get to this point that you can't even have a reasonable discussion with him about parenting? Your poor son, growing up with him as a father!

If my husband didn't give our child a bath I would do it instead, rather than him not have a bath at all. I don't get it.

I always think it is sad when I read about people who say they grew up not knowing the basics of hygiene and self care because they weren't part of their lives, as a child, bath/ shower, clean clothes, and brushing teeth.
Obviously that won't be the case with your little guy, because you are doing them, but your husband is storing up trouble by giving in to a four year old on such basic stuff.
Plus uniforms must be horrible things to sleep in, compared to soft pyjamas.

How about cleaning his teeth? Does your son do that?

I can and do get him into the bath and the pyjamas, I was just asking if my husband is right when he says I'm fussing over nothing when he won't do the same now he is having to do the evenings for la little while until I shake this illness off. That's all

I clean his teeth twice a day everyday.

Why must you?

Wail away.

It sounds like you need to.

Your husband is a useless lump who is storing up trouble.

It must be awful to feel like the only responsible one.

Just remember that a child is only a child for a short time. It is YOU that your child will rely on and feel is responsible. Disney parents may be fun in the short term, but they leave a child feeling exposed and vulnerable. When your child grows up and looks back, they will see a pathetic dad and a strong mum.

Do not underestimate how important a parent is to a child. They need to feel secure more than you know.

Thank you Vital. That's exactly how I feel, like the only responsible one.
I always tell my son that I will always be there for him, even when he's telling me that daddy is his best friend.

Gruntfuttock the OP is ill. It really won't hurt her ds to skip a couple of baths and even pjs whilst she recovers, even if his father ^should be doing them. If the OP drags herself up to take over, what's next? She'll no doubt just be left to it and her illness will last longer.

I have to go and get on, but thanks for all your input, I will check back later.

It must sting to hear that.

But remember that your role is not friend. It is parent.

If your husband doesn't understand that then it is twice as important that you do.

Your son won't give a shit about daddy as his friend in a few years and what role will that leave your husband with then?

Is he going to try to hang out with your son and his pals? Go down the skatepark together? Maybe he'll want to go clubbing with them.

No. One day in the not too distant future, fundaddy will be of no importance. If he carries on like this, in the end he will be someone your son has no respect for. That will be a shame and I think when it happens, your husband will be very sad about it. I also suspect he won't quite understand how it happened.

I apologise. Until the OP's post at 10.34 I had completely missed that OP is ill. Reading too quickly and too many distractions. Sorry about that.

Your son would not hate you, children desperately need boundaries and routine. It makes them feel safe, secure and cared for. They need boundaries to push against, otherwise the behaviour gets ever more extreme when they try and find where the boundaries are. Please don't let that thought be what stops you from leaving. What your h is doing is not parenting, it's not good for your son. Hopefully when you are recovered from your illness you can find the strength to make whatever changes you need to.

Well I think I'm pretty chilled, but going to bed in dirty clothes is just nasty!
4yo boys are grotty- They need to get clean before bed.

I put DS1 to bed in his school uniform (one less argument in the morning for this lazy cow) but that's after his bath and it's a clean uniform for the next day (it's a non-iron type of uniform.)

YANBU.

I'm not sure but I think that kids sleeping in their daytime clothes, throughout the night, would be a cause for concern for S.Services.Whether it is or not it just sounds wrong and your DH needs to act like a parent not a mate.

OP, I don't know if it will make you feel any better, but I am a nanny and so ALWAYS the one to be following routine, telling children to do things they don't really want to do etc etc.
No child has ever begrudged me for it, and generally if I've been away on holiday, they are desperate to have the routine back. And technically, those children all have a choice on whether they like me or not, as I'm not automatically loved like a parent is.
So even if your DH thinks he's his best friend, or the most loved, or whatever, the reality is, your son will love you so much for providing that stability, routine etc. yes he may say 'I don't like you' while you're getting him undressed for bed, but that's just what kids say. You can guarantee he'd be upset if he didn't get a kiss goodnight from you afterwards.