to still have the rage about my birthing experience 3 and half years later?

[IceBeing]

When my fabulous DD grazes her knee caps and starts to cry, I feel nothing. Of course I go cuddle her and clean her up etc. but I don't care that she hurt herself. I feel nothing and this is why.

I had a horrible birth - 22 hours, much of which was spent thrashing around in animal pain. The epidural only worked intermittently, the spinal block failed to get going and I ended up with a forceps delivery under general anaesthetic. I ended up having had a haemorrhage, a punch to the stomach, stitches in two tears and an episiotomy, and had to packed vaginally with gauze to contain the bleeding (all of which I missed of course).

When I came around (a vague process spread over about 2 hours) I didn't know what was happening, where I was or why there was a baby there. It was at this point that my husband was told to leave. So I spent the next 6 hours on my own in a room with a baby that I didn't really recognise as mine. When she cried I tried to flop out of bed and pick her up and breast feed her. Luckily she was pretty into the breast feeding so I didn't need to be.

Eventually a nurse came back and explained amongst other things that they needed to pull the gauze out which was 'not going to be comfortable'. Indeed not. From then on every time the baby cried I had horrible pain in my stomach and pulling on the stitches. Nobody told me that might be normal, nobody told me it was okay for me to be moving around. I was terrified that when I got up and picked my baby up I was damaging myself further. But there was noone else around so I did it anyway.

The pain induced by the baby crying carried on for 8 weeks or so. By this time I was getting recurrent fever and eventually I went into hospital and got some left over placenta removed.

Four months post partum I finally stopped bleeding and it stopped being physically painful to hear DD cry. But the damage was done by then. From then until now, the emotional part of my brain simply shuts down every time DD cries. I get an adrenaline rush every time I think she is going to start crying, like when she rolls over in bed, making it impossible for me to sleep in the same room as her.

I know I should feel empathy when DD is hurt, and the fact I don't makes me feel like a psychopath. I don't know how to fix this. How do I retrain my body to know that DD crying doesn't hurt me any more?

It isn't right, and it isn't ok. It's a result of the criminal understaffing in most postnatal wards.

It sounds like you had the most awful thing happen to you, and you were left alone, afraid, and in pain at the exact moment you most needed support. I second what others have said above about getting help from birth crisis or the birth trauma association.

You are not a bad mother, you have PTSD.

How is your bond with your dd otherwise.
Apart from the crying thing?
TBH I don't think most ,or at least many mothers feel much when their DC have minor bumps and scrapes.I just cuddle, patch them up and jolly them along to the next thing.More serious physical and emotional hurts are different

However I do think you need therapy to put that awful birth behind you.

I think my bond is otherwise okay. I feel happy when she is happy, I feel proud of her. I think she is beautiful and smart and fabulous. I definitely feel love towards her. It is just when she is unhappy or fretful that I switch off.

And she seems happy with me...gets all mopey when I go to work and is overjoyed to see me when I come home.

I am just still so cross about it all!

I feel like walking up to the hospital and demanding the last four years of my life back!

rainbow I have thought so often about having another in order to give myself another chance at 'succeeding' but I also had a terrible pregnancy and there are all sorts of other reasons why it isn't really the right decision for our family. I wish it was though! I really wanted more than one child.

In no way are you a whinging idiot. I recognise much of what you are saying. The day my daughter was born was the worst day of my life and I subsequently developed PTSD, PND and had dissociative amnesia - but it was five very difficult years after her birth before I was diagnosed. There are a few books written about this, Birth Trauma by Kim Thomas is one. Start looking into birth trauma and you'll find you are (sadly) not alone. It is certainly possible to overcome it with the right help so do persevere and push your GP for help.

Nothing useful to add but just to re-validate: a horrendous experience that has unsurprisingly affected you but you sound like a great mother who will get past this. Hope you can get some counselling

i had the same feelings towards my son. the pain corsing through my womb almost whenever he cried, so much so that i wasnt left alone with him until he was 8 or 10 months old as OH didnt trust me

i still get it now occasionally but i like my son now, he has to really be pushing me for the pain to start and then i scream out.

i remedided my feelings thru perinatal counselling and meetings with my CPN.

I saw someone every other day from leaving hospital for a few months and im down to once a month now ds is 19mo

you need the councilling.

iv been advised to sue the hospital by 4 different members of nhs staff. not sure if i will but i know a complaint must be made when i can

you can and will move on positively from this with the right help

Szeli thank you so much for sharing that. I can't tell you how much it helps to know I am not alone.

Do you feel that your symptoms were the result of error on the part of the hospital? I am very confused about my own experience in that regard.

very much so, i hold them completely responsible. i also hold them responsible for my OHs PTSD that he wont address. (he was led into the feet end of my emcs when they were just about to finish the job to find someone mopping my blood and my intestines pulled out . all this after 3 days of watching me thru a poorly managed labour with 4 litres of pictocin and 10 failed epidurals amongst other things)

seperately i had a psycotic episode (missed in hospital) but that was largely down to my bipolar i believe the pain and attachment issues were completely seperate and to do with the birth

Oh my goodness. That sounds truly dreadful. I think my OH may well have been left with some scars too. It is much less clear cut in my case. Although I feel we may have the same overall question of why the hell the move to an C-section wasn't made before everyone lost their minds....or at all in my case.

We actually had a doctor agree to emcs, well before things got totally out of hand - only for him to be overruled by the consultant.

Seriously...how does it take 3 days to make that decision?

Didn't want to read and run. That sounds awful OP. Hope you manage to get some help to heal the trauma.

the fact remains; it is completely justifiable to be left scarred from a 'textbook' labour and even if everything that happened to you was the only sensible way of doing things - you have still been failed.

You have been failed by not recieving the appropriate postnatal care that you required in order to fully bond with your dc.

Your needs weren't and subsequently haven't been addressed and that's not good for your or your dc's wellbeing.

why on earth was your DH asked to leave btw? that is madness in itself

My OH got sent out because partners aren't allowed to stay overnight. It was 2 in the morning at that point...but I was only 2 hours out of the GA.

Can you feign empathy for her when she is upset - just in the meantime while you work through it? Do you feel empathy to people other than your dd or is there no sympathy/empathy say in a film which would invoke similar emotional responses? Or say on reading a tragic news report? Could you explore that feeling more elsewhere if you do still respond to pain of other people? It may just come with time and with counselling - and the main thing is that you love your dd - so sorry your birth is as it was and I hope you find closure so you can enjoy the rest of your adventures to come x

I don't want to use your thread to rant about my shitty birth but let's just say it was fucking horrible. The experience after was horrible and infections down the line were awful too.

CBT was absolutely amazing and repaired much of the emotional damage that was done, I can't recommend it enough. Pm me if you want details xxx

Oh do rant away! It boggles my mind how common it is to be left a shattered wreck by giving birth here in the 2010's. I mean what the fuck used to happen? Are we the ones that wouldn't have made it?

Or have women typically been mentally broken by the process of childbirth and previously noone cared?

In answer to the empathy question I have rather an active imagination, and absolutely HATE seeing anyone get hurt in real life - proper stomach churning. That makes it all the more obvious whats missing with DD.

I am even 'normal' with other kids her age and younger. Just not her.

In more positive news, I actually managed to put DD to bed tonight. It was a baby step because she was knackered so it was quick and easy, and my OH was there holding my hand. But I told her a story till she fell asleep and sat listening to her snoring breathing. It wasn't comfortable but I didn't go non-functional as I have done previously.

I just kept telling myself it wasn't hurting....over and over.

It's completely bonkers to leave DD's room a drained sweaty mess after 10 mins of light story telling and listening....but I'll take it for now.

On the contrary. We may well be the ones that would have made it because we're clearly made of strong stuff.

IceBeing, does your maternity services off a 'birth after thoughts' type of set up.

It's something we offer for anyone wishing to come and review their notes/discuss there labour, care, experiences, fears etc. It isn't there to provide all the answers but to help aid women to understand what went on and point them in the direction of the right help if further support is required.

Oh dear, tiredness showing through, excuse my poor typing/spelling/grammar.

*offer
*their

So sorry for what u went through and are going through op... Horrific! How is your relationship with your hv could u speak to her.
I had a bit of a different situation had a great labour and birth but took very ill afterwards and was re admitted to hospital when he was 2 weeks old without him. Then he was admitted to hospital when he was 6 weeks old. I always felt I had no bond with him... I would loose patience when he cried and most of the day when oh was in work he was in his moses basket or his bouncer while I cleaned (I developed ocd) I felt like I was just feeding him and looking after his needs because I had to.. When he was 6 months old I realised there was something wrong with me and went to the docs... She then had spoken to my hv (who I didn't really like) she started to come out to me once a week and chatted and I cried lots and told her all the things and from that on I started to move forward she came to my house every week until he was about 18 months and I felt I didn't need to see her all the time but even now she is still in touch just not as regular. It was great to just get it all out to someone that was essentially a stranger to me. I know it's slightly different because I had pnd not related to a trauma really and nothing like the horrific experience you went through but it might help if you could just get someone to cry shout and vent to while you are waiting on the counselling. I really hope you feel better and are able to put all this behind you soon xxx

Sounds just awful. So sorry.